We begin at the beginning...

This Tuesday I begin teaching our Ladies' Bible Study group. We'll be learning about the book of Genesis, where it all began. I'm not entirely sure what I'll do, say or teach. I just have confidence that God will use this time to say what He wants and hopefully, He'll stop me from saying what He doesn't want me to say.

I have a few goals in mind:

1. Teach the ladies that they CAN, in fact, pray out loud. Even if it's just one sentence.

2. Give the ladies a foundation of Genesis, to know the characters and events, but even more so, to teach them to see the heart of God towards man: his love, mercy, grace, faithfulness, and final authority of all.

3. To begin to grow a sort of apprentice in the process. I became "the teacher" of the group only because our former spiritual teacher left our study and someone needed to step up. I didn't realize I was growing into that role - I just woke up one Tuesday morning, opened my mouth, and God's wisdom fell out. He gets all the credit for the good - I take all responsibility for the bad where words missed the mark. Someday I won't be in that study, so I hope to seek out a new leader for the ladies I love so much, not that I'm a leader, but I allow God to lead through me at His convenience without any resistance from me. Time to grow the next one.

4. I can't wait to show them how often Jesus is mentioned in Genesis, not by name, but how God planned his life from the very foundations of the world so we could be with God for all eternity - yeah, He loves us THAT MUCH.

I approach this task with excitement, hope, enthusiasm, but most of all, humility. It's God's call - His leading.

By the way, did I mention the curriculum we're using, He gave to me through inspiration years ago?

Pray for our success.

Trusting is so hard sometimes.

I'm learning to take one day at a time when it comes to being a working Mom instead of a full-time homeschooling Mom. Last night I went to the local homeschool support group and it was really hard. They listed out all the events for the year and with the exception of a few night events, most take place during the day. It hit me that I've lost the freedom to plan for anything at all. I don't want to help my kids to participate in a Spelling Bee, Talent Show, History Fair, Science Fair - just to find out after months of hard work that I have to work and all their effort is wasted. The get-togethers, the sports and gym classes, they all take place during the day. With my ever-changing schedule, I don't know how to plan for it. I can't ask for a dozen dates off this school year. That's not fair to everyone else.

All I can do is trust God to take something that's gone so wrong and turn it into something good. Trusting and waiting is just so hard when every day is so long to me and so short to God.

Who God is to Me

God/Jesus is my:

Father - Protector - Defender - Warrior - Savior - Guiding Light - Beacon - Safety - Shield - Rock - Foundation - Peace - "Slayer of Dragons" - Deliverer - Counselor - Advisor - Mentor - Teacher - Center - Moral Compass - Escape - Love - Friend - Brother - Encourager - Healer - Miracle Worker - Strength - Unchanging Lord over all...

Who is he to you?

I stayed silent til I was ready.

I haven't been on this blog for a month and it was on purpose. I've had an upsetting, difficult month, and I knew I couldn't write anything positive yet. I've been angry at myself, at my husband, at my circumstances, and for a brief time, yes, I was mad at God too.

A few weeks ago I came home from a particularly difficult day at Bible Study. So many of my friends are hurting so badly and I wish I could do more to help them. I also found out some really bad news concerning a loved one that I again was powerless to help. That same day my husband informs me that I have to go to work. I'm not afraid of work, but the thought of not being able to homeschool my three kids just broke my heart. I didn't eat or sleep for a week. I also have to lose a limb before I cry, yet I was up bawling my eyes out in the middle of the night just thinking of not being able to sit around the table teaching my kids. How in the world would I be able to do all I do, introduce a brand new curriculum, keep my oldest on track for college with complete transcripts, and hold down a job on top of all the other things I do?

I was mad at God for letting it come to this (at first). How could He give me a calling so strong and obvious for homeschooling, and then let us fall into such hard times financially that I couldn't do what He called me to do? I teach, run the house, I'm writing a bible study to share (which I'll teach), and then there's the kids' activities - and now a job? When is it enough? Why do I have to be the one to keep adding on to my to-do lists when Tim only has his 1 job to worry about? Why is everything else my responsibility? I'm a help-meet to my husband? It feels like I'm his entire staff! I read to drop the unimportant busy activities to focus on only the true callings of God - then I'm forced to NOT do that?

God is merciful. He hears our prayers. He knows our needs. He feels our pain. He calms our fears. God found me the perfect job (the only one out of dozens I tried and the only one that didn't even consider NOT hiring me). I have a job where I can teach my kids for 2 hours every morning I have to work, I'm home by suppertime, I get my Tuesdays off for Bible Study and important things, and I don't have to work Sunday mornings so I can go to church. I can start with just 3 days a week and not have to increase to 4 or 5 until the kids and I are into the swing of things academically. It's in a peaceful, low-stress environment (a Victorian tea house, of all places!), and I can earn more there than working hourly somewhere else.

I'm still disappointed, but also owning my share of the responsibility for our finances. I'm sure there were purchases I made I didn't need to make. I probably spent money on the kids that wasn't necessary. I probably used credit cards when I could've used cash - or should've waited. Also, God gave us a wonderful, inexpensive business opportunity to grow our finances but Tim & I didn't give it all the effort we maybe could have. We let time slip by without persistent, consistent effort, so we haven't got the results we could have had by now - and we could've avoided having me go to work.

So now it's up to us to make some real changes. We're going to give more, save more, invest more, and pay cash for everything, buying nothing we don't need. My hope is that by the end of the year, we'll be ahead of our bills enough that I won't have to work anymore. My biggest fear is that while I'm now busy 7 days a week on stuff, Tim doesn't change anything, doesn't get our business to grow, we're dependent on my income, and I'm now stuck in the workforce when I should be home with my children.

I guess it's okay to not know the future, but to know without a doubt that God's in charge, He has a plan, and He loves me more than anyone else. He won't do something to harm me, but it's okay for Him to stretch us.

Bowing to Christ's Authority

What a great bible study lesson we had yesterday. Beth Moore was saying how we lose our peace when we try to be in control of everything, getting frustrated because we really can't control circumstances, or other people, or events. She said as we bow to the authority of Jesus, our peace increases - who couldn't use that?

A direct connection. The more I'm willing to bow to the authority of Jesus, the more I will find and have his peace that surpasses all understanding? How great is that! I've felt that kind of peace a few times in my life: peace when doctors were saying my 1st pregnancy was ectopic and I had to end my baby's life (I didn't, God performed a miracle, he's 14 and almost never been sick in his life), peace when dealing with a loved one's addictions that were destroying our relationship (that family member was miraculously cured after 20+ years of struggling), peace when there was no money coming to pay bills that were coming due (unexpected money from past transactions showed up), and so many more.....

The important thing I took away from the lesson was that God doesn't FIX the circumstances and THAT gives us peace. He doesn't calm the storm so we feel safe. He shows us peace in the MIDDLE of the storm, it rages all around us, yet we feel calm, safe and confident that whatever happens, it's for the best to serve His purposes.

It often seems unfair when a loved one is sick, or dies, but God can turn anything bad into something good - whether it restores broken relationships, teaches others to be less selfish and more of a servant, brings us closer to Himself in the process; He knows what He's doing. Bow to his authority today and feel His peace in your own life.

God Bless.

Re-writing my Genesis curriculum

I'm re-writing a curriculum I wrote for my kids on the book of Genesis. Even non-Christians know lots of this book: Adam & Eve, Noah, Joseph and his coat of many colors, etc.

Since I've written it, I've had many requests to "upgrade" it to an adult version of a Bible Study. I love the prospect of accomplishing that! I started to overhaul it about a year or more ago, but it wasn't the right time. Now I'm on Chapter 20 and what I call Phase I, is going well. Phase I will be using software to go behind the scenes and come up with background info, geographical references, definitions, and questions to ask. Phase II will involve word studies (using bible dictionaries) and cross-referencing with other bible verses to illustrate or reinforce points of importance. Phase III will be putting it into a usable format, whether it's to be taught in front of a class with students' worksheets, or in a simplified book-type format, or if I buy binder paper and supplies at Office Max and create actual books.

Once it's done, we'll test it out with some of the ladies from my Bible study group at church. They'll help me find my errors, fill in gaps I left, trouble shoot rough spots or unclear points, and tell me if it makes sense, flows smoothly, etc.

If it passes the testing phase, I'd like to try to publish it. Maybe I could sell it as an eBook, or sell it to local churches to try, or something. I think in addition to teaching, I've always wanted to be a writer. Since I only have about a dozen or less devotionals I've "received", I can't really make a book unless I make each one a weekly chapter with a character focus, like a 12 weeks to happiness or something.

I guess I'll just keep plugging away discovering God's treasures in His Word, and trust Him to deciding what to do with it all.

An amazing dream...

I often ask God for dreams because that's a language He and I speak. He gives me a dream for direction, or to answer a question, or as a warning, and then He gives me the gift to interpret His meaning of it, and I can "get it".

Early this morning I awoke briefly and asked God for a dream to show me what I should be doing, or what He has for me to do for His purposes. I fell back to sleep and had this dream (I'll leave out the non-essential details):

I dreamed I was in a play/film with my boys (they take drama). The moms helped out by being extras. I'd been visiting with relatives and arrived on the set late. I was the only one who hadn't seen the script, so I had no idea what was coming next, where to go, where to be, what lines I may have had, etc.

I was told the film was called "The Return of Don Quixote" (no idea why). I knew in my dream I'd met whoever played Quixote when our group filmed the first Quixote movie/play, but at the moment, I didn't recall who it was.

Next I'm in a scene with the other moms. We're on a schoolbus that gets overturned by a tornado. I don't know what to do, so I wait for a cue from someone, just trying to quietly not do the wrong thing. Suddenly, Don Quixote and his men come to help us out and I see it's Patrick Stewart! Now, in my mind, he would represent someone in authority, the one in charge, the star of the show, the captain of the Enterprise in Star Trek and well as in the Moby Dick movie, leader of the XMen.

Jump to the next scene. I'm on a stool sitting, again not knowing what I should be doing, so I wait for Patrick to give me clues. He takes me by both hands, pulls me off to the side where we quickly exchange friendly greetings with a smile and a few kind words, then...He begins to give me clues, almost in riddle form. Then he asks me, "Now, why do you think I said that to you?" and he waits for me to figure out why, what to do next, etc. He led me like this step-by-step through the scene.

Now here's my interpretation: It appears the message is that I don't need to read the whole script (know the future) to know what's next or how it turns out. I only need to listen to what God has to say. He may appear to be sometimes talking in riddles as I read through the scriptures, but if I just wait, and meditate on what he's saying, figure out WHY he's saying it, finding the intentions behind the words, I can get through things one step at a time. I'll be following very closely in his footsteps, on the correct path He's chosen for me. I couldn't just look around me (at the other moms) to see what they were doing. They had their own things to do. I had to take my directions from the one in charge, a dear friend whom I love to be with.

God is so good. Once again, we spoke and He taught me through a dream. It's our "Love Language".

He Gives and Takes Away

Today at church we were singing "Blessed Be Your Name" and the lyrics I'd heard so many times before really hit me. I never really thought about it, but when they say He gives and takes away I always pictured it meaning that although God gives us many blessings, he also takes things away and we have to be thankful for those times too. Although I believe that to be true, today the words meant God also takes away...the bad. He takes away medical conditions, He takes away addictions, He takes away the bad people in our lives that are in the way of His plans for us, He takes away the jobs that would harm us, He takes away pain when we're hurting inside,......

What a paradigm shift. Instead of only focusing on having to be obedient and thankful in the bad times, or disappointments, or unexpected tragedies of life, I know can sing that song with a whole new perspective and joy from within. Although my singing is nothing to be proud of, I know my Father in Heaven will accept the praise just the same.

I hope you find your joy in Him today too.

Question to ask myself:

Q. Am I using my abilities well to serve others?

A. I believe my spiritual gifts are encouragement/exhortation and teaching. I use those in homeschooling my kids, leading our groups during ladies bible study, and encourage my friends at every opportunity - realizing I may be the only nice person they run into that day, so I better make our encounter count. I've been told by my peers in our small group that they believe I also possess the gift of prophecy. No, I don't mean like a prophet who tells the future, but one who receives information without having to hear or see it, the "behind the scenes" stuff that helps give the right advice. People bring me problems they don't know how to solve, and often I get a sense that something else is going on they aren't aware of, or that God has a message for them that they'll hear through something I say, or a story I tell, or in something I've experienced. So if those are my gifts, yes I'm using them. I guess the real question is if I'm using them to serve enough others?

I've been feeling lately that I have so many friends with so many problems that prayer isn't enough. I want to help beyond just a dozen people or so. I don't think I need to lead millions or be a public speaker or anything, although I would if I felt God really wanted me to do it. But I feel like it may be time to expand my circle of influence. I'm going to spend the next few months trying to reach out to more strangers, people put in my path, neighbors I don't know, maybe even show up to a few events to meet new people. I have a new drive to really help people heal, especially spiritually, and give them hope again. I just don't know how to find them or to help them find me. I'm not a counselor, nor do I want to become one, but I would like to be someone who either writes for others' benefit, or speaks to women that need hope, or be the neighbor that people can trust, I want my life to count for something...to have left the people I've met in better shape than they were when I first met them.

My journey of belief

I've learned over the years that God puts us through different seasons in our life. I've had seasons of teaching a co-op class, seasons of rest, seasons of just being close to Him, sensing His peace, seasons of joy and excitement, etc.

I knew it was time for a new season when I started my latest Bible Study, but I believe I'm beginning to see what it is. I think I'm entering a season to grow my belief. I don't mean belief in God, or faith; I mean a season of believing God CAN break me of my bad habits, he CAN get us a home that fits our growing family, He CAN get us out of debt (with our hearts right and a consistent effort), and He CAN help my family grow closer together.

Without a vision, the people perish...
My follow-up statement: With a vision, the people flourish!

Praise God for His do-overs every morning!

Enslaved to Rightousness

We started our new ladies' bible study recently. We're working through the Fruits of the Spirit with Beth Moore. I'm very excited about it and we're not even through the first week! I'm intrigued about the possibility of being "enslaved to rightousness" instead of being enslaved to sin. There are a few areas of my life that still make me feel weak, guilty and hopeless - but now, I really do believe I'll learn to master those too by finally being able to do it in Jesus' strength. I've seen first hand that the power of Jesus can break addictions, bad habits, and change hardened hearts - so this too is possible for me.

I've memorized our main theme's verse in Galatians 5:22-23 - But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. I've always had trouble memorizing scripture word-for-word, or if I could, remembering exactly where to find it. This is my first real memorization and it was hard since it has so many nouns and they have to be in a particular order. This small success also gives me hope that it's my time to really be touched and to grow in the Holy Spirit.

I can't wait to see where this journey leads!

Proper Questions

Good afternoon. I "stole" today's entry from the blog of someone I consider a mentor(www.chrisbrady.typepad.com) because these are the very questions I've been asking myself lately as I strive to be a Servant Leader. The following questions are the Proper Questions we should be asking ourselves if we are to make a difference. There are many you can ask, but here are a few:

1. Who am I going to serve today?

2. What steps am I going to take toward my dream today?

3. What is my purpose in life?

4. What special skills has God given me that point me to my purpose?

5. What activities make me "come alive?"

6. What dreams or achievements can I think about and focus upon to get myself excited about achievement?

7. What kind of legacy am I leaving with the way I am living my life each day?

8. What is the highest picture I can generate in my mind's eye of the kind of person God is fashioning me into for His glory?

9. Am I making the most of my gifts and time?

10. Ten years from today, what would I wish I had been doing?

30 Days to Live

What would you do if you had 30 days to live? Would you spend it working overtime? Watching hours of TV after work? Worrying about having the latest, greatest "stuff"? Would you put off making that call to an old friend? Would you spend it on your hobbies with buddies instead of spending it with your family? Would you put off wondering if your afterlife is secure?

How would you finish this sentence to someone you love?:

"What I really want you to know is....."

As for me, if I had 30 days to live, I think I would find a way to get my husband home for those 30 days (without having to go to work). Then we'd play sports with the kids, go camping, work in a trip or two to see my long-distance relatives, and write out what I do so the rest of the family can have things go smoothly once I'm gone.

I'd be very persistent with my loved ones about the seriousness of belief in Christ paying the penalty for their sins so they could have eternal life in God's presence. I'd scrapbook pages and pages for my kids telling them all my favorite moments with them, why each is special to me, my hopes and dreams for them, and what's really important in life. I'd spend every moment possibly with my husband, telling him all the reasons I love and respect him, making sure he understood I have no regrets or unforgiveness or disappointment in him - he's my hero for so many reasons.

I'd teach another relative to run my family's blog so the long-distance relatives can all stay as close as we are now, even closer. I'd throw a big Bon Voyage party for my friends, letting them each know how they individually impacted my life, what I learned from them, and why they're special.

I'd put off laundry, dishes, floors, worrying, and anything else that steals precious time.

I'd make sure the kids had another family to work with so they can finish their homeschool education.

And I might even take time to pet the housecat :-)

What would you do?

Easter Thoughts

Not much to say here, it all went into my diary, But I couldn't let Easter go without saying something.

Remember this weekend what the holiday's all about. Not the candy, the clothes, to egg-hunts...but about a miracle. Jesus rose from the dead, proving all he'd said before that was true. Our sins could now be forgiven by trusting that he paid the price for our sins already. We now have fellowship and are part of God's family. We are Jesus' brothers and sisters now. Don't forget to thank Jesus for his sacrifice and God for providing it while we were still sinners. Celebrate the day, with family, and rejoicing, and hope, and peace, and confidence that there's a God in Heaven who loves you so much, He was willing to die for you.

God Bless and Happy Easter

Beauty from Ashes

This is a copy of my 7th Devotional:

We recently drove home from up North by way of the forest. As I gazed out the window, I was half-listening to a Christian music CD, it hit me ...
The Rodeo-Chedesky fire wiped out every living thing for so many acres, how could it ever be something other than a field of black soot and ash? I was saddened by the stark remains of burned trees stretching up to the sky for as far as the eye could see. Then God gave me an epiphany, my eyes fell to the ground where new green life was again forming a forest, beautiful and hand-planted by the Creator Himself.
My first understanding was the similarities between the forest and our lives. Many of us had to go through an ordeal by fire to find the true nature of God. We had to burn away the "dead wood" so he could prune us back for an amazing time of growth in our future. We left behind some family members, some old friends, some bad habits that made up our comfort zones, and in return, God gave us His light, and living water, so we could grow better and stronger than before. A changed being.
My next phase of understanding brought me to realize that now we're that new life but yet, we still live among the dying or dead spirits. The sadness I felt for the empty, naked trees reminded me of the deeply hurting people we see all around us every day who don't know how to regain strength and life. Only when we, the new creations in Christ, join together can we help the forest to become green again. Only if we allow God to use us to touch others can we stand among the living.

Dear Heavenly Father,
It always amazes us how you use the simplest, everyday things in our life to teach us new lessons. We don't want to be just the few greens on the forest floor. We know you love everyone as your own, even if they don't know or understand that. They need you just as we did and still do. Help us to allow you to prune us back, so we can grow and bring new life to a barren world. Amen

Living Each Day

Recently, a friend's blog posted a video of Randy Pausch during his interview on Oprah. He's a man dying of pancreatic cancer, with just a few months to live. He's a college professor with a wife and three little kids under the age of five. The video highlights a talk he gave as a final exit speech on living. He's not sad, or bitter, or angry about what he's been dealt with because he's always lived his life to the fullest. His speech has been the #1 most downloaded clip off YouTube (at least I think that's what Oprah said). Do a search for him, or read it on my friend's blog at www.orrinwoodward.blogharbor.com - just go down a few entries to the one titled "Randy Pausch". It's about 20 min. long, but it cuts out the commercials. It's SOOOOOO worth your time.

What a great reminder of how we're meant to live. May you be blessed by his inspiration.

You have to give to receive...

Have you ever heard that before? You have to give to receive. I grew up with my grandmother telling me it's better to give than to receive, but not I HAD to give to receive.

Today I called a friend of mine who lives 3000 miles away. Actually, she's more than a friend. She's been my best friend all through childhood, my teen years, and into my adult years until I got married. We've been through everything together, weddings, funerals, ex-everythings, apartments, cars, you name it. Her parents were foster parents, and although I wasn't a ward of the state, I spent many years in and out of their home so they were my foster parents, too.

Anyway, I called her mainly because we try to talk every weekend, but more deeply than that, I needed to call her. She means the world to me, always has, even during the years where we lost touch. (Life happens too fast and time slips away.)

I told her I feel energized when I'm helping others and since I'd been in the house the past few days, I felt useless and bored. Okay, so maybe I said something like, "I live such a boring life!" but you get the idea.

My friend can handle herself and anything else that comes along without me, and do just fine, she's that kind of dynamic person. I'm so proud of the woman she grew up to be. But by just listening to her, hearing her voice, I was able to find a few things to say to encourage her. This really energized me. My whole mood lifted and I felt like I was in a better place when we hung up. I didn't feel good about myself, that's not what this is about...I felt better becuase she was happier. Because I felt God was able to use me to bring laughter to her day where it wasn't there before. I felt I was living my purpose.

With my new feeling of revitalization, I realized how separated I felt when I wasn't fulfilling a purpose - just drifting along through life. I now believe I've reached a new peak, a next step in my journey: I NEED to give (to others)in order to receive (a blessed heart, sense of purpose, fulfillment).

May you be blessed by something here and make it yours.

Seasons of Life

One of the things I've learned over the past few years is that life is made up of seasons, and just like it says in Ecclesiastes 3, there is a time for everything under the sun.

I was recently in a season of simplicity. I fixed my schedule so I'm not too busy anymore. I let go of the things that were simply just "busy" events. I learned that it's okay for me to rest on Sundays (football season helped). I'm okay with sleeping til 8am now, where for almost 40 years I habitually got up between 5:30 and 7:00am - only to crash on the couch by 3 in the afternoon.

My current season is an answer to prayer for direction. I planned on taking off this study. I wondered if the ladies would be better off without my talking, or "a story for everything". I stepped up when the group's last bible scholar left, to fill a need. I wondered if someone else would fill the role if I stepped back. I prayed for wisdom to see if my Tuesdays are already too busy, and if I should take one study off. My answer was an overwhelming NO! The 6 week study was broken out to 12 weeks so it wouldn't be too much homework for me. Ladies asked if I'd be back because they needed to learn from what I allowed God to work and do through me. I know full-well that anything I've given to the ladies is ALL from God. HE is the teacher, I'm merely and humbly just His messenger.

My next season should be exciting. I believe it'll hold moving to a new home, reaching out to new neighbors, especially unchurched teens nearby, starting a tutoring Co-Op Center from my home, and the most exciting thing to me is that I think Tim & I are being called to start a small group from our new home for the new ladies at bible study and their husbands. Of course, we'd open it for anyone, but having a solid connection long enough for God to really move and change in their life is what's needed in most cases - so we'd welcome the singles, dating couples, and married couples. I'm looking forward to it.

Leadership

"Leadership". What does that make you think of when you hear it? Just another buzz word? Control over others? Having others to do things that are "beneath" you? or do you think of Jesus, the greatest king who ever walked the earth, yet served others, drawing people to himself, which gave him influence with them (not manipulation), to therefore change the world!?

I had the unique priviledge yesterday to sit in on a seminar where the speakers are people I know a lot about. I've heard so many of their stories before that they're like part of the family now. The two of them spoke on leadership. Here are just a few of the major highlights:

Don't give up the GREAT for the "good-of-the-day", don't settle.
The only formula for lasting success is Dream + Struggle = Victory.
A leader lifts others up, edifies with respect, and has his/her ego in check.
Don't criticize, condemn or complain; instead, accept, approve and appreciate.
If the person you're telling the story to isn't part of the problem or the solution,
you're just gossiping.
Assume good intent in others.
Minimize the faults of others.
Focus only on what you can control or help change.
When you grow in preparedness, opportunities will find YOU.
Keep the Main Thing the Main Thing - therefore, HAVE a main thing!
Ask yourself the question "What would people say is MY main thing?", and would you be proud of that?
Leaders are life-long learners.
When something bad happens, and you realize everything happens for a reason, ask yourself first, "What can I learn from this?" and second, "What doors open when others are closed?".

I've noticed since following Biblical principles, and taking advice from mentors like the speakers on Saturday, and their business partners - who I actually did get to meet this past summer, I'm beginning to see God bringing new people into my circle of concern. I've got new friends I've just made in the last 6 months or so, and some I will become friends with in the next 6 months. I need to grow and be prepared in case opportunity, namely God, finds me to give them what they need. It may be an uplifting word, a black-and-white solution without emotions to cloud the waters, a shoulder to cry on, a friend to pray for them, or just someone to be there with them through a hard time.

I sometimes feel like Moses when God told him to tell Pharoah to free the Hebrews. I feel like "Who am I? Nobody, and full of flaws". But do I really want God to give that opportunity to someone else because I said "No"? What a blessing I'd miss out on...to bring glory to the One who gives me EVERYTHING!

Leadership? I don't feel worthy...but SIGN ME UP !!!

Where would I be?...

This week in my bible study we had an interesting question: Where would you be if God hadn't stepped into your life? Or changed your life? Or protected you through the years? Wow! What a question...

As for me, I would've spent my life with "victim mentality" because of my childhood. I wouldn't have had my friend Sue's Mom, and my friend Michelle's parents to watch over and guide me to stay on the right path. They showed me what a "home" should look like when my house was falling apart all the time.

I would've joined an ex-boyfriend in doing drugs instead of kicking him and his bad habits to the curb! I'd be bailing him out, hanging out with drug-addicts, thinking it's normal.

I might have ended up pregnant at 16 or 17, quitting school.

I might have allowed another jerk of an ex-boyfriend to steal my self-esteem permanantly.

I wouldn't have had the amazing, wonderful life I have now with Tim. He's been everything to me here on earth since the day we started dating - another God story for another time. But he was SENT to me immediately after I called to God on my knees for a better life, the one He had for me all along.

I wouldn't have the deep friendships and support I have now.

And maybe worst of all...I'd still be shoveling snow, freezing in New England!

Kicked Out of the Nest

Recently the small bible study group I've belonged to has had a time of restructuring. Two of our former leaders and dearest couples have had to step out of group, to follow what God's telling them is a priority right now. That's left the two of us wondering what it is we should be doing. Should we continue to meet with the remaining members? Do something with just one other couple from the group? Do something that just me and my husband start? So many questions, but really, just one answer. Let me explain.

I feel like it's a time to get kicked out of the nest. I joined this group back in early spring 2005.
I was in a weird place. I was trying to grow, had some stuff at home to deal with, was trying to let go of my bad childhood, be real and honest, and become a woman of God without the phony, showy personna.

This group has been together through trials, tragedies, fears, feelings of hopelessness, and defeats. But we've also been together through victories, joys, healings, newfound hope, direction, and celebrations. We were together when we needed each other. And now it's time for us to begin new projects to help other people.

Although we may not have all the answers to our questions, the answer is the same. It's time for us to create a place, or several places, for new believers to come during their trials, defeats, and fears - to be lifted up, brought before the throne of the Almighty, and learn what they need to then pay it forward for others in the future.

Small Victories

I attended a seminar on Saturday and one of the speakers' main points was to experience small victories, which will help you achieve your big goals in the future. I asked myself, "How can I apply this to my faith?" Here's a few suggestions:

1. Reading God's word - I want to read the entire bible eventually. I started a reading program where I read 1 chapter a day. If that's too big, read 1 Proverb daily, every day, for a whole month. A small victory now will mean more confidence to reach the next biggest goal in the future.

2. Praying daily - I want to take time to pray for my friends and family every day but the list is so long, it seems too time consuming. I decided to pick say, 5 friends and 3 family members to pray each day. By the end of the week, I'll have prayed for all of them, and the most important ones, I'll do more than once. That's more than I get around to praying for now, right?

3. Using my spiritual gifts and talents - I want to use them for the benefit of OTHERS. If I know they're telling right from wrong, encouragement, and teaching, I could use them to increase the quality of my homeschooling with my kids. I could offer to lead the next bible study or small group at church. I could open up to neighbors, or friends I'm not that close too yet, or take time to help out a relative I haven't yet.

Start each day asking what things I want to accomplish TODAY. Taking it one day at a time will get us further at the end of a week, a month, or a year, than not planning at all.

Life is Hard

You know, I used to tell people I'd pray for them because it was kind of a short list. Now it's such a long list that it takes a long time to get through it now. I wonder if it's just because I have more friends, or if it's just that life is getting harder. The bible says at the end of times it'll be like birthing pains. To me, that sounds like it builds and builds, getting more and more painful. This HAS to be it, right?

In one week, I could easily find myself praying for 50 people! Financial hardship, marital problems, a dying, unsaved relative, a friend in a major accident, the loss of a loved one, a job lost, addictions, abuse, the list goes on and on.

What can we do about it? As followers of Christ it's up to us to stand in the gap between God and the evils of this world. It's time we come together in prayer to make a real difference in the world. It's time we voted for the candidate that we believe obeys God's laws, not just the one promising the best free ride (and NOT the one who looks the best!).

God's word says He's present wherever 2 or more are gathered in His name. So it's time to gather, to pray, to fight the battle you can't see, the wage war against the enemy who orchestrates temptations, poor choices, hardships and mistreatment of others. Let's stand up for those who can't stand alone.

Let's take back our holy ground! We've been empowered in the name of Jesus. We CAN tell the enemy to flee, bind him from interfering, so let's do all we can - grab your armor and swords! - the world needs prayer warriors!

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

Have you ever watched the show? I've heard so many criticisms of the show but you know what? How is it a bad thing to help a deserving family live in a safer home and maybe pay off some of their bills? My heart just breaks for almost every family they show. They go through losing family members, major accidents and traumas, been devastated by life or choices of another that they had no control over, or are in the process of healing knowing they have a very real possibility of dying in the near future.

How I wish I had the ability to step into someone's life and change their world for the better. After all, isn't that what Jesus did for those he met? To step in and make a way out of circumstances, to bring light into a dark situation, that's the adventure I'd love to be on.

Extreme Makeover: Spiritual Edition?

What's Holding You Back?

I'm reading Captivating by Stasi Eldridge and came upon a part in the book that really made me think. She talks about how words, whether ours or others, can hold us back, or keep us paralyzed for years. Many of us had rough childhoods, or a bad relationship, or never got the affirmation we should have growing up. We either had someone tell us we weren't good enough, or strong enough, or grown-up enough, or they declared that we had a major weakness. For others of us, we were under a controlling person for years and we vowed to never let anyone else do that again (and we end up being controlling ourselves), or that we'd be the best (overachiever), you know what I mean, right?

Words are powerful. What we, or others, tell our brain - it believes us - good or bad. If we agree with the derrogatory statements others put on us, or we tell our brains how "it's going to be from now own" or "never again", it will do whatever it takes to support that.

Now, not only did my book talk about this, but also I caught Beth Moore on TV yesterday talking about the same thing. She mentioned being paralyzed by the enemy because of our believing lies.

To further confirm this, I also recently found a friend dealing with the same thing.

Here's what you need to do to move forward, to stop letting words hold you back anymore:

Renounce this "curse" in the name of Jesus. Demand that the enemy has no power in this area any longer. Ask God to come in and remove those words. Give Him free reign in all areas that have been touched by this. In the name of Jesus, pray His blood over your life for protection and healing.

Then give God praise and thanks and hold on for the exciting, wonderful future and the plans he has for you (Jeremiah 29:11).

Prayer for the New Year

Dear Heavenly Father, as I look back on this past year, I see so many times where you revealed yourself, protected me and my loved ones, kept your promises, and provided for my needs.
I know you are the Alpha and the Omega, so not only are you the One who Begins a good work in me, but You also are the One who wishes to finish a good work in me. Lord, I pray if I've kept you out of any area of my life, or if my selfish desires have stood in the way of your will, I now give you permission to enter, grow and change all areas of my life, in order for you to complete the good work you started in me.
Father, I pray for patience while waiting for you to answer my prayers and your plans to be revealed. I pray for a more sensitive heart, that I would feel pity, and grace, and forgiveness towards others in the coming year. I also ask for your provision on my household. You are a father who knows how to give good gifts to your children. I thank you that through Jesus' sacrifice, I am now counted among your children. I ask you to provide for my material needs in order that I would not be distracted by them, and can focus on trust and peace in you, instead. I pray that you'd help me to use the gifts, abilities and talents you've given me in the new year for your glory and to lift up the body of believers, as well as reach out to those who maybe haven't learned to follow Christ yet.
Bless the work of my hands, the words of my mouth, and the thoughts I have. May they learn to be under your authority for both my benefit and your glory.
I end this prayer with thanks and praise and worship and honor to you Heavenly Father. Thank you for all you've already done, and for allowing me the opportunity to present my requests to you, and to have the confidence to entrust it all to you in the New Year.
In Jesus Name,
Amen.

Christmas Miracle Number Two!!!

The same night our "Christmas Angel" came anonymously, my husband also returned home with unbelievable news: two of the older women at his work had already gone out and bought gifts for our family! They didn't do it for everyone, and there's no reason they should've picked us, but they did. I can only guess that God called them to do this and they responded to His nudgings.

They bought our family toys, sports balls, grocery gift cards, cash gift cards, gifts for our home, and even an old-fashioned curved walking stick like pictures of St. Nick's from an earlier era, complete with a red ribbon and jingle bells on it.

I can never say enough how much God provides, and He rewards our efforts, and He cares about our desires - in many cases, He put them there.

So as we enter the New Year, just remember to trust Him for all your needs, trust Him with your family, your provision, your safety, your health and your heart. He loves you like no other!

God Bless You.

A Christmas Angel - Miracles DO still happen!

(Dec.23rd): Just yesterday I was thinking, "how are we going to pay the mortgage, and the kids need clothes, and it's going to be our smallest Christmas ever." But, I'm always the first to stand up in front of a crowd and tell them not to worry about financial hardship - God will provide, somehow.

Money really DOES fall from the sky when God's involved, and others allow Him to speak through them. Here's what happened:

It was about 6:30 pm (give or take) Sunday night. There was a loud knock at our metal screen door. I was sitting right by the door, so I was there to open the door within 2 or 3 seconds. No one was there. I went to turn on our motion-sensitive light, but it wasn't working. I went to open the screen door and noticed there were 2 packages on the ground with our family's name on them, and an envelope. I thought, "how nice, someone thought of us" and I opened the card hoping it was a letter signed by the generous giver. I opened the envelope and in it was $500 in cash and a $500 gift card from Target!!! I couldn't believe it! I ran to the patio to look for a person, or car leaving, or something - but no one was there. It was in less than 60 seconds! I went in the patio door and by the time I got in the house, my husband came home in the front door. I asked him if he saw anyone out there and he said there was no one out there. We won't open the gifts til it's time, but I believe if God blesses you, you give Him all the credit. So I'm doing that with this entry (and we both emailed everyone on our email lists), and if you happen to know who may have had a part in this, please, pass on our thanks, and our love, and our true, true appreciation for such a remarkable and timely gift. We now can pay our mortgage, get the things we need, and our kids will have a great Christmas. We love all of you.

May you be blessed and encouraged by this,

Captivating

A few years ago I went through the book and workbook called Captivating by Stasi (and husband John) Eldridge. It's the "hers" book that compliments Wild at Heart for "him".
I first went through it right after a major heartache - and it definitely shows in my answers in the workbook.

I'd like to think I'm older and wiser now, closer to God than before, more aware of all He created me to be. Still, I find myself re-living the same hurt feelings as I read through the book, but at least now, the feelings seem more distant. Last time, they were raw, exposed.

I think I'm gearing up for another challenge, a positive change, an opportunity to be great by God's power and direction - if He so chooses. I plan on being a good listener, student and willing to follow Him to the ends of the earth, if need be.

I need to be swept up in an adventure. My life has seemed so boring for the last few years. I'm ready for whatever God has planned because it's HIS plan, and according to Jeremiah 29:11, He knows the plans he has for me, not plans to harm me, but plans to prosper me. In His Name I trust.

Blue Like Jazz

I just finished reading a book my dear friend loaned to me. It's called Blue Like Jazz, and it's written by Donald Miller. What a great book! It's about a regular guy, living his life, trying to figure out what Christianity is. He knows it's supposed to be different from "religion", he tries to figure out what God wants from us, what our role is, and who Jesus is.

The book reads quick - even with my busy schedule I was done in just a few days. It's written like diary or journal entries, so no section is too long, great if you only have a few minutes here and there to read.

I "get" what Christianity is, I know I'm saved, I understand what it means to be a Christ-follower, I feel that God the Father is 100% my "Dad", in every way possible. I appreciate His gift of Jesus, I appreciate the sacrifice Jesus made for us, I understand what an atoning sacrifice is, but I still struggle with what type of relationship I'm supposed to have with Jesus. Let me explain:

If God is my father and he says not to pray to anyone but him, why do so many Christians pray to Jesus directly? I feel like it's wrong when I do it. I pray to God, but ask through Jesus, in Jesus' name, not on my own merit or right. I see Jesus as a mentor, and a friend, but I really long for the romance, the falling in love with Jesus that I hear and sing about. I long for the passion of who Jesus is, and how deep his love for me really is, to sink in. I want that heart-stirring emotion.

I live my life very logically, with very little emotion, everything in black & white - so I'd like my Spiritual life to be so much more.

Recipe for Man-made Manna

Hi, this obviously won't be miraculous or probably taste like "the bread of angels", but what a great opportunity to explain to our kids, grandkids, spouses, family or friends about God's provision?

Man-Made Manna Recipe:

225 gr. cake quality matzo flour, sifted
2 tsp. dried coriander leaves
1/2 C boiling water
1 T. sesame oil (plus extra to brush on)
2 T. honey

1. Resift the flour with the coriander. Place mixture in a bowl and make a well in the center. Into this pour 1/2 cup boiling water and the sesame oil. Mix into a dough and knead until smooth and elastic. Divide into 12 portions.

2. Roll first portion into a 10 cm circle and brush with a little sesame oil. Roll out 2nd portion and cover the 1st. Roll both portions out again to make a 15 cm "sandwich". Continue to do this with each portion so you end up with 6 "sandwiches" rolled out.

3. Heat a heavy skillet without oil on medium, and fry the pancake-like sandwiches one at a time, turning once to both sides are cooked. (*Important: keep skillet moving, like making old-fashioned popcorn, so it doesn't stick.)

4. When all are cooked, separate each sandwich back into 12 portions. Spread each pancake with a little bit of honey and fold in half, then half again making a wedge. Serve immediately.

Finding My Purpose

For the last two or three weeks I've been struggling with something. I've known for a long time that I'm supposed to be on "an adventure" of sorts, a quest, a mission, a purpose. Although I know I'm getting closer to that purpose every day, and I know I'm on the right path, I still feel there's something MORE I'm supposed to be doing.

I've also noticed recently that I've become a counselor of sorts to other Christians on their journey. I know my Spiritual Gifts are Encouragement, Teaching, and Discernment, so I know that's kind of how they all come together, but when I made the realization that being a helper for others to stay on the path, or to choose between two seemingly good paths, I got cold feet.

I've been helping friends and family this way for years, but now I see it in a different light. It's no longer just a casual, "Let me tell you what I'd do based on what the Bible says and my experience..." Now I feel the responsibility that I have to be God's voice in the matter. I feel like Moses willing to serve a mighty God, but scared that I'll mess up. All kinds of doubts came to mind: what if I'm wrong? do I really know ALL the bible says on that subject? what if I can't help them? how do I know what's right if I never dealt with that problem before? and so many more!

Then God spoke to me through 2 friends and a dream.

The two friends, at different times, in different circumstances said that we can be used in our weaknesses because that's where he can prove how strong He is. And all will know He can do and speak and help, in SPITE of me and my faults.

I've also been dreaming for 20 years of being back in school. It happens almost every week it seems. I'm always either late for class, or can't find my schedule, or can't remember my locker combination, but I'm so eager to be in class as a student. Sometimes the people there are current friends, sometimes they're from high school, sometimes they're strangers. A few nights ago, the dream changed. I was running late for work because I got out of class late and I said to the 2 or 3 people there, "I can't keep going to school AND work, it's just not working." Then one of the people said, "Why are you still here going to classes? How long ago did you get your diploma and graduate?" In the dream I went to answer that it'd been about 5, no wait, 10, 15? Oh my gosh! it'd been 20 years and I was still hanging around the school halls. The realization hit me IN MY DREAM that it was time to stop trying to hide by being in the the safe role of a student. It was time to enter the bigger world (work) and become the teacher. When I woke up, I immediately knew what it meant. I'd been hiding for years worried I wasn't good enough (must be that Type A, overachiever personality). It's time to step out in faith and trust God to give me the students, the wisdom, the discernment and the encouragement to help His children. I have a new peace about it. Instead of being stressed over the demands on me, I welcome the chance to serve God...and now those precious souls seeking answers are coming to me almost daily for advice. In His Service, I humbly accept my role, and my purpose.

Where does the counselor find counsel?

I spent half my life not caring deeply for hardly anyone. I learned at an early age to just shut off my feelings. That way I couldn't be hurt, or deal with other people's problems. Then Jesus found me and everything changed.

I have been blessed with the most wonderful friends and acquaintances, I would do anything for them. The problem is that when they hurt, I hurt. I prayed for so long for wisdom and discernment, in fact, it's one of my top 3 Spiritual gifts (along with Teaching and Encouragement)...so now I'm an unofficial counselor. I don't mind. People need real answers that have practical application, and I love to share the wonderful things God's done in my life, especially if it helps someone else.

But I think I'm at a point where I need backup, or renewing my mind, or stealing away to be alone with my Father like Jesus did on stressful days of counseling, sharing, listening, teaching and healing.

No, I absolutely do NOT think I'm Jesus-like. In fact, I humbly know just how far from that I really am. I know more of my faults than anyone, but if Jesus is my example, how do I follow Him and do what he did to recharge, rest and recover?

What do I let go of? The homeschooling? Can't do that. The Bible Study? that keeps me sane. The 2 classes my kids have? That's not right, they have people counting on them being there too and I want to teach them to be a good teammate. My son's small group bible study? No, he needs that comeraderie from other teen boys his age and a mentor like the group leader he's got there. So what do I do?

I need to find a way to unplug, even if for just a few hours. I need nature. I need my favorite worship songs. I need my Bible. I need my Father. Hmmm...sounds like a private picnic for two?

Do You Have Any Experience?

When you start a new job, what does your potential boss always ask? "Do you have any experience?" They want to know where you've been, what you've done, what's been accomplished through you, or else, what will you need to learn before you can perform the tasks ahead?

So in our Christian Walk, every day, every week, every month, every year, it's a new journey. Sometimes an adventure, sometimes a battle. And now the same question, "Do you have any experience?"

Has God answered the prayers of you or those you know?

Have you seen His goodness unfold in your life?

Have you seen the proof of what he can create?

Has He changed you from the way you were when you found Him?

Has your relationship with Him and His Son grown?

Do you find yourself with a new best friend who'll never let you down?

Then you probably already have all the experience you need to move forward, allow God to use you and share your faith with someone who needs it. Enjoy the journey.

We're all so uniquely different.

As I've been on my latest journey to improve myself, I'm really paying attention to my friends. I figure, God put them in my life for a reason - so they have lots they can teach to help me become a better person.

Mrs. C is so wonderful at not being judgemental of others. I know I'm a better person because of what I've learned from her.

Mrs. T has really shown me what an every single day walk with the Lord looks like. I've put my trust in God so much more since I met her.

Mrs. S is just so much fun to be with. When others are complaining and dealing out their victim mentality, she's a breath of fresh air. She ignores the daily suffering she has and chooses instead to smile, laugh, take things one day at a time, and enjoy the moment. I need more of that!

Mrs. L is so humble. It's never "about her". She's got a heart for others, a warm smile, and you feel like the two of you are the only ones in the room when she talks to you.

Mrs. M is a warrior for Christ. She's stepped way beyond the boundaries of her comfort zone to bring the good news of Jesus to others around the world. Talking with her is like reading an adventure novel by my favorite author!

Mr. T has taught me about foundational values. His are not compromised, even at his own loss. He's taught me to do what's right above all else.

Mr. J has made me believe that ANYONE can change if they just open the door to God a tiny crack - and now Mr. J. spends his life serving others.

Mrs. J is the best friend anyone could ask for. She's the most amazing listener I've ever met, and her heart is always there to help her friends and family.

Mrs. A is forever there to help those in need, with amazing patience.

Mrs. J (another one) is strong, and smart, and organized, and lets me know that being task-oriented is okay if that's how God designed me to be.

Mrs. P has a special place in my heart with Mrs. R, and for the same reasons. They both live a life dedicated to God and serve as my two spiritual mentors. I run things by them and ask for their insight and they've never steered me wrong yet. I can't imagine my world without them.

Thank you God for the people you've brought into my circle. I'm so blessed by them, and in time, I hope to bless others the way they do for me.

Financial Disaster Ahead?

As I was going through my prayer journal this morning, lifting up family, friends and others in prayer, I noticed something. Many of the people on my list are in a time of financial difficulty. There's been layoffs, jobs eliminated, companies bought out with massive firings, illegal practices making for an unreasonable work environment, unexpected events that drained their accounts, there's so much going on in this area right now.

I turned over all money-related stress and worry to God around 2002. The paycheck is what it is, and it will be enough. If it isn't, then we'll do the best we can til it's better. The hard part is that a budget just isn't possible with a husband on straight commission and it varies HUGELY from week to week...but we're thankful for what we have: a job to go to, freedom for me to stay home and teach and raise our children, a small but affordable place to live, a neighborhood that isn't great, but it's safer than so many others, we have groceries in the house (at least til the two boys go through the kitchen), and a strong marriage based on honesty and trust.

With rising mortgages, rising taxes, foreclosures, bankruptcies, and all the signs of a coming nationwide depression in the near future, it's time to pray for what we need, work for what we can, and be thankful for all we don't have going on in our lives.

Don't forget to pray for your loved ones too! Our consumerism and materialism is about to be attacked until we're humbled as a nation. When the world is in a pit of despair, know that the way out of the pit is by focusing upward on God and His principles for success.

May God keep you safe in His arms.

Ladies, you need to try this!

Last night I had an unexpected call from a friend asking if we could do something together. I was in the mood for something girly, something I love to do, and I'd been looking for a gift for her that week anyway...know what we did?

We went to have "full English tea" at my favorite tea house, I had the kiwi pear green tea, she had the berry mint iced tea. We had a 3-tier tray with tea sandwiches, ginger apricot scones, and assorted dainty desserts. Oh My Gosh!!! What an amazing experience it is. The place is full of pink lacy things, shiny silver danglies, and teas in every flavor you can imagine - even a pineapple guava white tea!

I don't do much for myself very often - and most women don't. We plan little gifts and surprises for our friends and family, but what do we do for ourselves? What do you do? I'm not a bubble bath person, I don't enjoy shopping for new clothes, I'm not a shoe or purse person, I have dozens of perfume that I never wear (almost all were gifts), I don't do much jewelry, I can't do special desserts from a bakery with 3 kids playing Food Police, "what do you have? can we have some?" So what else is there?

Imagine this, a quiet, tasteful, healthy, small-portioned but delicious lunch, accompanied by a ceramic tea pot of exquisite tea picked out by you, on a table with REAL tablecloths, napkins encircled in ribbon, lace doilies, real china plates, a floral centerpiece, gentle lighting, pink, white and soft green walls, girly sale items surround you, and next to you - a dear friend to share it all with. No cell phones - no loud beer drinkers - no take out containers - no lame music overhead. Just wonderful women with good manners all there for a 1 to 2 hour break from the hectic pace of reality.

Is that what heaven will be like? I hope so.

Today was a very good day!

It doesn't take much to make it a good day for me, my needs are simple...I'm very task oriented, so if everything gets done on time, and my kids follow my plan for the day, it's a very good day, but today felt different...
I woke up with a God-worshipping song. I don't know the song, just a few lines, but they repeated over and over in my head and I felt like I was gaining strength with each repetition. Then I got to my bible study without hitting any traffic on the 101 at 8:45! I got there and was greeted by my pastor's wife's big smile. She never seemed to know who I was for 4 years, yet all of a sudden, she says HI to me by name. She asked how study was going and without thinking, I couldn't say enough. The women there are so special, and we just feel and know God's presence is among us and our conversations there. It's a close knit group, even with the many new faces joining us this summer. On the drive home, I felt such a calm peace - in spite of the fact that I schedule myself to be IN study til 11am in N. Scottsdale and IN Chandler teaching Spanish at 11:45am. When I stopped at home to pickup the kids, they had done all their chores and completed the writing assignment I gave them yesterday - and it's not even due til tomorrow! I had a fun Spanish class, window-shopped for a friend (didn't find what I wanted to get her) and drove home from my son's drama class without traffic. My husband gets out of work at 3pm instead of 8 tonight, we didn't expect that but he says he's out early every other Tues. at this new job. We're going to take full advantage of this and go see Pirates of the Carribean 3: At World's End, it's playing down the street at the discount theater - all seats just $2.

After sharing such a dark cloud last time, I just had to share this wonderful day with anyone who's willing to read this blog.

Now it's time to settle down, give God thanks and praise for today, and buckle down to prayer for my friends and family so they get a bright spot like I had today too!

A month of spiritual battles all around us...

It feels like we've had a month of spiritual battles all around us. Not so much in our home, but we see it in our friends, family and acquaintances. Something's brewing and I feel a strong need to prepare for battle on their behalf.
I have seasons of my life where I am a strong prayer warrior for others, and other seasons where I feel I have to just throw my hands up and cry out to God, "the problem's too big! I'm emotionally spent!" Ever feel like that?
In the last month, our circle has seen breast cancer, husbands losing jobs, and therefore causing over-stressed, scared wives without answers, we've seen health issues, addictions choking the life out of a marriage, aging relatives stuggling with deteriorating bodies but their minds are still strong, the enemy coming between spouses with anger and hurt, the media infiltrating our homes and taking over the minds of children and adults everywhere, heartless people rejecting a baby because it's born with defects, gossiping and rumours destroying good people's reputation, greed growing stronger in the business world, selfishness to the detriment of children, spouses and family, the list is never ending...
It's time to put on the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10 - 18) and become warriors for Christ, defending our brothers and sisters when they become fatigued in the battle. I can't do this alone, but if we all band together, we can take this ground in the name of Christ, break through all of the enemy's strongholds and unravel his schemes and plans for destruction! All it takes is time in prayer for those we love.

Will you stand with me for our loved ones?

I love my friends!

The best gift we're given in this world, besides salvation, are the friends that are brought into our lives. It's been an amazing 4 years since we've moved 3000 miles away from everyone and everything we've ever known to come here. We've been through so much: losing our life's savings during the drive out here from people's lack of integrity and the stock market, jobs where honesty and character are signs of weakness, having the spawn of satan and her 4 bullying kids move in with the guy next door to us, having our kids beat up regularly for a year out of the jealousy and anger of others', bosses using extortion to rob from their employees (my husband), companies we depend on casting off generations of values for their own greed, not to mention trying to be a positive influence while working 40 hours a week or more as my kids' mother AND teacher, dealing with a husband's depression and self-pity, getting through each day with an auto-immune disease that has no cause and no cure, just lots of symptoms and a name, dealing with an alcoholic husband, finding out my husband's secrets threatened to tear my family apart, have I left anything out?

All that to say this, I love my friends. Practically since we got here, God's surrounded me with the warmest, kindest, most caring and loving friends I could've ever imagined. They have listened when I needed to unload, sat quiet with me when I needed to be still, been supportive when I felt like giving up, cheered me up when I felt lonely, prayed over me when I cried, and have said more with their eyes than I feel I deserve. I feel the spirit of Christ in each and every one of them.

Just last night, we had friends here and you know my favorite part? The time during a game when no one was speaking - and it wasn't awkward, it was comfortable. I had a moment of total joy in the middle of what (to the untrained eye) would've seemed like a regular, everyday occurance to anyone else. I'm so blessed. And I will praise God forever for the friends he's given me.

I'll find our "groove" eventually...

Ok, so here I am, just 4 days into the new schoolyear with my 3 kids and not one day has been like the next! The first day, some classes needed more than the anticipated time I'd planned, some were shorter than expected, some will need to be rearranged so we don't have one kid finished, one almost done, and one needs another half hour. It's very frustrating orchestrating this. And we haven't even added dance class or sports practices yet.

I know if I handle this with just my organization skills, I can find a schedule that works okay, but the joy will be gone, everyone will feel stressed out, and we'll lose the beauty and freedom of homeschooling. So what else can I do?

I'm going to do a few things:

1. First, I'm going to take a deep breath and remember what I learned from reading John Ortberg's book, The Life You've Always Wanted; slow down, don't live a life of "rushing" because it'll put me in the opposite direction from what I really want, which is peace and time to just be with God in little moments throughout my day. To NOT trade best for just good.

2. Second, I'm going to pray. God can organize and orchestrate the entire planet from the beginning of time through the end of time, so He probably could offer me some good advice. I've looked for mentors in my life, and they're hard to come by - so I lean on the advice I get from the Bible, and from God in my quiet time (such that it is).

3. Third, I'm going to ask my kids for their opinions. I want them to have the time they need to put forth their best effort, and not feel bored by time wasted through my imperfect scheduling.

4. Fourth and last, I'm going to take my time on Saturday to really figure out what's important, and remember what I really want each child to gain from each class. I'll arrange things so that a character trait or important lesson or moment of inspiration won't be lost. I'm going to remember that we don't have to have a set schedule. It can be flexible. And if I figure out how to co-ordinate what class to run at the same time as two others so that their ending times are pretty close, we'll find our "groove".

We're about to begin a new school year...

This time of year is exciting for me. We'll be starting school soon. I love using new books, new supplies, a fresh start and hope for a great year. This year I'm teaching 8th, 6th and 4th, with very few classes where the kids can do work together. 10 class periods, with 3 classes going on per period, or 30 classes a day! (Okay, really it's 28, but still!)
I hope this year is a good year for Adam where he feels he's really pulled ahead of Logan. After years of having classes together, he got frustrated thinking either he was 2 grades behind, or his little brother was as smart as he was. This year, he's got some serious classes that Logan won't tackle for at least another 2 years.
My hope for Logan is that he settles down and begins to mature. He's got a Critical Thinking class this year, like a logic class, that I hope will help him learn to think before he speaks - or at least stop saying dumb things that get his father frustrated.
Jordan will have the hardest year of all, I think. She's been pretty lazy the last few years - expecting me to do her work for her, but this year, it's all up to her and she'll have to really try to pass. The tests are standardized and not from me so I can't be objective at all. That'll be a big help. She's smarter than she knows. Maybe this year she'll find that out?
Tim's in the middle of a new job change, in fact he's at an interview right now. We have no idea what the pay will be like, what hours or days he'll work, or any of the many factors we'll have to consider. We just pray for God to guide us to the best choice.
As for me, I can't wait to get started. I feel less rushed this year, yet somehow, a part of me is ready to panic because I'm not rushed, feeling like I must be forgetting something. I think I'm still trying to get back into the swing of things after an almost 10 day vacation.
Here's where I turn it all over to God and pray for wisdom and discernment to make the best choices for all of us. If I do, I know it'll all work out for the best.
Enjoy your day.

Family

Well, we're all back from vacation. We had a great time in Utah, then spent a few days visiting with my husband's family before coming home. We spent time with his parents, grandparents, 2 uncles, an aunt, his cousin and her husband, their 2 kids, their nephew, and another of Tim's cousins. I've known them for years, so it was very comfortable for me, and my kids enjoyed spending time with kids from 2 - 18 that they never get to see. Three of them they met for the first time - all from CA.
I love listening to the stories, the heritage, the ancestors' lives, and seeing who looks like or acts like who else in the family. It made me really miss my own family. My family are in MA, FL, GA, AK, and TX. Next year, one of my sisters is getting married so we'll be together then. I'm looking forward to my kids meeting their cousins (my cousins and their kids).
Now to relate this to my faith...

Just as we get lonely for family, I imagine God too misses us when we aren't "close to Him". I know he's always there, always with us, always watching, but would it be any fun for us if our relatives were there but invisible and silent? It's the conversations together that keep us close, and I'm sure God enjoys that one-on-one time with us too. Today I'm going to try really hard to talk with Him throughout the day - I miss my Father and it's time I planned a visit with Him.

Pre-Vacation Hopes:

Next week we go on our family vacation, although it's more of a business trip for us. We have to be in a weekend long convention Fri night through Sun. afternoon in St. George, Utah, so we're adding a few days before and after, bringing the kids and trying to make it somewhat fun for them. It's been a tough year in sales, especially as a single-income family, so there's no extra money for a real relaxing vacation - so we make due with what we have instead of charging what we can't afford.

We plan on leaving Wednesday to spend a night with Tim's parents and grandparents up in the mountains. We'll leave the next morning for Utah but we're taking the longer route to drive the kids through Zion National Park. (Hope #1: The kids will appreciate our efforts and wonder at what God built, the beauty of something natural, with breathtaking views.)

Once in St. George on Thursday night, we'll relax, enjoy breakfast at the hotel, swim a little, maybe sightsee, and if we're lucky, my daughter and I will get our hair done (it's a birthday gift to her and I need it for the evening's event). (Hope #2: The kids will realize we spent the day with them so they aren't feeling neglected when we're in an all-day seminar on Saturday.) and while we're on the subject, (Hope #3: The kids won't fight or be noisy in the hotel room while we're in the seminar 3 miles down the road Saturday).

Saturday we'll get a break so we can bring the kids some food and check in on them. They've done this before (well, mostly just the boys) so I think they'll be fine. Our oldest is a great sitter.

Sunday morning we'll have breakfast with them and bring them to the worship service at our convention. They always provide one so we don't have to miss a week. The kids know some people there so I think they'll enjoy it.

Sunday afternoon, we'll be back at the hotel by 4:30 and we're spending the night, so we can hang out with the kids by the pool to get them out of the room and into some fresh air. Maybe dinner will be at some nearby cute little place.

Monday morning after breakfast, we don't have to be home until Friday around noontime, so we'll either spend it back at their grandparents' house, or come back home early and do fun stuff in town with them.

(Hope #4: My last and final hope is that we all come back feeling a bit closer and more relaxed.)

I bet God has days like these...

I have such a hard time with my "middle child". He's been a different kid for about the last 6 months. He used to be so loving, so eager to please, so warm and friendly, but lately he's just ANGRY !

I tell him not to do something and he deliberately disobeys - and even preceeds his statements with, "I already know I'm grounded, but it's worth it..." Since when is punishment a choice instead of a consequence of disobedience? Honoring his mother and father has gone out the window these days and I don't really know how to fix it.

Then it hits me - I bet God has days like these. He tells us the family rules and we choose to disobey just about every day. We know we should love others unconditionally, speak only words that build others up, don't touch forbidden things, be a good steward of what we've been given, and not complain about what we don't have. Yet, every day we also break our Father's rules, don't we? At least, I know I do.

As exasperated as I feel after a verbal bout with Middle Child, I bet God also gets frustrated with us. I'm sure He asks Himself why we can't just obey and be thankful for what we DO have.
I think maybe that's why we're given children, to understand our relationship with God in a real way.

So, if it helps me relate to my Father, and understand what He goes through with me, then I guess the learning experience is worth the struggles on the journey.

An Unhurried Life: The Practice of Slowing

I'm currently studying John Ortberg's book The Life You've Always Wanted. Chapter 5 really caught my attention. Just think, to have an Unhurried Life! In 2007 there's so much guilt associated with not hurrying, like if we don't, we're wasting our life and the time we have left. John asked his friend what he needed to do to be spiritually healthy and the answer was one of my favorite quotes, "You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life."
When I read that I looked up from the book to see if he was somewhere watching me! We become so distracted and rushed and preoccupied that we don't make time for God, or prayer, or giving thanks, or especially reading His Word. When I'm hurried and distracted, I know the very first thing to go is my time with God, yet if you asked me, I'd tell you it's what's MOST important to me. I think many of us are like that, so what can we do about it?
The answer is to just slow down. Rushing isn't the answer - that just leads to forgetting things, doing a sloppy job, being short-tempered, and sometimes...speeding tickets. With the way we're always rushing, you'd think we'd end up with hours of spare time left over, but do we? No, we never do, so now we're just as busy, still out of time, and we're further from God than we know we should be. So how do we discipline ourselves not to rush?
Like any discipline, it takes practice until it becomes a habit. Step 1 is to practice slowing, we could put ourselves in a position throughout the day that makes us wait - in the longer grocery line, not zigzagging in and out of traffic to pass everyone and be first, to take time to do a job right instead of just fast.
Step 2 is to practice solitude. If it's not part of my day normally, then I'll start with 5 minutes a day. First or Last thing of the day works best. Just take 5 minutes to be still (not easy for my dominating, task-oriented personality). Close your eyes, take a deep breath or two, say hello to God, review your day with Him. Ask for forgiveness where you failed, ask Him to help with your struggles, thank Him for the blessings He's given you, and ask for guidance to do what you should be doing - and to forget about the rest of unnecessary things that aren't in our control anyway.
Try it for a week and see if it makes a difference. I'm going to. I'll let you know how it went.

I love to read.

This summer I've had a very rare blessing - I had 3 weeks with no kids! I filled that time with reading voraciously. I love to read but never get the chance because I usually only have time to read what the kids are reading for school, since I'm the teacher.
I read business how-to books, Sidney Poitier's biography "The Measure of a Man", the latest Francine Rivers book "The Scribe" about the life of Silas, and although the kids are back, I'm trying to devote time every day to continue reading for me - at least until school starts back up in 6 or 7 weeks.
I don't normally like fiction because I hate "romance" stories, I'm just not wired that way, but I absolutely love Scottish fiction stories and will even put up with the romance junk to be able to read about life in Scotland in the late 1700s to late 1800s, especially concerning it's leadership in regards to England.
I'm currently half way through "Kilgannon" by Kathleen Givens. I found her books advertised in a magazine I picked up for the first time called Scottish Life. The library had it, so I got that and the second one in the series "The Wild Rose of Kilgannon". The odd thing is that reading the way the main character, and falls in love with the Scot is opening up a new mindset for me in my faith.
I always hear song lyrics and speakers talking about falling in love with Jesus and I have to tell you, that seems strange and almost irreverent to me. Like it should be a respect for authority thing and not a heart thing. But as I read this book, I see how she's attracted to his thinking, the things he says, the equality he gives her with other men, how his heart longs to please her, always promising that her life will always be as she wishes, (in other words, if there's any major changes it's because SHE wished it, not him making her decisions for her), and especially how he cares for and protects those he loves, as well as those he cares for as chieftan of his MacGannon clan.
As I read this, I begin to wonder if I've been reading the New Testament all wrong. I read non-fiction in most cases, all head - no heart. The same way I probably read about Jesus. Now I wonder how different Jesus would seem if I paid attention to the way he spoke, the things he said, read about his story as if I was picturing myself there like in a fiction novel, noting when he spoke, when he retreated, when he prayed, how he taught, but really focused on how he loved. Granted there wasn't a lot of touching and caressing like in most fiction stories, but isn't a gentle touch on the head while producing healing just as impactful? Wasn't it human-like to need to get away from it all to be alone with his Father? What about the love he still showed for humanity as he was in agony on the cross, hoping death would come soon, yet still asking for their forgiveness with his last breaths? That's dramatic! That's touching! That's captivating! He knew ahead of time what he'd have to endure but he CHOSE to trade his life for our sake, would you do the same? I don't think I could when you really get down to it. I think for the first time I really see what those lyrics and scriptures mean when they call Jesus their "lover" and us his "bride". I think I have some more reading to do.......

A day in the life of me...

I'm enjoying taking the summer off from activities - but I'm already dreading my schedule once the new school year starts. I'm homeschooling an 8th, 6th and 4th grader this year - all at the same time. We'll be working Mon & Wed. - Fri. from 9am til about 2pm. That's 10 classes each, times 3 kids, or 30 classes a day! Why don't we work on Tuesdays? Because that's my weekly Ladies' Bible Study morning, I'm teaching a Co-Op 30 miles away right after that, then my oldest has his drama lessons. The other two will be busy with flag football, ballet and soccer, but on Tuesday afternoons, we'll spend time at the parks and stores near drama class. It'll be that way until Christmas.
I have a friend who's just starting to homeschool this year, her daughter's the same age as mine so we'll add a third girl their age from church and do a monthly writing co-op. I wonder if I take on too much sometimes, and I have my days where my auto-immune disease makes me VERY tired, but it's times like that I have to stop and ask myself what's really important? As busy as I often make my weeks, I also have a goal to change the world. I thought it was only by raising up Godly leaders in my three children, but lately I think it's more likely that I'll expand by one family or one household at a time.
Tim's business he's growing on the internet just may be the forum I (or we) need to help re-educate America. The last 4 years living here have brought us through so many struggles and so many challenges, but we've learned from these experiences and I believe we really can make a difference in helping other people get through what we've gone through. Tim and I shared our deepest secrets and hurts not too long ago with our very closest friends and the first response we got was "someday you're going to share that story in front of a large audience". When I heard our friends say that to us, it's like a light in my heart went on for the first (and last) time - I really want to be able to help others. We just need the opportunity to do that outside of our usual circumstances. I'll just work on preparing my heart, mind and faith in the meantime so that when God brings the opportunity to share, I'll be ready to serve Him.

I thought the well was dry...

I haven't been inspired to write a new devotional in over a year, so I figured the well dried up and figured I'd gotten too far away from God somehow to hear Him. Now He has a new season of life for me. I homeschool my 3 kids and I'm inspired to write a Genesis curriculum for them. Sure I could buy one, but this makes ME dig deeper into it, to get all the excitement out of His Word. When I'm done, I'm going to create an adult version - my Ladies' Bible Study at church has agreed they want to play "guinea pig" when I'm done to test it out, find the errors, and the spots I should expound upon. I'm so excited whenever I get the priviledge of writing ANYTHING that I know is God-inspired. The strange part is that I have absolutely NO desire to work on it without inspiration. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Through the Looking Glass

Have you ever felt like Alice through the looking glass? You know what I mean...you wake up one day and wonder, "where am I? why am I here? this isn't where I was headed so how'd I end up here?" That happens to all of us at one time or another. Sometimes it's a stack of bills that gets your attention. Other times, it might be a rut at work that brings those questions to mind. Sometimes it's a frustrating day when you feel like you're giving up 40 hours a week of free time by keeping your kids home and they don't appreciate it one bit.

The Looking Glass is a world where, if you look where you started out, it wouldn't make any sense at all. I grew up outside of Boston, working in advertising. In just 15 short years, I found myself a stay-at-home homeschooling mother of 3, living in NH, on a fixed income that seemed to be fixed just below what was needed. Like Alice, I wondered how that had happened. I had plans of living in a brownstone on Copley Square, hanging out at the real "Cheers" down the street, driving a sports car and maybe, just maybe, I'd find an adventurous outdoorsy type of husband who would whisk me off to an adventure on the weekends. But God had other plans...(truth be told, I did get the outdoorsy man of my dreams).

Once upon a time there was a man who had it all. He grew up 2nd in line to the throne of a huge nation. He had the best of everything, until one day, he realized he'd been adopted. Suddenly, everything he thought he knew was wrong. He was a poor son, to a poor family, that belonged to the lowest class of people in this same nation. Now he didn't fit in either class. In a short time, he found himself wandering in the backside of the desert tending unruly sheep. His name was Moses. And I would guess that he also fell through The Looking Glass wondering what had happened? why was he born? what greatness could he possibly contribute to the world being a shepherd? what real difference did his life as a shepherd make in the grand scheme of things? But again, God had other plans...

You too have a story. You began with hopes and dreams. Maybe you were one of the fortunate to hear God's calling early and you've followed the path He's led you down all along. But maybe, just maybe, you too are in The Looking Glass. If not, I would bet someone you know and love is.

My message is just a reminder that what seems like the wrong path may really be God preparing you for something great, you just don't know it yet. I've seen God do amazing things through people who never felt they could do it. The very thing you may be fighting or dealing with now might be the strengthening and refining of the Master's fire. Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (NIV)

Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,
Sometimes this life is frustrating. We feel like we're running around in circles and accomplishing nothing. We wonder what happened to the exciting life we thought we were working towards. We pray now that you'd help us take a step back and remember that no matter whatever journey we're on, You're the one in control of it. We trust You to guide us,
and to light the right path for us, even if it's different from what our worldly nature seeks. Our most important goal is to run the race YOU'VE prepared for us. We seek only to do Your will, and we pray that You'll walk beside us to the finish line.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen

Would You Do That If Your Father Was Here?

I often find myself asking that question to my children when they argue in the grocery store, make excuses for their behavior, or when they say something selfish or disrespectful. Don't get me wrong, their very well-behaved children, but they are still children. There are things they say and do in the familiarity of my presence that they just don't happen in front of their father, grandfather, Sunday School teacher, sports coach, drama director, dance instructor or karate sensei. The last time I asked this question, something hit me like a ton of bricks...I too am a child (of God) and I too misbehave (sin) in front of my Father (in Heaven). And like a child, I probably wouldn't behave that way if I remembered He's standing right there seeing and hearing what I'm doing. What a tough realization that was! Can you imagine?
Have you ever not treated someone the way Jesus would treat them? Luke 6:31 says "treat others the same way you want them to treat you". That's what our Father expects of His children.
Have you ever been angry or stressed and snapped at someone who really didn't deserve it? Matthew 5: 23 - 24 says "Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering." Our Heavenly Father expects us not to fight with others, and also to forgive.
Have you ever been anxious and worried over a situation instead of trusting it to God and letting go of it? Philippians 4:6 says, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." When we worry instead of trust, it's like telling our Father we're not sure we can trust Him to take care of us. (Don't our kids ask us, "are you sure?" when we tell them everything will work out fine?)
By the way, I've been found guilty as charged on all these counts and even a few more. How about you? Not once did I stop myself and think I had better not do that with my Father standing right there. If you forgot too, welcome back to childhood.
My husband always asks our kids, "Why did you do that if you know it's against the rules?" They have yet to find a good answer that saves them from being disciplined. What if God asked you that very question the next time you found yourself sinning? I know I'd probably have an answer similar to my kids, "I don't know...I guess I didn't think."
As a parent, we get frustrated, disappointed and sad when our children misbehave, and we don't like having to discipline them but we know we must to keep them on the correct path that leads to righteousness. But more importantly, we never stop loving them.
Our Father in Heaven was so smart to give us the opportunity to become parents so we can understand things from His perspective. I mess up just like the kids occasionally do, and when I realize I just did that in front of my Father, I need to be sorry. I need to decide to make better choices and strengthen my character. Knowing He still loves me is worth it all and He loves you without ceasing as well.
So the next time you get caught misbehaving in front of your (Heavenly) Father, do as we were instructed in Acts 3:19 "Therefore repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord;" Then you can be sure that you are forgiven, and loved unconditionally.

Dear Father,
We think we're so grown up, yet in your presence, we see we're still your children, regardless of age. We often go through life reacting to things and to other people without thinking. We want to show you our best and make you proud. What child doesn't want to impress their Father? We come to you now to apologize for the way we've been acting and the attitudes we've displayed that were not pleasing to you. We thank you and praise you for forgiving us through the sacrifice of your own son, Jesus, and for your Word that teaches us that you forget our sins once confessed, and always love us, even when we misbehave. We love you, too, and we'll try harder to be good next time.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen

Are You Playing Tennis with Satan?

The last few weeks have been spent thinking about temptation and thankfulness. We're all tempted by the things of this world, more money, bigger home, nicer car, sexual sin, gossip, keeping up appearances, even over-indulging (especially in this country). Have you ever wondered how we can feel so humble before God during worship and prayer, yet still fall prey to Satan's temptations? We have so much to be thankful for: shelter, food for our family, a little money in the bank, our health, a job, family, even air conditioning (remember, people lived in Phoenix before it was invented). So what more could we need?
Like a game of tennis, we stand on one side, often alone, trying to win under our own power. Satan stands on the other side, knowing the secret desires and fears we try to hide. He starts a conversation while he hits the tennis ball over to your side...
"wow, look at that______! ( expensive car/big house/good-looking co-worker/internet garbage)
"yeah, it's nice, I guess" (we easily hit the first tennis ball back)
"wouldn't it be nice to have that?" (he hits it a bit harder)
"well, I guess it could be fun to have, but I don't need it" (feeling pretty proud to have hit the ball back into his court?)
"but you deserve it, after all, you work hard, you're always doing things for everyone but yourself, and you have such a thankless job, no one appreciates you" (now the ball really picks up speed and you didn't even notice)
"yeah, I guess I do kind of deserve it, don't I?" (did you just have to run to the other side of the court for that?)
"of course you do! I mean, after all, so-and-so has one and you're better than him/her" (notice the speed! you aren't even paying attention to what's really happening in the game!)
"I know, after all, I never do/say the things that person does, I'm pretty good compared to them" (now you're scrambling all over the court just to stay in the game)
"you shouldn't feel guilty, everyone does it/has it" (ooh, he made that shot seem easy to build your confidence and keep you in the game)
"yeah, so-and-so is a good person and they have one/do that" (feeling pretty proud? bet you didn't even realize he made it easy to hit so you'd keep playing)
"so go get it - someone's got to treat you right, look out for number one, right?" (Here comes the one right at the line...WILL YOU CROSS IT?)

You're so invested in your own power and feelings now you forgot WHO you were playing tennis with!

You have two choices...
1) Give in to temptation - sure, it feels good for a little while, but then guilt sets in...
"I didn't really need that"
"I told myself I was going to do better at temptations like this"
"why did I do that?"
"now I feel guilty and worse than before I had/did it"

OR:

2) Call out to God. Tell him your frustration. Call to Him to pull you up from this losing battle. Ask Him to fight for you. Believe He wants to help you and free you from bondage to this cycle of behavior.

Prayer: "Lord, what am I thinking? I have so much already. In our human nature, we admire more and more but all we really NEED is you! Remove these thoughts that are tempting me. I know they aren't coming from you. I'd rather spend an eternity with you knowing I did all I could to please you, than to spend my life guilty over continued sin and failures. Nothing is too difficult for you, so I lay this in your Mighty Right Hand. Deliver me from what I was contemplating - send the right thoughts and feelings that I might be focused on you, not things, not greed, not ungrateful- ness. You gladly give me all I truly need. For all you're already given me, I take a moment to say thank you."

Remember that Satan is so tricky and sly that often we've given into temptation before we realize what we've done, but we can strive to do better. Every single day, every hour, every minute is a new opportunity to choose God's way over Satan's way. If we do this, we'll find ourselves back on the true path to righteousness.
Good luck on your journey,
and God Bless