Sometimes, I feel my responsibilities can be so overwhelming. I have two teenagers to homeschool, and I know I've only got another 2 and 4 years to finish training up in the way they should go before they're 18 and out in the real world, and that's such a dangerous place these days. Having watched my 18 year old turn from a lifetime of teachings to follow "truth" as he sees it, based on nothing but peer pressure and Facebook postings, I worry. He still tries to live a life of right vs wrong himself, but he's lost that line between the two. He believes that if enough people are doing something (more likely, if the MEDIA SAYS a majority of people are doing or feeling something), then it's now okay. Morality is based on popular vote, I guess. Church and faith aren't important when you plan on living a long life - you have decades to have fun, then when you're old and in the hospital, you can start worrying about faith. It's so overwhelming to try to teach your children to hang onto biblical truths. They'd much rather be accepted, not stand out.
Anyway, so I'm teaching my youngest about being content. I have her reading through a book with me that I read recently and really enjoyed. It helped me focus on all God does for us and to have a better attitude, yet through my daughter's eyes, it's only about contentment - and until this book - I never realized just what a stronghold discontent had on her. She's spent the past few weeks struggling with materialism on the border of mild hoarding issues. Not that she buys stuff, most of it's given to her, but that she can't let go of things - even when they hold no significance to her. I watched her struggle to clean her room, fighting to give away things that weren't given to her by anyone special, didn't belong to anyone she really knew, no attachment other than it was "her stuff". She's also battled with walking around in stores and malls. I had no idea the struggle inside her because, as she put it, "it's so depressing going there because I want everything I see." Who would've guessed that was going on in the life of a girl that grew up in a single-income family that's always struggled to have just enough to pay the bills? We've never had extra money to blow on just "stuff", but I guess through the generosity of others, she has had more than her share of collections - like Strawberry Shortcake, Littlest Pet Shop, Barbie things, etc. She's trying so hard to break free of the materialism. I've become very proud of her for choosing to turn her life around and follow Christ more closely than ever before. She's in the beginning stages of making her faith her own. Watching the struggle as her Mom can be overwhelming.
Then there's my middle child. Enough said? Such a wonderful, helpful, loving, hopeful spirit in him - yet he struggles with his faith to make it his own, too. He battles his ego, his "look at me" attitudes that seem to be more popular with middle children. (Think Peter and Jan Brady on the Brady Bunch.) He's made recent decisions to explore and grow his faith as well. We're doing a study together called The Me I Want to Be by John Ortberg. We're only on Chapter 4 in the book and through the first DVD session, but it's already turning out to be a great study for him. Hopefully, he'll find out it's okay to be who he is instead of constantly trying to become what he thinks he should be, or who he wished he could be, or even who others want him to be. The acceptance factor in this study is wonderful, and seems to be meeting him right where he's at. Although I see him growing more spiritually mature, the worry that it'll "stick" after watching his older brother's backsliding is also overwhelming.
My husband...what a wonderful man he is. He's living a very lonely, difficult life right now as an over-the-road flatbed driver because he was out of options to make enough of a living to afford a home for us. We're only renting for now, which is actually more expensive than ownership, but until we get back on our feet from a financial hit 2 years ago - it's the best we can do. He's away from family, friends, church, bible study, and fellowship most of the time now. He manages to make it home for church about every 3rd weekend. We're thankful for that, but it can't be easy. I know he'd rather sleep at home, in his own bed, enjoying the home he's working to provide. Thinking about how long it may be before he's able to take a similar job driving where he can be home at night, or even just more often...that's overwhelming, too.
Lastly, there's me. I have a huge responsibility ahead. I'll be leading the Women's evening bible study at our church in just a few weeks, yet I just found out it was going to be my total responsibility for it all. At first it was going to be a partnership with one or two other women. Now it's up to me. I enjoy the challenge and I'm thankful for the opportunity to serve the women of our church that can't make the day study. It's just that I take this as a big responsibility. I want to select just the right study, topic, format, night of the week, and frequency that God wants for the women he'll bring to this group. I want to help them where they're at. I can only guess it'll be a group of women who work (since they can't be at the day study), not too young (because they'd need to be home in the evening with their small children), and not too old (many don't drive at night). It's only a guess, but I'm thinking maybe, just maybe, it'll be a group of working women, with very busy lives, lots of demands, struggling to be workers, Mom's, managers of their homes, wives, and followers of Christ. They may fall between 30 and 50 years old. Coming in from so many different walks of life, at different points on their journey, I don't know what they'll need. That's VERY overwhelming. Picking just the right thing to spark a fire in their spirit. I know that's ultimately God's job to do that, not mine, but I feel the responsibility to make this work for them. If it bombs, they may not return to anything like this for a long time, if ever. I've been in prayer and deep thought over this all week, and will continue to do so, hoping for just the right study to be revealed to me by the weekend. I know God can give me wisdom and discernment in this, but still, I don't take it lightly. It's also overwhelming.
Father, I need your help. There's so many things I'm feeling pressure to teach, and do, and be. I feel for my husband in his struggles to. I know you've already seen and planned how all these things turn out. I pray now for wisdom and discernment to sort through all that's before me and choose what YOU want for the lives of everyone involved. Give me the right words and thoughts to complete your work in the lives of others. Stop me from leading anyone down paths other than what you would have planned for them. Reveal to me the true, most important purposes in each situation. I ask you to bring as many women to the study as you know can benefit from it. Help me to be a friend and sister alongside the women, a helpmate and best friend to my husband during his trying times, a mentor to my kids during their times of learning more about you and their faith, and help me deepen my own understanding and relationship with your son, Jesus, as all this comes about. Thank you for the opportunities and responsibilities you've given me to serve your people for your glory - never my own. May you be honored and glorified by all I do. I pray everyone involved will be drawn closer to you. Thank you in advance, In Jesus' Name. Amen.
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