Thanksgiving - mixed feelings - the Why of it all.

I have tried to be the encourager to so many over the years, it's something I really work at, but now I think I need one of my own. Today is Thanksgiving. I logically have so much to be thankful for, yet deep down, hidden far beneath the surface, I'm having trouble feeling thankful. Maybe if I talk this out it'll reveal a solution, or better perspective.

This year started so full of hope. Tim & I still had a growing Monavie business that was self-supporting, he had just started working with his father in a new and up-coming text media company that promised more money and freedom than any job. We made plans for travel, to get into a house of our own, to have money to send Adam to college - at least his first semester of community college. And to be able to do something besides spend every day in this cold house all winter, bored and too broke to go to town.

The first 3 or 4 months went well. Money was coming in, things were happening, we were visiting the valley every now and then, we even got to have a full week in the valley for Spring Break! It was a great time, then it all started to unravel around May.

Tim had a new focus and gave up on Monavie, so it died back to almost nothing. I just want to point out that the company is great, the products are all they claim and more, the leadership in place is tremendous, it's US that failed, not the venture.

Then things went sour with his new "boss" (not Dad). They had to part ways and the company's owner turned out to be a person who over promises and under delivers. The software platform became unreliable, as did support. So over the summer, they both quit pursuing this new business, and all our hopes of a home, travel, freedom, and stability was gone, thrown away. I stepped up and started cooking and baking things to sell at our tiny little farmer's market so we didn't lose our auto insurance and phones, but even that would come to an end in the fall.

Around fall, Tim realized that his fears are too big to own a business. He won't talk to strangers, won't do outside sales, and won't call to follow-up because he's afraid they'll quit. Every opportunity God's given us to grow, and become a success, Tim has let fears stop us and he decides his family will just have to settle for less and less, end of story. Well, after losing our home, having to declare bankruptcy, using up all savings and 401K plans, and now having no income - how much less does he think we can deal with? He finally decided to look for a job.

Fortunately, God rewards faithfulness. We never stopped tithing no matter how little we had. When Tim applied for ANY shift, ANY time, ANY days of the week, Walmart hired him for seasonal help, 3rd shift. After a few weeks of hard work, he stood out, and got hired as a full-time, non-seasonal employee. Sounds happy, right? Wrong. Seasonal workers get 40 hrs. a week. Full-time gets cut to 36 so there's no benefits to pay. We finally start to think MAYBE we can earn enough to get our own place, move closer to town, work and church, not have to dump most of his paycheck into the gas tank - and we get another hit. So, Tim pursues a possibility to take a test and some online classes through work so he can become a dept. manager in electronics. So does that pan out? It's never a yes or no - always some kind of "holding pattern". He's told yes, but has to test on company time - then they won't give him the time off the floor to take it - so no change, hours and pay are still cut, and now a bigger percentage of his check is for gas.

Did I mention that during all this, Cancer has ravaged my friends and family? I lost my Grandmother in October, my great-uncle (my favorite relative on that side) is dying of it, my Grandmother's sister is battling a brain tumor, my aunt has breast cancer, my cousin and sister both have pre-cancerous results show up every few months, my other aunt is also sick, and I've already lost an aunt, uncle and grandparent to cancer.

Oh yeah, and I'm getting tested for glaucoma next week because I can't read well anymore because my left eye has gone permanently blurry - while I battle hypertension, adrenal exhaustion, and high blood pressure from all this stress. My waking bp is high, even after a restful night of sleep!

This is my WHY I have trouble feeling thankful. I sit here reading on Facebook how thankful everyone is and tears just start falling. I've spent the last 18 months losing financial stability, friends, family, a purpose, ability to get out of the house, my vision, my health, but...I really do WANT to feel thankful and grateful, because I know things could be SO much worse. I'll write about that later.