God answers us through his word

     For about 3 weeks I was struggling with a huge internal problem regarding my son, Logan. He has always been a hero seeking for someone to save. He's always had a heart for people that was deeper than most people, especially for an almost 20 year old. Three weeks ago or so he decided to act on it. 

     Logan had been approached a while back by a Marines recruiter. He had told us he was thinking about it in the spring, but he agreed to wait and give it more time. This fall, he really got prepared to take that step and become a Marine. No other branch considered. End of story. He called me while I was in a department store and basically said I had an hour to meet with the recruiter before he signed. Imagine how my heart sank! We've always been a patriotic family that supports the military, but now we're talking about MY son. I know when people say we should send in troops, those people are someone's children and my heart breaks for them. I understood how important this decision would be and asked him to wait just long enough to tell his father in person when he returned in 2 1/2 weeks rather than after the fact. Logan, being a mature, loving son, agreed.

     In those weeks I agonized over all the what-ifs, what they would do to him, what it would do to his faith, how he'd handle having to perform tasks that were against his personal beliefs, and what he'd be like afterwards - what would happen to that perfect heart that God have given him? I didn't want to say anything to anyone that might accidentally say something on social media. That would not be a good way for Tim to find out. I was determined to go through it alone until his return out of respect for Tim. Also, if we told everyone, that would make it that much harder for Logan to change his mind (social pressure) if he realized it was a mistake to sign up.

     I spent weeks crying, not sleeping, terrified. I didn't play "the Mom card" and smother him or his decision. I refused to use any type of manipulation. Because we have a great relationship, Logain and I were able to keep an on-going, open, honest, fair conversation on the topic the whole time. That certainly helped. As his Mom, I was afraid for him and what would might happen to him. As his friend, I wanted to be supportive in such a patriotic, selfless endeavor to protect our country. I thought of little else, night and day, every day, the whole time. I told just 2 other people so they could pray me through this and give me advice. 

     During this time, I prayed like crazy, but not how you'd expect. I wasn't praying for him to simply change his mind. That would be a temporary situation until the next time he got that feeling again to join. Instead, I prayed that God would give me a clear head and a sense of peace as I work through this with Him and Logan. I know God created Logan for a purpose. I know there are many paths to choose (free will and all that), but only ONE path that is THE purpose God created specifically for Logan - wired Logan exactly for that purpose - we just didn't know if this was it or not. I prayed that if it was the right path God had already chosen before Logan was ever born, then give me total peace and rest and even some joy in this. Help me to be and do what he needs from me. But if this path is NOT of God's plan, then put up serious roadblocks, close doors, and stop him in his tracks before it's too late.

     Logan too prayed for guidance/direction, but of course, he had a biased opinion - still he was willing to listen. Logan and I disagreed about many dreams, signs, apparent roadblocks, but nothing was absolutely definitive. How much was us? How much was our interpretation of things? How much was the enemy? How much was God? Then Tim came home...

     When we told him, he took it harder than we expected, especially since he's always been so PRO military. Like me, perspective had changed because now it wasn't just "the troops" it was our son. He went through the normal emotions:  scared, worried, felt out of control, felt he needed to do something to stop him from making a huge mistake, got angry, but all in one weekend. I felt so bad for having him go through this. And of course, Logan had to deal with not only his own emotions, and trying not to worry/hurt me, but now how to handle this with his father. 

     Tim left to go back out on the road, Logan seemed to have made up his mind, I was feeling peace yet still feeling like this wasn't the right path, so it was quiet for a few day...then God.

     I had seen the movie War Room recently, it's about prayer and its power. If you haven't seen it, you must. It was overtly a Christian movie on prayer yet topped the box office the first TWO weekends it opened nationwide. When does that ever happen?! Anyway, I'd told Logan about it, so when it eventually got to the discount theater a few months later, he wanted to go see it with me. We went Thanksgiving Eve. That's significant.

     We returned and Logan asked me if I'd pray with him over his decision.  I told him I would, but only if he was prepared to really accept whatever the results would be - all the time knowing this was my final, definitive stand on the issue too - if God said Yes, I must surrender to that. I secretly hoped God would stop Logan instead, though. 

     We prayed together for God to reveal if this decision was from Logan or God, God's plans, joining the military which we know is not a Christian organization, direction, and would it bring honor. Logan completely surrendered his will to whatever the Lord would choose to reveal and not question a definite answer.  Then we opened the bible together randomly - yes randomly - without our own bias. He opened to a passage and I read it. It was about giving thanks to God before any requests are made. Remember this was Thanksgiving eve? Then I opened to a passage and Logan read it. The bible's subtitle said, "A prayer of Thanksgiving". Again, it seemed to be saying this was a perfectly timed passage, again it was on how God knows all, created all, and has given everyone and everything a purpose. That's why we came before him this night, after all. It was the 3rd and final passage that REALLY blew us away! I'm glad I wasn't the one to choose it! 

     Logan randomly opened to Isaiah 30. Verses 1 - 3 say this:

Do Not Go Down to Egypt

"Ah, stubborn children," declares the Lord, "who carry out a plan, but not mine, 

who make an alliance, but not of my Spirit, that they may add sin to sin:

who set out to go down to Egypt without asking for my direction,

to take refuge in the protection of Pharaoh and to seek shelter in the shadow of Egypt!

Therefore shall the protection of Pharaoh turn to your shame,

and the shelter in the shadow of Egypt to your humiliation..."

How's THAT for specific, exact answer to questions we answered?! As soon as Logan read the words "stubborn children" he stopped, looked at me, and said he knew, felt it, that God was speaking directly to him in that moment. It says the alliance (signing/joining) is not of God's spirit, there would be sin added to sin, setting out w/o asking direction, taking refuge in a non-Godly ruler and nation (like the Marines/military), it will bring shame & humiliation...it couldn't have been clearer! 

     Logan in that moment knew this was not God's path for his life. He was a little disappointed, but said if it was the right thing, it would be a bigger deal to change his mind. He was almost surprised how easy it was to turn down the military to find a new path. 

     Praise God that He is still a loving God, a good Father, and has given us His Word to help us with the biggest, most important decisions of our lives. Thank God for who He is. Needless to say, we had a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. 

     Believe God wants to help you. Listen for his answers. Come to Him with a heart and mind totally surrendered to whatever He decides. It can happen for you too.

God Prepares Me

     I'm so thankful that God prepares me ahead of time to face things. Sometimes I have a series of dreams about an event that's going to happen. Sometimes it's more symbolic, for example, when something that will change my life, I dream about tornadoes. Whether they're off in the distance, or right outside the building, or crashing through the building, warns me of how close-to-home they'll get. It never fails, and I end up preparing, knowing it's coming.

     I'm also thankful that God prepares me ahead of time by using the bible study I'm in, the church's Sunday morning messages, and what books I happen to be reading. When I see something converge in all three, I sit up and take notice. 

     In this particular case, we're buying a house. It's a good thing, for sure, and I believe God helped us find it on that day, for that price, in that neighborhood, because none of those "should have" happened like they did. Also it fits the exact description I wrote down years ago of the best house for us, right down to the craft room (without losing a bedroom), the fireplace (in Arizona), and an orange tree in the back yard. 

     I'm happy about the house but the process of buying it has been really tough. Tim's away the whole time. Here's some of the stumbling blocks we've encountered yet God found a way to help me move forward:

Tim left on the day we went under contract, and I've needed his signature, which I cannot copy to save my life. 

The seller's weren't budging on giving in on closing costs and we couldn't do it otherwise.

The paperwork! I've had literally hundreds of pieces of paper, emails, documents to print, sign,  and copy, scan, and fax back. Most of the forms I've never seen before, and many are such a pointless waste of time (sign to say you saw this, then the next paper says sign to say you saw and signed the previous page, or some such nonsense).

I had to take a required, online class that took 8 hours of my time and taught me absolutely nothing new - and I had to pay $150 for it!

Reliving the nightmare. One of the tasks required by the underwriter was to write a letter, in detail, reliving everything about our bankruptcy. How it happened, why it happened, how we handled it, etc. I had spend years putting the nightmare of losing my home, leaving our jobs, and having to take government food assistance to feed my kids for a year. I'm thankful that Tim's parents were willing to take us in when we had nowhere to go (although I would've kept the house and just done the bankruptcy if it were up to me), but it caused some things to happen inside all of us that changed us. We definitely aren't who we used to be.

After telling us we're approved, paperwork is done, we're ready to close next week, nothing else is needed, it was noticed that Tim's start date at his job 3 years ago had mistakenly been entered as May instead of March. That tiny difference meant they divided our yearly income from then by 2 more months, and with a week to go, the underwriter kicked the whole thing apart. They said we didn't qualify anymore, we lost the ability for the program that paid our down payment, and we couldn't close. No delay date to expect. Just "don't qualify". 

Two days before this news, my middle son who just turned 19 informs me he's going to meet with a Marine recruiter to ask questions. Totally out of the blue. As he's planning to follow his girlfriend out of state if he has to depending where she goes to college. Right after he waffled for weeks about if he was moving in with us or not (requiring us to buy a 4 bedroom instead of a cheaper 3 bedroom). What a tough thing for a mother to deal with in the middle of all this.

The sellers may not agree to an extension without a definite closing date, and I'm afraid we'd have to start all over again, knowing they'd ask for a much higher price or not agree to closing costs next time, knowing how badly we now want this house.

Just a reminder, Tim left on January 27th and hasn't been back since, so all this I'm handling alone.

     

     All that is stressful, causing me to lose lots of sleep, but there's a good side to this too...

     God has been preparing me. I'm in a series at church that's breaking down Philippians 4:8:  Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

     I have been in church for 25 years or more at this point. I don't remember ever having the message stick all week in my mind like this series has. Our pastor is breaking it down, part by part, to really go into what each of these 8 things mean. It's helped me get through so much of this because it's teaching me to think about what's true, not just happening temporarily. I'm learning to be even less reactionary about things that pop up. I do well with this but that doesn't mean I have spikes in stress when I first hear about them. At least I'm learning that they can be a short 1 - 5 minute burst, then I'm calm again, instead of letting it ruin so much more. I can focus on doing all I can to be fair, true, and just. I'm also learning to live according to all I'm called upon to do knowing I'm living out my purpose. I know many women may handle this better than me, but there's a lot that would handle it worse too - or not at all. I've been brought through experiences that have taught me how to rise to the occasion as it becomes necessary. For that I am thankful.

     In my bible study, we're studying the book of James. It would be so easy to sink into the self-pity of all this. I'm sure if I tried, I could (wrongly) blame Tim for not being here, even though he's gone trying to make us the money we need to do this. I could blame the Mortgage Company's assistant for thinking changing the start date would help when instead it killed our whole deal (for now), but I would know there was untrue information and I couldn't live with a lie. If we have to lie to get approved, we shouldn't be buying it. In the end, we're going to use 2014 and 2013 instead of '13 and '12, and we'll eventually get re-approved because our income will have doubled since 3 years ago and we still have no debt. I could blame the underwriter who knows what this year's paystubs looked like and amounted to, knows we qualify, yet is doing this to us a week before closing, but what good does that do? In the end, maybe we'll qualify for a slightly lower interest rate when they see we made double what they say barely fell below the qualification line? Maybe since the interest rate just went up as we were going into this process in January, it will drop a bit and our payment will be lower every month from now on? I'm being told they've never seen it rise twice in a row. So the James study is teaching me not to blame others, not to become cynical, not to judge other people for what they're doing - just act in a way that I'm called to act because of my faith, loving others and trusting God.

     I've also been reading about everything from miracles to answered prayers. I know from my own experiences that God can choose to show up at any moment and smooth the way for us. Do I think He caused the bad stuff? Of course not! People with bad intentions have lied, deceived, and stolen from each other in closings over the years so more and more paperwork had to be build into the process to attempt to stop it from happening whenever possible. 

     So today, I let go of all the bad things that have happened up to this point, I'll work on the things that need to happen, our closing will be delayed but hopefully not for too long. Tim will be home just for a day and a half to help make it happen (then he's back out until the actual closing since he can't just stay home for a week waiting for the agencies to decide). I will trust God like I always do. I will not let it frustrate me every day between now and the new closing date. I will take today off as a "mental health day" and just get outside, go for a walk, pray a lot, and be at peace while I wait for everything to fall back into place, and for Tim to get home in a few days. 

When you don't know where else to turn, turn to God. And remember Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Silently processing.

I just realized how long it's been since I've blogged here. Maybe it's because I've been sleeping through the night finally for the first time in my life, and I used to blog when I was up at 2 AM? Anyway, the past 3 months, I guess I've just been silently processing. What I mean is that I've been taking in information, processing it all to figure out what's important to me and what I can let go of to reduce stress. I've sorted through the "should do"s and the "have to"s. I've stepped back to compare my words and actions to those I look up to spiritually to see where I need to improve - I mean this in a very positive growth sort of way, not comparing in a prideful nor a self-condemning way. What I found is that I'm tired of the useless things that we all do thinking we're spreading our faith. Take Facebook for example. We see those messages that say things like, "Share if you love Jesus, Ignore if you hate him." Really? Jesus stopped looking at our heart and instead judges our love for him based on how many memes we forward? I don't think so. What about the ones that say, "Share this on your wall and God will grant you a miracle in the next half hour." Again, really?! Now God's our genie waiting for our commands if we only forward a message on social media? What about the arguments that take place all over the internet, both on Facebook and in the comments section of articles online? How does the name-calling help? Or the bickering over minor details? All this is futile; a huge waste of time and energy. I rarely do these things, but they're so prevalent they were worth bringing up here. Another issue I've observed is the media suppressing the truth, the love and good Christians do, and belittling (if not judging and condemning) everything Christians say and do. This isn't a new revelation, but again, I've been really thinking on this and wondering what I alone can do about it. Maybe it's the whole Duck Dynasty/A & E controversy that really brought it to a head. Over 1.3 million people in our country chose to make an effort to let their voices be heard as they stand with Phil Robertson, and they did it in just 24 hours! They shouted that he has the right to his own personal opinion. He wasn't on television in front of millions when he said it, he was in a private interview with a man talking in the form of a conversation, off-camera, answering a loaded question truthfully. Had he answered it politically correct, he would've been slammed in the media saying he doesn't really live out the beliefs he claims he has. The often silenced Christians were a united front for the first time in a long time. No arguing over minor differences between their labels on their church sign - just standing together on common ground. I also recognize that there were many who may be on opposite sides of political arguments, and those without a faith of their own, that also took a stand with Phil. They see the media and government taking away our personal freedoms, and trying to dictate what we can and can't say, how we are allowed to believe, and they too put aside other differences to be heard as they stood united with us for freedom of speech and personal choices. I guess the end result of my months of silently processing has come to this. Choose the battles wisely. Stop the arguing. Find the common ground and go from there. Treat others with love and respect, even if they're different, so that you'll then (if you're a Christian) have a better chance of developing a dialogue to share the good news of Jesus Christ with people. One of the nicest things I've heard people say to me, as well as the thing that makes me happy with myself, is when someone who may be Atheist, Agnostic, Democrat, or belongs to some other group I'm not a part of says, "Wow. I've never had a conversation like this with a Christian/Republican. You weren't arguing with me. You listened to me. You didn't change your point of view, but you showed mine respect and you seem to genuinely care. You weren't judgmental, and I've never been able to have a conversation like this before. Thank you." That's how we make a difference. I also see value in writing to the powers-that-be that can help us be heard in government and the media, but loving and respecting people, finding common ground first, one person at a time. That's how I, just one person, can make a difference.

I Want to Be Like Caleb

My favorite character in the bible (next to Jesus, of course) is Caleb. That might sound strang since we know almost nothing about him. He's mentioned in Joshua 13 and 14, Deuteronomy 1, Numbers 13, 14, 26, 32, and 34. We know he was the son of Jephunneh the Kenazite, he was one of the 12 spies Joshua sent to spy out the promised land, he was 40 when he did that, he was from the tribe of Judah, and he had three sons. The one thing he's best known for is his trust in God. When God told the Israelites to spy out the promised land He was giving to them, they sent out 12 spies. Two were Joshua and Caleb, and there were 10 others. Ten came back reporting the fears and problems, claiming to have seen giants in the land, and they described the hardships to taking over. Maybe they expected to just walk right in because they thought the land was an easy gift, one without anything required from themselves. Only Joshua and Caleb returned and reported that it was flowing with milk and honey, it was going to be good land, and once God gave them victory over the people there, it wood be wonderful. Ten saw the giants and were afraid. They let fear stop them from seeing all God had in store for them. Two trusted God, believed it was already handed over to them, and were willing to go to war to take it from those people that were already in it. Caleb (and Joshua) understood they would have to go to war for it, there had to be a struggle, a fight, to take what was given to them by God. Their response? "Let's go take it at once!" The bible goes on to say that because of the fear of the people, no one would be able to enter the promised land except for Joshua and Caleb. For 40 years, the Israelites were not allowed to enter it. Only at the age of 80 was Caleb allowed to enter the land promised so long ago. The generation of doubters who feared instead of trusted had to die off. Only their offspring would be entering the new land. Back to today...we all have certain fears or things we have to face. In our modern society, it may be entering or committing to a relationship, entering a new job, going back to school, managing risks to venture out and start a company, invest in something you hope will be there in your later years, let go of your now grown child as they venture out on their own, cut off ties that are toxic to your mental health, bravely walk away from bad habits or addictions, the list is endless. What we do with that fear determines if we're more like Caleb, or more like the other ten spies. Which one are you? Which one am I? To be more like Caleb, there's a few things that must take place. The first is obedience to God. You have to trust Him and believe that He has given you the victory when you're doing everything you can to live for Him. God is very good at letting us know when we're on the right or wrong path - it's up to us to listen to Him, to be alert for signs God gives us, and to pray for His discernment. Once we know we're on the right path, and we know that God will bless what we're trying to do, then it's time to be like Caleb and trust Him for the victory. It's about acting, doing something, whether it's without fear or in spite of it, but you must use action to overcome this fear. I have found over the years the faster we jump in with both feet, the easier it is to get through the battle. Don't give yourself time to mull over the obstacles, to worry about what might happen. Act before you have time to think about it. When God's already given you direction, MOVE on it. The next thing that we can do to be like Caleb is to be honest about the problems. We know we'll face obstacles. We know it won't be easy. Knowing what the problems will be, and planning a strategy to overcome them is not the same as not trusting God. It's simply being prepared for what you will be facing. Know what to expect, create a plan of attack, then move on it...quickly. The last thing we can do is to remind our self and focus on what we know to be true. Know that God has a plan to prosper and not harm us. Know that He's always on our side. Know that the victory is ours if we're living out what He's revealed we should do in our life. Don't let the giants get in the way. Don't give in to fear. Don't be surprised that you have to fight the battles to win the prize - they aren't just handed to you. I want to live a more meaningful life, a life more abundant, a life of overcoming fears, not being stopped by them and settling for mediocre. I want all God wants to give me if I'm willing to do the work required to earn it. I want to be like Caleb.

Who Are You Really?

I've sat through sermons for years now and after a while, you start to think, "I've heard it all before." Don't get me wrong, it's great to hear a reminder message, or to hear about the things you used to do but have gotten away from. But sometimes it's quite a while before you hear a really new concept. This past Sunday we had a guest speaker, and he gave me something totally new to think about that I want to share with you. Hopefully, it will help you like it has me. Our speaker said, "When God looks at you, do you think he sees a sinner or a saint?" Wow...think about that. I know every bad thought I've had, every failed attempt to do better at something, every day I forgot to take time to read my bible, how much more I should be praying over, the struggles I haven't overcome yet, etc. I had to admit, when I picture God looking at me, I really did picture Him seeing me as a sinner, hoping I'd "get it" and figure out how to stop the stuff I too don't like about myself. The thought of God seeing me as a saint hadn't occurred to me. How could He? He's perfect. He's a jealous God who doesn't tolerate disobedience...which I explain in my head is all the things I should do but don't or haven't done yet. But you know what? The guest speaker was right...God sees us as a saint. Let me explain... Jesus died for our sins. You've probably heard that before. But for those who really do believe in Him, and call Him our Lord and Savior, and believe he died for our sins and raised from the dead - He died for ALL of our sins. Not just the "big ones", not those in the past, but for ALL of them. When God looks at us, He sees us through Christ. And through that lens or filter of pure perfection, He chooses to see us that way. Yes, God knows what we do to mess up, and yes, we should still confess our sins to Him so nothing interferes with our relationship with Him, but He sees us in a way we can't even see ourselves. I think of it this way, imagine one of those 1970s/1980s 3D posters. Remember those? They traced the outline of something with both a red and a blue line slightly apart from each other. To look at the poster, you could make out what the image was, but it wasn't very pleasing to the eye, it wasn't clear, it wasn't attractive. Then you put on those glasses with one red lens and one blue lens and suddenly you saw with amazing clarity this amazing, wonderful 3D image! Those blurry edges were still there, you KNEW they were still there, but through those lenses, you chose to see it in a new way, one that was so much better than it first looked. I imagine God sees us kind of like that. We have our own blurry or rough edges. We don't always do what's right as rigidly. Our boundaries aren't always sharp, crisp edges. But through Jesus, He chooses to use that filter or lens to see our full potential, something more attractive, something He enjoys even more. Now obviously, we're much more important to God than my simple illustration, but the truth is, He loves us, knows all we could accomplish with Him, He sees the good intentions, He knows our heart's desire to please Him even if we fall short. I believe God looks at me, and you, and sees a Saint. I hope you feel that way today too. God bless.

Have you wondered away?

I have spent years in church hearing how people WANDER away from God. I've always thought a more accurate description would be to WONDER away from God. To wander implies you just blindly roam around and you aren't sure where you're headed. In most cases, our sins don't really happen that way. Many times, we get ourselves into trouble because we WONDERED away from God: I wonder what it would be like to try that (whatever IT is)? I wonder if anyone would find out if I just ______________ (fill in the blank)? I wonder if I'm missing out on fun trying to be "good"? I wonder what a new adventure would be like (even though I know it's not pleasing to God)? It's not that we tend to guess our way through life with no (moral) compass or direction. More often than not, we gave our thoughts over to wondering what it would be like to live someone else's life, wondering what if we could secretly date some movie star or singer, or wondering what it would be like to take something that wasn't ours. The problem with all this is that once we "wonder away" we find ourselves just like Adam and Eve in the garden when they they knew they had sinned and God was calling asking where they were. They did what we tend to do, they hid. We often find ourselves trying to hide from God when we know we did the wrong thing. It's in our nature. Just like a child hides from a parent so they don't get caught. Why do we try to hide from God? Do we really think he doesn't already know what happened? Do we think we can pretend it never happened? Do we expect him to believe some lie we would tell others to hide the truth? It doesn't make logical sense, but we do it anyway. The fact of the matter is that we don't have to hide, but we do need to take ownership of what we've done. We need to go to God, confess what we did even though he already knows. It's for OUR benefit to confess, not his. Then we need to really be sorry or repentant about it - not because we got caught, that isn't repentance. We need to think about what we did, admit that we knew it was wrong, admit that we chose our own selfish desires over God's ways, and realize that his way would've been the right and better thing to do. After that, God promises to forgive us. Jesus already paid the price for ALL sins, so there doesn't need to be any fear behind our confession. God wants nothing more than to restore us to a healthy, loving relationship with us. If we ever feel like something has come between us, it's usually because WE messed up, or we didn't get OUR way. God loves you unconditionally, all the time, and that NEVER changes. He promises he'll never abandon you. Want to fix your relationship with God? Take ownership of your sin, admit, repent, and be forgiven. Then you can enter into a new chapter of your walk with God, a transparent, loving relationship with the One who is Lord of all, and you, his child he loves dearly.

Standing in the Doorway

I've spent the last week contemplating this strange feeling I have inside. I can only describe it as "standing in the doorway." I'm not sure exactly where the door leads. It's like I'm in the doorjamb and one side of the door opens to a wonderful, new, exciting season of growth for our church and congregation. We've been through a lot lately, including seeking God's will for a new lead pastor. Those in charge are trying very hard to make the most God-honoring decisions possible moving forward. The other side of this door leads to the judgement on America for leaving its Godly heritage, mocking God, and as in the Tower of Babel, our country has decided to be its own god. Anything immoral, unnatural, self-serving, shocking, and even "the unthinkable" has become not just accepted but embraced. Reading the book The Harbinger by Jonathan Cahn was a real eye-opener, but this isn't about the book in particular. I think the hardest thing right now is knowing which side of the door I should be facing. Am I to step into the church growth side, shut the door behind me, and withdraw from the world? Should I step into the judgement side and do all I can as a one-person "nobody in particular" to pray, and shout out for the country to repent? Repent. The last few generations don't even know what that word means. It's not in their vocabulary and I know it wasn't in their educational upbringing. Is it too late to save our country? Or are the things going on warnings because God is merciful and is willing to give us yet another chance to return to Him? Or again, should I just focus on my church and help it to be the light on the hill in a dark world? Maybe it's too late to turn our country around but can I be used by God to help heal those hurt in the wake of these illogical, cruel decisions being made, especially by our government, that are threatening those of us who call God our Father? I don't know which way to turn, but I know I can't stand in this doorway forever. I realize the church side of the door may actually be much bigger than I can see from that vantage point. Maybe it's a call to grow "THE" church, not just my own? Maybe it's to help those in my circle of influence to grow into Spiritual warriors, then together we can begin a revival. Our country sure needs another Great Awakening. But is it really too late? We know have a voting culture that grew up without a definitive right/wrong, without absolutes when it comes to convictions and beliefs. It grew up believing anything and everything is acceptable. There's no accountability for anyone's actions anymore - just blame. Save the trees and whales but murdering children for convenient birth control is acceptable. The government that should be protecting us agrees to allow companies to poison our food supply and an out-of-control rate, while penalizing those trying to grow organic foods of their own. There is no sanctity of life, of marriage, of anything. I see so many people on Facebook posting about animal abuse, yet abortion is called "choice"? I don't know which way I'm supposed to step out of this door frame, but I know I can't stay here forever. I need to decide soon. I'm just waiting for guidance. I probably haven't explained it well in words, but it's a sick feeling that's got me up at night, dizzy with thoughts during the day, and it's starting to really affect my health and well-being. It's hard to describe a feeling, or intuition, or hunch, or whatever you want to call it. Whatever this is - it needs resolution and soon.

The Truth Project

Yesterday our Women's Bible Study group (our daytime study) began a new series from Focus on the Family called The Truth Project. What a great study! Lesson 1 was all about "truth". What it is, what it isn't, why it's important, and how it's foundational to faith. It's presented in a way that once you see what God's truth is, it's easy to see how the rest of the world is so opposite in their thinking. For me, it confirmed what I've always said about being a Christian affects how you should vote on issues. Everyone else is free to vote their own beliefs, but being a Christian doesn't leave any real wiggle room for how you see the issues. Our discussion afterwards wasn't quite a discussion. It was more like sharing our amazement and eye-opening moments that we'd just experienced watching the Lesson 1 video (which you too can find in a search online). Some of the highlights mentioned included how anything other than The Truth is a lie, a falsehood, and has no truth in it. The definition given for insanity was the loss of touch with reality, and believing the lie is real - that of course leads to problems, because people who are insane then act upon their perception of reality. What I liked was the illustration they used about a young child jumping off the diving board for the first time, into the waiting arms of a parent. He's full of fear and doubt (like us many times), but his faith in his parent, believing they will catch them as truth, helps him to overcome his fear and feelings. Then he is able to act in courage and strength to accomplish what he couldn't possibly have done without that faith, without believing the truth that his parent loves him and is there for him, to catch him. Such a great picture of us with our heavenly Father. The best question was the last one: "Do you really believe that what you believe is really real?" If we did, if we believed that all God's promises were true, every one of them, all the time, just IMAGINE what we would do! Just think how unstoppable we'd be to change the world! We'd never be stopped by fear and doubt again. Watch the video and see for yourself. I'm not sure if this will work for you, but I found it here: http://vimeo.com/34359650 It's about an hour long, but it will build a strong foundation and you won't walk away unchanged. Have a great rest of the week.

God comes through...AGAIN!

I can't understand how people think that faith is pointless, that there is no God, or that either way doesn't matter. My experience time and time again over the past 20+ years is so different! God has gotten us through so much. He's brought Tim & me together in a way that couldn't have just happened. He saved our ectopic pregnancy and Adam was born healthy. He found us amazing real estate deals over the years. He got us through marriage situations to bring us to the wonderful place where we are now - closer than ever. He protected us from harm so many times. He found me a job when I had no resume, no experience for 20 years, and no skills to put on paper...and it was at my favorite place of all, the tea house. He got us through our bankruptcy and foreclosure as well as teaching us all important life lessons I'm convinced would not have happened any other way. He brought us back here where we belong - closer, wiser, and more appreciative than ever. He found us the only place we could afford by orchestrating events that would never have happened on their own, and it turned out to be more than I could have ever hoped for. He was there through my ovarian cancer scare this fall when suddenly, all 3 cysts (one was solid and almost 7" long, sitting on my ovary the size of an almond, and causing all kinds of pain and other bad symptoms) - they just disappeared overnight the evening before my follow-up ultrasound. I literally felt the pain leave my body and had a total sense that everything was cleared. I was afraid to hope for such a miraculous event, but that's exactly what happened. Now, God comes through again! We know our rent is going up May 1st. It's a fair raise, bringing it up to fair market value, but coupled with a soon to be rising water and electric bill for summer, it would be way more than we could, or should, afford, especially if we're trying to save to buy a house next fall. I did ask that if it was God's will, we'd like to stay here as long as possible until the end of our yearly lease so we didn't have to move out of a nice house and neighborhood prematurely. Just as the increases start, we will be moving into a new place near here that we've waited for since December! We'll have tons of amenities including a pool for the summer, almost the same square footage, and it'll cost $100 less than our rental increase! On top of that, we'll have no water bill anymore, it's included in the rent. We also anticipate lower electric bills, since the upstairs and next door neighbors will be running their air conditioners as well, it won't be just ours trying to keep the building cool - and heat rises, so being on the first floor will help too. The windows should be more efficient as well, since I believe they are newer than the ones here. Once again, God comes through, and my experiences with a real, loving, living God continues. People can believe what they want, but they can't take away all my experiences of my relationship with God. As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.

Lifting the veil

The bible talks about how before becoming a Christian, we all have a veil that prevents us from seeing God's truth. I get that concept well enough, but when I come face to face with non-Christians I love and care for, it's so apparent what the bible is talking about. Recently I had the special blessing of spending time with relatives I haven't seen in years. We had lots of fun together, laughed for hours, enjoyed each others' company, and talked about so much. It became so clear to me how blinded the world makes people nowadays. When I was growing up, there were many households that didn't attend church. After all, my friends' parents (and mine) were from the 60's teenage generation. Question everything - do what feels right to you - oppose your parents' values, and all that. But even so, the kids I grew up with still had a sense of there being a God out there somewhere. They still respected the difference between right and wrong. They still followed the basics of what the bible teaches. So how, in such a short amount of time, did we get to where we are today? The relatives I spent time with don't go to church, and that's okay, it's their choice. They also have absolutely zero interest in what is truly right and wrong, everything is subject to feelings, or "situational ethics". The right thing to do is what they feel like doing at the time. Also, I noticed, that unlike within my faith, there's very selfish undertones. I don't mean this in a derogatory way, I'm not saying they're selfish, really. It's just that in my church, for example, when one of us hurts, our brothers and sisters in Christ hurt with us and want to pray and help us. If one of us is rejoicing, we all rejoice together. If one of us has an experience where we see God at work, we share that, and learn more about Him together. There's none of that in this world. Not to the same deep, inner degree, anyway. Everything seems to be about self: what I want, how I feel, what I want to happen, I want to go first, they aren't my problem, etc. There's so little regard for anyone beyond the niceties and politically correctness of those around you. During our conversations, I noticed such a lack of comprehension about trying to live God's way. Comments were made about how you can't live without bad stuff, bad language, and fallen people (my term, not theirs) all around. I believe that's true, you can't live in this world without encountering it all. It's not going away til the end of time. You can't escape it without living in a bubble, and that's pretty self-serving to do that. What the veil keeps others from seeing is that you CAN live among the world but not become part of the problem. You can be the example of living a life of joy, selflessness, sacrifice, freedom, etc. You don't have to use the same bad language as those around you. You can choose what movie and tv shows you put in your head. You can choose who you surround yourself with for friends and support, you can choose to be honest, even when no one's looking, and you can choose to love people. They really didn't even see that as an option. The general opinion was that since everyone around you is doing all this bad stuff, you might as well jump in and do it to. Fitting in is more important than standing out and standing for something that's not easy. How I wish I could lift veil and they could see the joy, hope, direction, peace, and love that could be theirs. It's not my place to force it down anyone's throat. It's just that, because of my love for them, I want them to find the wonderful things they're missing. I want them to experience all the GOOD that they could have. I want the best for them. I know there's false beliefs out there about Christianity that turns people off, and some unfortunate truths and statistics too. I hope I was successful in our short talk on the subject in conveying some truth. We don't follow a book of strict rules. We aren't perfect. We should not be judging others, that's not our place. It's not about having to "do" or "be", but it's about a free gift of salvation through Jesus that gives us everlasting life. I tried to explain that our home church has a motto, "No perfect people allowed." I know in some churches, the members are the worst at being judgmental, holier than thou, and hypocritical. I try to help people see that that isn't Christianity, that's just people, human nature, but it's still wrong - especially for those who Jesus forgave so much! I tried to explain that we don't have a long list of do's and don'ts. It's basically, love God, and love people, and accept that Jesus paid the price for you. That's it. If you love God, you'll want to please Him and do what's right. If you love others, you'll be less likely to be selfish, critical, manipulative, deceptive, etc. I don't know if it made any difference at all, but my job isn't to convert the world. It's to be like Johnny Appleseed. I plant seeds of faith, and move on. If their timing is right, and the Holy Spirit steps in, the seeds will grow. Maybe I'll never see what grew from those seeds, and maybe nothing will come from some of them, but some will grow big and strong and have deep roots. They'll produce more "seedlings" themselves, and people will be saved.

Connecting.

The past two weeks have been filled with disappointments, hurts, anger, sadness, and other feelings that throw us off the right path. The truth is, many of these things are not directly involving me. They involve my sisters and brothers in Christ, my Spiritual "family." My heart just breaks when I know one of my friends has been hurt, or the enemy has just hit them with something terrible (unexpected or not). What we all need in times like this is CONNECTING. The bible says in Hebrews 10:25, "Don’t stop meeting together with other believers, which some people have gotten into the habit of doing. Instead, encourage each other, especially as you see the day drawing near." We were meant to be God's family, brothers and sisters who go through life together. We should try to be and stay connected to others during our hard times. Unfortunately, we all know we have times when we just need to deal with things alone and process the situation for a while, but after that, we should connect with our "family" of God again. So how does someone get connected if they aren't already? Step one would be to find a church home or a Christian friend. I say both of these because I realize many people have been hurt by the church, or have spent years thinking they have to "clean themselves up first" before coming to church. If that sounds like you, then work on finding one friend who is a true follower of Christ, who lives what he or she says. If you have friends that you already know you would like to learn from, or you would like the hope and joy you see them living out, then find a church home. Find a place that's non-judgmental, that welcomes people to bring their questions, and to just blend in until they're ready. Once you found a friend, or a church (which usually leads to a friend or two), then get connected by getting involved. It could be a baby step like having coffee with a new friend. Or if you're willing, you could attend a bible study or a home small group study with someone you know. If you're really brave and need to connect, you could always try out a new study or group even if you don't know anyone, but I understand that's not most people. Once you find a group of people to do life with, to learn from, to share experiences with, then you can start to connect in new ways. Maybe some of you will work on an outreach program together. Maybe your group could attend a larger event together. You could even have a night where your group meets with another group, either inside or outside the church (could be with another church group). At that point, you'd be pretty connected. If you're too shy, or don't live close enough to a church you can call home, would you be willing to talk with a neighbor about meeting together? Or having a friend introduce you to some of his/her friends seeking to help you connect? There's lots of ways to connect but the important part is that you DO connect. We were designed to live out our faith together, not alone. There are many brothers and sisters in Christ who would be happy to connect with you. Just take the first baby step and reach out. May you be blessed for your efforts.

It's not about the "doing".

Am I the only one that feels this way? Whenever I encounter a series of bad circumstances, the first thing I do is ask myself, "Did I do something really wrong and God's not happy with me?" I know in my head that's not how faith works, it's never about what I do, it's about God's mercy, and justice, and parenting me, and His plans for my life. But sometimes... I have sort of a mental checklist I go through when things seem to be happening, one after another. Maybe you do too? My list goes something like this: 1. Did I remember to tithe? Of course I did. 2. When was the last time I read from my bible? Did I forget for a few days? 3. What temptations or indulgences have I given into in the past few days or weeks? 4. Have I had a bad attitude or not forgiven someone for something? 5. Am I not praying "enough"? 6. Have I been too lazy and not diligent (or just busy) enough? 7. What have I said or done in front of my kids that needs improving? and the list goes on and on and on. I always end up reflecting later on how I think it's all about me and my actions. I know that as a Christ-follower, there are behaviors and perspectives from "the old self" that I am to put behind me. I know I am called to a new standard, not perfection, just to think before I act and speak. To consider others and not be self-righteous or prideful thinking I'm any better than anyone else. We're ALL sinners saved by the grace and mercy of God through His son, Jesus. So why do I always assume that bad things happen only based on my own behavior? I forget that sometimes things happen to grow or teach us. Sometimes things are allowed because it makes us stronger. Often when it involves others it can be simply because God allows them free will to do, say, or act however they choose - and we get hurt or offended. But most of the time, it's not about what someone else has done. It's my Battlefield of the Mind, which is a great book by Joyce Meyers. I have to remember that even if I did everything right, which is truly impossible for anyone, life still happens. Without valleys, we'd never see the mountain tops. Without struggles, we'd never learn to stand through life's storms. A new perspective I've been thinking about is this: Maybe I'm here to go through the struggles I do so that later, I can retell the stories, and how God came through for me (as He always does, just not in my timing, but in His own) - and this may help someone else who hears about it. It may be that my purpose as a teacher and storyteller is to be a living example of how God steps in and provides, or how He keeps things from being so much worse than they could be. I don't necessarily LIKE that idea any better, but it may be the case. Take finances for example. No matter what we've done in the past 20 years or so, there's never any extra for savings. We put aside a percentage, and the car will break. Or we'll live WAY below the average standard of living, and we'll have a medical or dental emergency that puts us barely surviving. We give, save, scrimp, and still, SOMETHING will happen to wipe that out. It's hard coming to terms that it just may be God's will to keep us just barely able to survive in order that He can step in and save us every time at the last minute - but you know what? He DOES help us every time. Whenever something unexpected comes up, He always provides a way, whether it be a better than average paycheck that week, a bonus arrives we weren't expecting to cover the dental emergency, or He provides an opportunity to earn money just in time to cover the flat tire. So you see how easy it is to think like I do? The important thing I need to remember is that it really isn't about the DOING. It's about trusting God to come through. Maybe I feel like He shouldn't have to. Like I should be in a better position to not have so many struggles. But the truth is, God IS there. He DOES provide. He does save the day, but only when He chooses the timing is right. He really has never let me down yet. In the end, things always somehow work out - and that's not about my "doing". It's about who HE IS. And it's about how much He loves and takes care of us. That's the real truth of it, and the truth will set you free, if you let it.

Air1 radio's "Club Awesome" Dance Party

We love listening to Air1 radio. It's a Christian alternative station. It plays the kind of music I like to listen to without the bad themes and lyrics to worry about. Online they even have channels to pick from to hear all rock, alternative, pop, new music, rap, even Christmas music. You just have to go to www.air1.com. About a month ago, one of the afternoon DJs, Brant Hanson, decided to create "Club Awesome" dance parties in a few select locations. He, along with Producer Sherrie, Seventh Time Down, Manafest, and KJ52 went on tour to meet the fans. Our location was the last night of the tour and we had a great time! It started with Brant at the front door high-fiving everyone as they walked into the FREE event. They had all kinds of nachos they were serving at the door, but we wanted to get close to the stage, so we didn't let the nachos distract us from our mission. There was a DJ to get things going in the beginning, then it kicked off with Brant & Sherrie on stage. Brant is a self-proclaimed nerd, so he came out complete with thick glasses, plaid jacket, and a bow tie. He attracts the odd crowd that loves the Lord, but doesn't quite fit in with the "popular crowds". Jordan has an obsession with this guy that makes her like his number one fan. That "misfit toy" quality that she has about her makes her drawn to Brant's acceptance of others like himself, and it's that very characteristic of Jordan's that makes her so wonderfully unique in my eyes. We also brought Logan because he's always been a party looking for a place to happen. In just a couple of hours, he met a new friend, met two girls (one who asked for his number), met both Brant & Sherrie, ran into a friend's family, and danced Gangnam style which impressed those standing around him. Even though the bands weren't anyone he listens to normally, he did know a few of their songs, appreciated their talents, and enjoyed the show. He had a great time too. As for me? I had a great time. It's been years (literally) since I did ANYTHING in a large crowd of people with such a party (yet safe) atmosphere. In my younger days, I loved being around concerts, bands, dance parties, and loud music. After two years of isolation in the mountains and trying to adjust to a new life here in the Valley, last night was a much-needed night out. I danced, sang, and really enjoyed KJ52, an older guy who's show involves him, a DJ, and a drummer. He infuses his show with both new material, current songs he's written & performed, as well as mixing in lots of 80s and 90s songs and dances. What a great time. Club Awesome also had a mission. They partnered with www.cure.org to help raise money for children born with deformities like severe club foot. These kids are outcasts in their village, taunted and called names for being cursed by the local gods, according to their fellow villagers. These poor kids can't even walk, let alone run or play in most cases. I don't know exactly how much they raised, but they said for the price of a laptop, a child can have a one-time, successful surgery. They told a story of one boy who was called a monster in his village because of his birth defect. After receiving surgery through CURE, he now can be like the other kids and proved that there is a God who heals that's above all other gods that were believed to have cursed him, making him in-curable. His new nickname from the village is "Miracle". Hopefully, Club Awesome raised enough money for several more children to have this opportunity. To read more, go to CURE's website and read about the kids. God Bless.

Progress Update

Last week I was beginning to understand that I should just let go. I don't have to struggle so hard to do everything I should in my own strength, and I'll just end up failing if I try that. Instead I gave everything over to Jesus. I asked Him to be in control, as master and Lord of my life, my heart, my mind, my body, my thoughts, my words, my work, my finances, my relationships, my home, everything. So far, the past week seems to hold less stress than I was experiencing before that decision. I'm sleeping a little better. I'm more calm during the day. I even find that I'm making better choices with hardly any trouble at all, since I'm not struggling with controlling my self-control, if that makes sense. It's easier to stop a train of thought that's not positive and productive. It's easier to say no to temptations. It's easier to be more understanding and forgiving with people. It's easier to not think about the things we don't have yet and focus on how many actual needs are met daily. It's just been a much easier time going through my day to day routine. I like who I am when Jesus is the Lord of my life, and I get to just be the servant and friend. The pressure is off, things turn out better, and the guilt and fears that were holding me back seem to also be minimized. My new theme song is Draw the Line by Disciple (do a YouTube search for it, with lyrics). It's going to be a great next leg of my Spiritual journey. May your journey be filled with peace and joy too.

Not in my own strength

This week's lesson seems to be that I don't have to try to do everything in my own strength. Logically, I know this. I know my sins are forgiven, but I still have the responsibility to work towards being more like Jesus every day. I know I'm not who I used to be, but I'm not who I will become either (yet). The over-achiever in me kicks in every so often and riddles me with guilt over all the places I fall short. I know that's a trick of the enemy to keep me focused on self, and to keep me from being more productive in God's kingdom. But sometimes, it's easy to forget that and focus on what I know I should be doing. I'm learning to let go of all the "shoulds" in my life. We're told to read our bible every day, to pray throughout the day, to only think about things that are pure, holy, righteous, etc., to put others first, not to judge others' actions or words, to not be idle, etc. This week, I've come across the same message in several places (which is usually God telling me something I'm missing is important, so pay attention). That message says that Jesus wants to work in us and through us. We simply CAN'T live out the best Christian life in our own strength - so why do we try so hard to do that? We know our faith isn't about works, yet society has taught us that it's all about the doing, the getting things done, achieving more, and there lies the struggle. So this week, I begin a journey down a new path. I'm letting go of the stress, the guilt, the mental war in my head, over what I haven't done or what I'm not doing every single day. This week, I let go. I let Jesus have total authority to clean up the inside of my head and my heart. To clean the slate of the past. To show me what it means to rest and abide in him, trusting that just by being close to Him, I'll grow, and change, and my heart will lean towards those things we're told to do - naturally, out of love for Him. From now on, I won't be asking for Jesus to help me do things I think I should be doing, even if they really are good things. Instead, I'll ask Jesus what He's doing, and ask if I can help Him. I become the servant as it should be. Maybe then I'll find that peace that surpasses all understanding and that deep, abiding joy. Free from guilt. Free from consuming thoughts of self. Free from stress of the "have to". Free to be what He wants me to be, and free to live His purposes. May you be blessed this week too.

I Found My Answer (for now)...

In my last post, I was wondering what the bible said about women working outside the home. It led me down 2 totally opposing paths. One set of writings was coming from the point of view that says a woman's calling while she has children is to be and take care of the home. She should not feel guilty about finding ways to make money "from home". They use both the examples in Titus 2 and Proverbs 31. They quote that biblically, women were in charge or running the home while the men worked in the fields, or in town, or outside the home - and they were responsible for the education/teaching of the children, especially in growing their faith. The other set, oddly enough, quoted the very same 2 places in the bible, and said that the bible doesn't "specifically say a woman CAN'T work outside the home." And went into the what if questions: What if the kids are grown? What if she has no kids? What if the husband is ill and can't work? What about single Moms? etc. I have to say, the second set sounded a little off in my spirit because of the wording I kept running across. It reminded me of the garden of Eden where the serpent says, "Did God REALLY say that?" - using semantics and just enough truth to seem like a loophole. I also have to admit, group two dealt with issues from a more modern, worldly perspective, where we can't all just raise sheep and cattle from home. And living in a tent in a field isn't always an option to avoid working and paying the going rental rates. I ended up still unclear...then God brought something to my attention. I recently re-read a book called Chasing Daylight by Erwin McManus. In his book he wrote about how to figure out what we're called to do or not to do. Sometimes we're called but not right now. He suggested doing whatever you can to not get in God's way of blessing something. For example, if you think you're supposed to me a missionary in Africa, get your passport up to date, maybe take a few basic classes about it, put your name in with a missionary agency, then see if God blesses it. Staying home, keeping the idea to yourself, and never putting your name, desire, and application out there can't necessarily stop the power of God from making it happen - but doesn't it make sense that He probably won't arrange for a stranger to happen to knock on your door and ask if you "know anyone looking to go to Africa"? Makes sense, right? So I took that advice and here's what I did. I did research and found ways to make money from home. I've signed up to earn money doing surveys, reading emails from companies, and product testing. I also signed up and applied for temporary jobs in my area for product demos, merchandising displays, etc. - they're one day jobs that major companies hire out - so my name's in their file. I also have a little in some penny stocks I've studied, understand, believe in, and found highly recommended by experts. I also applied for a part-time job at a small, nearby, large chain mini-supermarket that pays more than most. Lastly, I continued introducing new people to my home-based business. Now I've put myself "out there" for God to decide what to bless and what to not bless. If he finds a way to put my limited-experience application to the top of the list for an interview, I will follow through knowing under normal circumstances, many applicants should be a lot more qualified than I am. If I never get called, and the home-based ideas pay off - then God will again get the glory and credit for that. I really don't have a strong opinion either way if I feel peace in my spirit that God is leading the way. I'll follow Him anywhere He leads, no matter what.

Discernment can be elusive.

Discernment: Discernment means to be able to distinguish between right and wrong, good and evil. It is having a logical, judicial ability to think through issues. It is the ability to “discern” whether a saying, teaching, doctrine, written word, or event is good or evil; true or false; and if the source, meaning or intentions are of God, the person or Satanic deception. There is an ability to “read between the lines” and get to the truth of an issue. The“gut” tells them when something doesn’t seem to be right. There is an urgency to pray and ask for wisdom. Usually, I do okay with this, but right now, not so much. So many issues are spiritually black and white for me, biblically sound advice to others has been a gifting I've received in the past, but lately... My big decision is about working outside the home. I want to help out because we need just a bit more than we can comfortably save and have Tim earn. We can't control what jobs he gets, how it lays out during the week to make or miss payroll deadlines, etc. I'd be happy to help out part-time so we don't have to put off things like when the kids need clothes, get haircuts, or when our grocery budget for the house is only $50/week - with 3 teenagers. Fortunately, I do amazing with coupons and that $50 gets us about $100 worth of food. Here's the thing...I was called (against my will and better judgement, in the beginning) to stop working and raise my children. Then my call became to homeschool all 3 at my husband's request. He decided with 100% certainty that he wanted me home to teach them. I spent the last 15 years doing just that, and I know without a doubt that is my first and most important calling above all else right now. I only have another 3 1/2 years to go and I'll be done forever. In the past, my husband decided to try to send me to work a few times. I excelled, got promoted quickly, got raises, made great money (mostly waitressing at tea houses). But somehow, I knew it was wrong for me, that my job willed by God was to be home with the children He entrusted to me. The results? The first job had to close their doors due to the bad economy. The second job, just when I was told I was going to earn more in a week going full-time than I was making in a month part-time, my husband moved us to the middle of nowhere and I had to quit. They had to close their doors shortly after, and yes, I think they would've stayed open if I had stayed because many of the end decisions would have been very different. Then more recently I was told I needed to look for a job again, and the car started leaking and having problems we couldn't afford to fix. Finally, most recently, my health became a reason not to work - even to the point where I thought I had ovarian cancer and the doctor expected those results too. God intervened and cured that problem - He's so amazing! - and now the conversation is reopened. I haven't "fixed" the original health issue and can't afford to anytime soon, it's over $1000 to have a 40% chance of fixing it, and that may be only temporary. It just seems that every time I consider working, something bad happens, or my husband's paycheck get cut in half, or worse. I'm afraid to look because the car might die, or something equally as bad. Then when I decide to stop looking and decide staying home is God's will - almost immediately, problems clear up, my health improves, the car stops showing signs of leaking and breaking, my husband's checks almost double in size, and we get caught up again. But am I reading too much into normal circumstances? Is it just ME that doesn't want to work, or is it really GOD showing me over and over that it's not HIS will for me, only my husband's feelings of financial insecurity in a depressed economy? I pray and seek answers from God - but discernment is something I need right now (especially with Christmas coming so soon). I welcome any comments, insights, and advice - as long as it comes from a biblical perspective. Any thoughts?

A Month of Silence

I've been in about a month of silence, but now it's over. About 8 weeks ago, my doctor requested an ultrasound and happened to discover that I had a complex ovarian cyst that was 9 cm long. When we compared the symptoms that I'd been accumulating over the past few months, all of them (5 or 6) are typically signs of ovarian cancer. The "complex" part of a cyst means that there's a mass within it that's not liquid, it's solid. Knowing I didn't have endometriosis, nor fibroids, I was very concerned. I had to face the realistic possibility that I'd be told I had cancer - and what would I do with that? The waiting was 7 weeks. That's when the 2nd ultrasound was to be scheduled to see if the cyst grew (which would indicate fast-growing cancer), stayed the same - then we'd have to repeat expensive ultrasounds over the course of the next year to monitor it, or if it had begun to slowly shrink and resolve itself. For those 7 weeks, I didn't tell anyone. I didn't want them to worry if it turned out to be nothing. I also didn't want to share the news until I really had thought it through, searched my heart, and discovered where I'd go from here, regardless of the outcome. If it resolved itself, great. I could move on with my life with just a minimal procedure to fix another issue and be done. My strength and energy levels would rise and my pain, cramping, and food issues would probably subside. If it stayed the same, I'd continue in silence with only my household, my mother, and in-laws having any indication what was going on. I'm learning to wait to see what God will do. Waiting isn't easy for any of us, so it's a good lesson. If it turned out to be the worst-case scenario and I had cancer, I actually think I was ready. I discussed with Tim what I was prepared to do and not do, what type of treatments I do and don't believe in, and what good could come from it. Deep down, I felt that even if I was found with cancer, God would eventually heal it. He'd put me in some very unique circumstances and circles to just crash and burn it all so quickly. I also decided that I would bring my children, family, and friends along the journey with me so they could see what faith, trust, hope, and miracles look like. I decided that I would use this situation to reach others and bring God all the glory. I decided what in my schedule would stay and what would be let go. I decided to re-prioritize my life to be sure I was doing the important, not just the urgent. I decided to do what I felt was most important to me and to God. Not just do what everyone else expected me to do and accomplish. It was a great time of quiet, self-reflection. I'm glad Tim's on the road for 3 weeks at a time during this process too. It makes it easier to find the alone time needed to think and plan without daily influence that may not be exactly what I'm wanting to do. Friday was my 2nd ultrasound, 7 weeks from the first one. The best I could hope for was that it had begun to shrink, at least a percentage of it, large enough to know that it would eventually resolve itself. Imagine my shock when my doctor's assistant called and said, "the cyst has resolved itself". Not it's resolvING, not it was shrinking, it has already resolved itself - past tense! She said it's gone, and I won't require any further treatment regarding it or my ovaries in the foreseeable future! Was it a miracle? Maybe. Was it a test? Possibly. Was it a gift to force me to take time to think through my life? Absolutely! I'm very thankful today to know I don't have cancer growing inside me (a real possibility with it being so prevalent on all sides of my family), but I'm also very thankful for the opportunity to learn just how much I trust God and can let Him take care of my life without worry. I fully expected the worst case, yet there was no fear. I know where I'm going and felt blessed to have the opportunity if I would be taking part in a miracle that I really believed He'd do in my body. As a side note, the only thing I did differently during those 7 weeks was drink more Monavie - that superfood, antioxidant-rich health beverage I was blessed with a few years ago. It's got an ingredient called Wellmune (www.wellmune.com)that's been found very effective in the healing & prevention of certain "things". Symptoms kept me from eating properly, sleeping well, exercising, etc. So whether I was healed by God supernaturally, or by His bringing Monavie into my world, it doesn't matter. Either way, I'm healed, I'm healthier, I'm blessed, and I'm at peace. A month of silence is over. I give God all the glory for watching over me, protecting me, and helping me spend the second half of my life living for HIS purposes. Living on-purpose.

What Season Are You In?

I have seen that things in life are so changing, that we don't often get to dwell in a place of safety and security for very long. This is especially true in the Christian walk. Many times we find ourselves in a season. I've had many seasons. Here's just a few to explain what I mean:

A season where I had to work while trying to homeschool 3 kids - but that season ended, twice, by the place having to close down and by us moving away.

A season where we lost our home, had to move in with my in-laws, without much hope of things getting better, and bearing the guilt of being a burden to others - that season ended when God rearranged everything in our world and lined up a chain of events to help us move, find a new career, and a home greater than we could've afforded.

A season of struggles with our teenagers, all 3 of them at different times - but this too made its way around the circle as each grew in maturity, responsibility, and each developed a new outlook.

A season of strengthening our marriage, including a church gift of sending us to a marriage retreat at precisely the right time to change our direction.

A season of being in the exact center of God's will, where everything came together to bring Him glory, and every thing I did brought me joy and peace, while serving others to fill their needs.

So as you can see, bad or good, we live in seasons when we follow God. What season are you in? Is it one of struggles? One of peace? One of sadness? One of incredible blessings flowing? One of fear? One of overcoming and achieving your goals? One of rest from the storms of life? One of a new adventure and you're not quite sure how it'll turn out yet? Whatever your season, embrace it. Know that God has a plan and a purpose for you. Trust that He hasn't forgotten about you, and He's preparing the way ahead for you. Find contentment in the small blessings you're receiving day to day. Take on that spirit of thankfulness. Appreciate what you have rather than be let down over what you wish you were handed in life. Once you can determine the season you're in, make peace with it. Either enjoy the ride - or else, know that this too shall pass - and then you'll enter a new season that can be even better.

May you be blessed with protection, joy, comfort, provision, better health, and love. Have a great week, Dear One.

Appreciating the Little Things

Every so often, life fades into the background just long enough for me to see what's going on in and around me. Today, I'm in a place of appreciation and thankfulness. I know, many times we read something like that and think, "What do I have to be thankful for? If you only knew what I was going through." Let me tell you some of the things I can appreciate and see if any are things you too can be thankful for.

1. I have a lot of friends dealing with cancer right now. Who doesn't, these days, right? I'm thankful that they have the gift of knowing every day counts, and they often use them to grow their relationships with those closest to them. I can appreciate the struggles I haven't had to endure so far. If your one of those people struggling with cancer yourself, hear me when I say I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It isn't fair. I pray for your healing and if that doesn't happen, I pray you have time to be a blessing and receive blessings from relationships that matter most to you. If you're standing by having to watch someone go through it wishing you could take it from them instead, you're a wonderful part of their world that can make things easier on them just knowing how much you care. I don't know what my future holds, but I appreciate every day I have to connect with people. Life is short, make the very best of what you've got.

2. I also have lots of friends who've recently lost family members. Some to old age, some to sickness, some to unexpected accidents. My heart is heavy for them. I can't fix the world, I can't undo the harshness of this life, but I'm thankful for both what I've been spared so far, and also for what I can do to be there for those friends. What about you? Is there someone around you that needs a hug? That's lonely? That could use some help running errands or helping out with kids? Can you prepare some meals to make their life a little easier? What can be done to ease the suffering just a bit? I appreciate being able to bring a little light into someone's dark world. If you're the one who's recently lost someone, again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Let people know how they can help. Let them. Not only will it be a blessing to you, but it'll bless them by allowing this chance to serve you. We weren't made to suffer alone.

3. So many divorces today. I'd love to say that Christians don't have to worry about that, but sadly, the statistics show that people who claim to follow the Bible's teachings aren't significantly lower than those who live life as their own god. It happens to people every day. My own marriage hasn't always been perfect, but it has been worth it. I didn't give up when I thought I would. I didn't quit when it seemed easier to do that. Instead, I've been blessed with a God, friends, and family that have surrounded me when I needed it, even though many of them didn't know it. I appreciate that God always seems to arrange things to grow my marriage and closeness with my spouse. Is he trying to reach out to you? Or someone you love? Is he trying to bring a season of reconciliation? If so, trust him to carry you through the tough storms. You're not alone.

4. On a lighter note, there's many less-serious things on my mind that I'm also thankful for - things I appreciate in my life. Do any of these sound familiar?

I made it through another day. I have a place to sleep indoors. I ate today, more than once. I have a choice of what to wear today because I have the privilege of owning more than one outfit. I have great kids that aren't perfect, but they're great kids. I paid the bills on time. This wasn't always possible - but it was this time. I have a car that runs so I'm not having to walk, or take buses and cabs everywhere. I have family that loves and supports me. I have friends that are always there for me and I can be there for them. I have a great home church and even a great home-away-from-home church with wonderful friends that have been closer than family at times. I have two arms, two legs, a working mind, I can breathe on my own, I can see all God's creation around me, I can hear the voices of those I love - or a great piece of music, I have at least one person in my world that cares for me, and even if I lost all of that - I have a loving God, who sent His Son to save me for all eternity. One who loves me in spite of my failures. A loving Father who's always there for me, waiting to spend time with me, anxious to love me unconditionally - and so do you. For that, if that was ALL I had, I'm truly appreciative and thankful.

What do you have to be thankful for today?