A New Church, A New Adventure

One of the hardest parts about moving is having to find a new church. It was such a blessing to be reunited with my friends at Mountain Valley, that leaving them again was very difficult.

On top of that, we've moved to where most of the churches are LDS (Mormon) or Catholic. Nothing wrong with either of those, except that they're not in line with how I choose to worship. The non-denominational churches here are few and far between, and they're extremely small, some are held in single-wide trailers.

I was fortunate enough to have found White Mountain Bible Church online before we moved. I listened to a few of their sermons on the internet, read their beliefs, and checked out their bulletin for the types of things available and events they host. It may be the closest thing to a fit for our family.

We took a while to get acclimated before going to check it out in person. (Actually, we went there at Christmas while visiting up here but that doesn't count, it's not a "normal" service.) We've been watching MVC's online videos in the meantime.

Anyway, 2 weeks ago there was an elder giving the sermon. Last week the brand new speaking pastor there made his debut - and he's from Scottsdale Bible! Practically neighbors of MVC and the same church that hosted many of our Eastside Explorers homeschool group's events. Pastor Randy and his wife Tammy are in the same transition and "culture shock" that we are, so we may turn out to become good friends. Once the fall starts, the Sunday school classes for both kids and adults will be starting back up. Hopefully the boys will find friends in the teen group there. Jordan should find friends among all the pre-teen girls we've seen there already.

The message was challenging and they aren't a seeker church. Their intent is to grow and equip Christ followers to go into the world and make a positive difference in humility. It may turn out to be great for us at this point in our adventure. I don't think I can take Tues. mornings off for a Ladies Bible Study this year, but we're starting a small group here at the house around Sept. (at least that's the plan). We'll see how that goes too.

This coming Sunday, we'll be blessed to be among our church family at Mountain Valley once again while in the Phoenix area. It's always good to come home.

Choices

Choices...they can be so difficult sometimes. Someone dear to me made a decision today that either way, would affect the rest of her life. One choice may lead to a lifetime of happiness, or condemn her to pain and suffering. The other may spare her hurt later on, but she may be plagued with "what if" for the rest of her life - or it may turn out to be the lesser of two evils. It's so hard to choose the right path when neither seems like a great choice.

Not only do I hurt for her, but even worse, I can relate to what she's dealing with. I had a similar experience recently and it tore me up inside. If I take path 1, the logical decision, I may be doomed to a lifetime of reliving the same hurts over and over. If I take path 2, the emotional choice, THAT pain may be even worse and ultimately, will turn out to be the worst choice.

How do you know? What do you do? Unfortunately, the one suffering today doesn't have a relationship with Jesus, so she doesn't have that small still voice, that "intuition", that gentle nudging from the Holy Spirit to guide her. It's days like this that I stop and realize how thankful I am for my faith. Without it, life would be such a mess for me. I would act more impulsively. I may retaliate and hurt someone else and go "too far". Usually, people who act without thinking or wisdom end up leaving a trail of disaster (and hurt people) in their wake. I don't want to be like that. I try time and time again to help my dear one understand what Jesus has to offer, but she doesn't want to listen...so I'm not sure how to help except to pray for her, her situation, and those involved.

I also realized today just how different I've become because of my faith. I probably would've made the same decision she did today had I not had my faith to guide me. I came so close. And it would've been so awful. And every day I hope and pray that I made the right choice, that I'll never have to go through the pain again that caused that crossroads. Knowing God has a plan for my life, a purpose in all of it, and that He loves me even when I can't see it - it keeps me going, on the right path, growing and learning every day.

I pray the rewards of a good choice are what I'll find at the end of the path I chose. And I pray the same for the one who hurts so badly tonight that I also love so much.

I'm so blessed even amidst a crisis.

Here we are, under the most financial stress we've ever endured. Many of our friends and family are under those same pressures, but God is really keeping us safe and protected through this. I see couples at the end of their rope with each other (it's really money pressure they're stressed with, not each other). I see people losing their homes wondering where they'll stay. I hear stories of families having to live long-term in their RVs or even their cars, with no idea if/when they'll be able to get into real shelter.

God has arranged things so that many blessings are coming from this. We'll be moving out of the city and into a place where we can focus on our family instead of a crazy (sales) work schedule, we'll all have more room after being so cramped in 1000sf for so long with no yard. We'll be able to finally have meals together as a family. We'll be able to breath fresh, clean air, drink clean water and help Tim's parents grow an organic garden (I hope). We're actually taking a giant step forward in this whole process, and I think it'll be great for the kids to be so close to their grandparents.

Moving with a few months of expenses saved up, we'll be able to explore the option for Tim to start his own business so he can control his own schedule. We're thinking maybe a computer consultant, but we'll see.

All I know, is that this COULD have been the worst thing to happen to us, but instead, God has provided a way, a place, the security, the right circumstances, the best timing, and He's got a plan for us. Not a plan to harm us, but plans for us to succeed. We're so blessed, even amidst a crisis.

Waiting for answers

What do you do when you're at a crossroads moment? We're about to make some major financial and life decisions that could either free us forever, or be the worst mistake in our lives. Trouble is, I don't know which is the right way to go.

I've prayed, I've paused to wait for God to answer me, and I've prayed for Him to direct Tim's decisions. I've learned that my job is to be supportive of my husband either way, and in obeying God's command regarding that, I can trust He'll handle the details from there.

I've also learned over the last 20 years when to listen to that voice inside that won't let me rest. If I'd listened to it all along, lots of things would be different. I sometimes make my concerns known, but I don't always act "loudly" enough that others change direction. It's a weird kind of thing, really. The way Tim & I describe it is that sometimes "I just know things". Call it discernent, maybe wisdom from God, maybe it's a spiritual gift of prophecy (others saw that in me WAY before I ever would have). All I know is that I've got a very restless spirit lately but I have to wait on answers, for God's timing, for Him to reveal His will and direction - through Tim, not me.

I'm all for waiting. I understand from experience that patience with God is a must. The hard part is knowing what my role is. I think our plans were purposely stalled to give us more time to think through the situation at hand. I just pray we're open to hear the advice we seek, even if it's opposite from what we think and can see for options.

I believe we were also given an amazing gift from above, but fear kept us from acting on it. I've heard many times that if you don't act on God's gifts, he'll take them away and give them to someone brave and courageous and trusting enough to use them. My biggest fear is that He's done that, and I pray for a second chance. I pray it's not too late to do something God purposed for us. This coupled with the other big decisions we're making is why I'm up typing this at 2:30 in the morning!

God has ALWAYS proven Himself to be faithful and trustworthy in the end. So for now, I continue to pray, be supportive of Tim during the decision-making process, and I'm waiting for answers.

Trusting God

Over the last 6 months or so, I've developed high blood pressure. Not just a little over the goal of 120/80. Not "pre-hypertension". Just full-blown, hypertension. I've had readings over 140/99! I've had lab work done. My cholesterol is perfect, my other numbers are well into the normal range, I have no other issues causing the hypertension except my constant state of stress. My pressure spikes at the drop of a hat lately, and my body can't get it to come down like it's supposed to. The first medication failed, so the doctor doubled the dosage and I felt like IT was going to kill me. I'm on prescription #3 in 60 days and still have unexplained spikes.

You know what I'm learning from it? To let go of things that maybe really were my responsibility before, but I'm trusting God to take care of it now.

I've had to trust God in spite of financial difficulties, trouble raising teenagers, having an already-full schedule but adding a part-time job anyway, stress from problems in the lives of friends and family that I care about, and so much more.

The lines of an old song about God are: You give and take away. Growing up in a house without faith, knowing only what a few years of Catholic training taught me, I thought that meant although God gives blessings, don't complain when you lose something he takes back/away. Now I'm finding a new meaning...Not only does He give blessings, but He's also powerful enough to take away - stress, problems, worry, unnecessary negative feelings, resentment over injustices, and so much more!

I recently read the book The Shack that came out a few years ago. It was a #1 best-seller, if you haven't heard of it. Some people loved it because the fictional story helps the reader understand God and His nature better. Others hated it because they felt it wasn't done in a way true to the Bible. I loved it. It's fiction, it's not supposed to be taken as literally the truth about God's nature from the Bible's evidence. Anyway, it really helped me see God as the loving Father who hurts when we, His children, are suffering. I understood that - logically, but when things weren't going right, I had a habit of thinking, "Ok, so what did I do wrong? Or what am I NOT doing, that God had to let this happen?" What a bad way to live.

I believe now, whole-heartedly, that God is just like us in our own parenting. We hurt when our kids get hurt. Although trusting God doesn't mean I won't have any problems anymore, it does mean that some will go away, some will still come but He'll see me through, and if worst comes to worst and I don't survive something, I'll still be comforted knowing I'll be delivered into His arms for all eternity.

Trust is about me letting go; remembering that this life and all its problems are temporary. It's about trusting that God has a plan, even if I can't see how it'll all work out. He's helping me find new answers - and hopefully this new path will help me lower my blood pressure by finally letting go of the stress of trying to manage it all.

Since the switch...

We made a decision about a week ago to return to our old church. My earlier posts from last year reveal just how devastated leaving was for me and how strongly I believed it was the wrong move - but I'm called to submit to Tim's leading for our household, and I believe it did help him grow in the mean time where maybe he wouldn't have without the change. Anyway, I firmly believe(d) that if we returned, so would God's blessings, something I've felt was removed for over a year and a half now since we left.

In just the past week, here's a list of blessings we've received:

-Tim was on a dry spell, not selling anything. He sold something the day we decided to go back to our old church.

- I ended up picking up extra shifts at work to help us provide a Christmas for our kids and to get last month's mortgage paid.

- Tim and I were able to discuss some things in our relationship that need changing and it was done in love, with understanding, and in agreement to work on them.

- I earned double what I expected on my extra shift this week.

- Tim and Adam haven't had a fight over anything since the decision was made. Adam's been more helpful, more respectful, and has restrained his attitudes. He's finally coming out of his dark funk of depression he's chosen to stay in for almost a year.

- People in our business are giving us more positive responses, people on our team are doing tastings without us now - we all just need to stay more consistent for results to kick in.

- I "found" an extra $70 in the checkbook I didn't realize we had.

- Something I wanted to get someone for a gift was too expensive, but they needed it, and I managed to be at the right place at the right time to find it for literally, ONE-FIFTH of its normal price.

- The joy and peace I've lived without for a year and a half has returned in full force!

- Lots of my stress-induced aches, pains and conditions are declining and/or have disappeared.

All this within a week or so of making the right decision to go where God wills us to be, for HIS purposes, to help others with gifts He's given us to build up His people.

Praise God for his mercy, forgiveness, love and elaborate giving. You can't out-give God!

What a Mighty God We Serve

Here I was all concerned about dealing with past issues...worried about being told "it's in the past, just let it go". God stepped in and created a safe environment to voice my thoughts, apologize for my own shortcomings and mistakes, and express my intent for a better future in certain relationships.

God protected the situation, kept things peaceful, gave me strength, softened the other people's hearts, and made it a positive outcome with His blessings.

What a mighty God we serve!

Dealing with the Past

What a week it's been. I've had lots of good things happen, I feel great new changes beginning to point me in the right direction, I'm finally on the right path again. However, I believe for this leg of my journey I'm going to have to deal with some stuff from the past.

We usually tend to keep things in, stuff them down, and hope they go away. Why do we all think that will work? Is it because we think we're "strong enough" to handle doing that? Is it something we were taught growing up? Is it our coping mechanism? Why don't we handle issues as they come, then move forward in a positive way? I know why...it's hard.

Jesus said if you're about to give your gift at the altar and remember there's something not right between you and your brother (or friend, or spouse, or sibling, or parent, etc.), then put down your offering, make amends, then return to give your best to God.

Doesn't it make more sense His way? When we hold onto past hurts, it does affect us, whether we'd like to admit it or not. We end up holding back our best from that person, or letting anger/hurt/resentment bother us when we're alone, or in the middle of the night. It affects our perception of the other person's motives. And we end up in worse shape than if we'd just handled it - good or bad. At least then it'd be over with, and you could put it behind you.

I'm finding I've got a few things that I need to fix. I know some of them are things I've said or done to others. (Believe me, the guilt on those is practically non-stop.) But a few are hurts I've encountered at the hands of others, too. I'm ready to be the best I can be, and do all I can to fix the future by dealing with the past. I don't have anger or hatred toward anyone at this point in my life. I've forgiven it all. I'm just ready to be useful to God and to do that, I believe I have to have a heart without resentment, or bad memories between others and myself.

With God's leading, and the love of Jesus, I know this too will be accomplished.

Recycling the Pain

This past weekend, we returned to our former church (where I'm still very actively involved). The message was called "Recycling the Pain". The message was about re-living past hurts and struggles because sharing your story with others will bring them hope, solutions, and help. Tim shared the struggles he/we faced 4 1/2 years ago. It wasn't easy to admit your sins in front of a few hundred people - but he was open, and honest, and gave God the credit for his 100% success in overcoming, and I'm so proud of him for that. All I had to do was explain how I felt as we went through it, and how God changed my perception to create a whole new future I never would've had today. I pray those who heard the message (or listen to it on the church's website) will be helped in some way by us re-living our worst season of life.

If I know you, and you want to hear it, leave me a message and I'll tell you where you can hear it. If I don't know you, just understand that you have things you've been through that can help others too...just be willing to share; you will be richly rewarded.

Be Careful...it knows what scares you.

This is a memorable line from a movie; I'm pretty sure it's from Poltergeist back in the early 80s. It still applies today.

Here I am, it's a typical Saturday. The kids are playing outside with friends, my oldest worked for most of the afternoon, Tim's at work, as usual, and I've finished housework and school planning for the week. I find myself sad, for no reason, so I go to God and ask why.

Without saying things I shouldn't here, let's just say that I hate Tim's job. I'm thankful he has one since we still need him to have one - and I'm thankful because there are worse ones out there than his - but I still hate it. We're going to miss church together tomorrow, just as we're in the process of trying to restructure our lives to purposefully put God at the center to get out of some bad circumstances. Out of the lots of stores he could be sent to tomorrow, he's at the one store I wish he didn't have to go to, ever. Because of a meeting, he'll even be there early and will work til closing.

I've prayed that we could eliminate his job with passive income for years, but it hasn't been willed for us just yet.

All that to say this...the enemy knows what scares you.

When you try to pray more, he makes things go wrong so you ask, "What's the use?"
When you try to do God's will, he causes old issues to pop up and distract you.
When you try to bring your family together, he'll cause a child to act out in a bad
way, or to get into trouble that requires attention and strife.
When you try to strengthen your marriage, he'll bring temptation and bad thoughts
to you or your spouse.
When you try to let go and trust God in all things, he'll harrass you with doubt and
fear and depression, until you feel sick to your stomach.
And when you're trying to make things in your life better, stronger, and holier,
he'll send you sadness, and bring up past hurts, disappointments, broken
trust, forgotten promises, and keep you replaying bad moments of the past.

That's when you need to run to God, run to the father, ask Him to hold you safe in His arms where the enemy can't touch you. That's when you need to pray for peace that surpasses all understanding. That's when you need to summon the power of Christ in you, deny the schemes of the enemy, acknowlege his lies, and demand he leave you.

Remember, in Christ, He's strong when you're weak. You've been given all authority over the enemy. You CAN defeat the enemy in the name of Christ.

I hope this helps someone besides me at their time of need.

A Wonderful Husband

Over the past 4 1/2 years, I've really seen my husband change for the better and I needed to share that. He quit drinking, quit some other serious bad habits, he no longer yells uncontrollably over little things, he's willing to talk reasonably with our teenagers, and he's becoming a more Godly man all the time. What made the change? He surrendered. He made the choice to surrender control, trust in the power of the Holy Spirit to deliver him through temptations, and he decided to let go of the control struggle over his life. He's a lot more laid back regarding God's handling our circumstances.

One of the things I'm really proud of right now is the way he's consuming great books both in print and on audio files & cds. He's putting good stuff in and getting good stuff out. He's growing in wisdom and maturity, and he's learning to be less selfish, less focused on being the center of everyone's world. He's making the important things really matter most. And I couldn't be more proud of him.

He's finally becoming the man I always knew he had inside of him - the one God created him to be...the leader of our home and our family that we've so desperately needed all these years...I can see it coming, and I really respect him for it.

Striving for the Center of His Will

This will be short and to the point. I've missed dwelling in the presence of my Father, at the center of His will for my life. I'm running back to find that place that He prepared for me. I know it'll look different than it did last time, but that's okay. I'm different now...not necessarily stronger - I'm not sure how much fight left I have in me, to be honest. I'm not stronger in my faith - I never doubted God's sovereignty in the last year's circumstances. I'm not more withdrawn, well, maybe I am. I'm concerned because He doesn't supercede our wills, and I'm afraid of another imposing their will on me.

All I know is that when I find that place, NOTHING will move me ever again. When I find "Home", I'm unpacking and staying for good. There's nothing in this world that can ever compare to the feeling when you're in the center of His will. I won't lose it again, and I'll get there again soon.

Books to Get Our Family Where We Belong

This summer I've had time to read for a change - and even Tim has been reading good, positive stuff too. Together we've decided there's a few books we'll be reading for us, and a few we'll incorporate by reading out loud and discussing as a family. We know what we want of and from our children, but don't always figure out how to get there. We're hoping these will help:

Tim's reading Boundaries in Marriage - one of my all-time favorite books
We'll both read Simon Says by Chuck Goetschel
We'll discuss as a family Do Hard Things by Alex & Brett Harris
We'll discuss as a family Leadership and Self-Deception by The Arbinger Institute

Our hope is to develop not only in our kids, but also in ourselves, a sense of getting past fears to do what needs to be done, to pursue our calling, to make the world a better place, and to take as many people with us on the journey as possible. Fear has stopped all of us long enough. It's our time to win.

Checking in...

It's not that I haven't been here to post. I just haven't found anything more important to say than the lessons I learned from the Boundaries in Marriage book.

Freedom in Boundaries

The last year has been really hard, but finally I've had a breakthrough. I'm sure I covered it all in previous posts, but the new part of the equation is Boundaries. I seeked counsel from someone I trust for Godly advice, and he's far enough from knowing me that he could still be objective if I was off base. He suggested a few things to help me heal and move forward, but also he suggested I read a book titled "Boundaries in Marriage".
This is a great book. It's not about putting up walls to shut others out, it's not about being stubborn about your own opinions, and it's not about setting boundaries to fix nor control others. It's simply a book about setting my own boundaries on my own actions, attitudes, behaviors, choices, actions, and reactions. The surprising thing is that instead of barriers to make me feel more confined, I'm finding that this is God's design, especially in marriage (which mine is better than most already), and I'm finding more freedom than I ever have before.
I'm still learning, and I have to check my true, deep-down motives before I set up a boundary - but I'm getting the hang of it. It's been very freeing and I think it'll be good for my husband too. It'll give him freedom to choose how he interacts without me without feeling like he picked the "wrong" choice, or feel guilty. Just as I'm in charge of myself, he'll be in control of himself, and we both can find freedom to choose the things we truly have charge over.
Last week, I was able to decide where I'm headed, and that I won't stop til I get there. I can once again aim for the center of God's will for my life. It may be a different place than it was the last time I found myself there. It may look strange compared to last time. But I CAN find it again and live my life intentionally, on purpose, free to pursue all God created me to be, serving where HE dictates. And now, nothing will be able to take it away from me.
For that, I thank my mentor in this situation, and I praise God for His wisdom and design for His children. And that He makes His will for my life known to me - then provides the help I need to get there.
I'm truly blessed...and I am FREE !!!!!

How do you find JOY again?

It's been a rough 12 months. I've had to do a bad job at homeschooling my kids for most of this school year, had to find a job with no qualifications, after finding the job it shut down unexpectedly, our finances are the worst they've been in years, our business is growing but a lot slower than it should be with the numbers of people we've got - they just aren't doing anything lately, my cousin's awaiting biopsy results the doctor wanted to discuss ASAP, we just lost Tim's grandmother, and the last 4 out of 4 mini-vacations I planned didn't happen. On top of that, I've been taken from my only secure place, my home church, and replanted to a new huge one where I don't know anyone and they aren't as friendly in practice as the head staff would like to think. The bible study I joined to fit in was not very organized or connected - to each other, nor the church as a whole. I'm ready for a vacation!

So how do I find that JOY again? That JOY that only comes from the Lord? I can deal with being contented with what I have, thankful for the little we do have, and appreciate the blessings I've already received, but it's not the same as true JOY.

I've gone through an extensive restart, a long, detailed confession, an on-my-knees begging for positive changes, and everything leads down a path of sorrow, fear or just plain inactivity. I don't know what else to do.

I pray for a renewing in my spirit. I've been asking for Jesus to speak to me - and for me to hear it. I feel like I'm in a box where I can see God moving around me, but I'm not allowed to participate in any of it.

My greatest JOY came from sharing with others (every week) all that God is, and does, and promises, and wants to do for us. I don't think I'll find that JOY again until I find a new forum to do that again. Praising Him was the only thing that really brought me JOY unlike anything else this world has to offer.

Lessons from Isaiah

I've read my bible many times before, but I guess I never read ALL of Isaiah. In January I read Isaiah and really got to know the heart of God. We are still living like the Israelites, us, the modern new believers - I'm not talking about the non-believers. We know right from wrong, but somehow we always tend to say the wrong thing, pick on or insult each other, judge each other (I hate that one!), do selfish things, argue because of ego, the list goes on and on.

God tried so hard to reach out to His people. He begged them to return. He told them He was jealous but would forgive them. He promised them the world, and beyond! Still they insist that their way was better, they were right, He was wrong. They didn't want to be restricted by rules, even rules that would keep them safe, protected and lead to an amazing journey beside God. We haven't learned anything in all these centuries, have we?

We still chase false idols today. Maybe we don't bow to a statue of gold or wood, or cry out a false-god's name, or throw our children into a fire to appease an unseen god but look what we DO still do:

We neglect our families for money to buy TOYS, big-screen tv's, newer cars, bigger houses we know we can't afford, take trips we can't pay cash for, eating out several times a week, it goes on and on. Meanwhile, wives are raising the kids as single-parents, kids have awful, if any, relationships with their fathers, it's an emotional train wreck.

We also seek to be seen as powerful, or better than the guy next to us, or richer than the neighbor, or smarter than our co-worker. We put on such a front that the truth eats us alive. We become so stressed about trying to keep up appearances, our health suffers. Not to mention that we eat packaged garbage, full of chemicals, loaded with poisons and toxins - as if the pollution we breath isn't enough! That's the health train wreck.

When we've over-spent, and the economy tanks like it has, we find ourselves laid off, our in jeopardy of it, family and friends are suffering around us and we haven't saved up enough to help them. Many are losing their home, waiting so long for benefits they can't buy necessary medications, or even food. It's the financial train wreck.

So what did I learn? God wants us to stop this ridiculous life we've created for ourselves. Be real, admit our shortcomings, be humble, and return to Him. He's promised us life in abundance here on earth, and an afterlife beyond anything our human minds can possibly imagine...if we only trust in Him, accept Jesus as Lord of our lives, doing things the way He would, letting go of the smoke and mirrors show. Only then can we find true happiness and find the truth, the secret to living a life of peace and hope, the truth that truly sets you free. Free to be who you are. Free to be all you were meant to be. Free to have the close relationships you desire. Free to let go of the things that kept us miserable and chained.

Have you talked to God today? He's listening, He loves you, and He wants you beside Him.

Esther? Joseph? You decide...

Last week an odd thing happened. The place I work shut down and I'm back home with the kids, at least for now, but without the money we need. I'm trying to figure out the purpose in all this - why did I get hired there? why did it shut down? what was I supposed to learn? was my husband supposed to learn something? here's the best I can figure:

I needed to re-learn the value of money and paying cash for everything. Both of us had become used to buying things on credit instead of delaying our wants. Yes, 90% of the charges were necessary, like having to buy gas to get to work, or getting our vehicle registrations done, etc., but the other 10% was stuff that wasn't really necessary. Now I know better.

I needed to appreciate my time with my kids, my freedom to pick my schedule, the freedom to do what needs to be done without having to destroy my body at a job. I needed to know how stressed life could make me so I can appreciate every single day at home now.

I know God wants us to build our own business, and He's truly blessed us beyond our efforts so far, so I believe the job was to protect me from someplace worse - since I obeyed and submitted to getting a job - and then it was shut down to close that door since it wasn't God's plan for how we were to get out of debt in the first place. I believe God has told us what to do, and if we try our own way, or my husband's way, the answer is "No, I won't bless that". Succeeding would mean we'd be helping too many others to selfishly refuse to do it.

I also think it was an eye-opener to health issues I have but I've been ignoring. Having the job really brought some of them out and now I know I need to be thinking preventatively before it's too late.

Half my friends think I've spent the last 6 months living like Esther, obeying and submitting to another's will (my husband's), and God blessed it, and I was there for a reason or to touch another's life (like the friend there who's also in our business now), or to be an example to the bible study ladies how to obey in difficult circumstances. I believed what I was being forced to do was outside of God's will, but I obeyed and prayed, and now I've been saved and delivered (so far).

The other half think I've lived like Joseph. I was sold into slavery (the job) and kept from my family, but stayed faithful to God, changed my heart, humbly asked God to be in charge of my life, and in the end, I was returned to my family, better for the experience.

Whatever the reasons, it doesn't matter. All that matters now is that I'm better for it, but never want to go through it again. I'd rather learn all I should've from it and put it all behind me. I just hope my husband can do the same.

I Need a Change of Perspective

I've been struggling for the past few months, but the last week in particular. I've always been a goal-setter, a list-maker, striving to become better, willing to change. I have a hard time understanding people who are happy to just let life happen to them. I don't think they mean to be that way, necessarily. But do they realize that if they don't plan their path, then they end up wherever life takes them? Problems don't solve themselves. Relationships don't grow on their own. Finances don't fix themselves.

I've got someone I care about who just seems to be going through the motions of life without any real willingness to do anything different. This person has a family counting on them to direct the path, to lead them spiritually, to bring hope and encouragement into their family's lives, yet the outward appearances say, "nah, it's too hard, I'm only going to do what I feel like doing and nothing more".

I don't know how to help this person, but it's ruining our relationship. They've become so closed off, so de-motivated, they have nothing positive to put into our friendship/relationship, and seems only interested in doing things together when it helps them get what they want. It's really been hard for me, I don't know who to talk to about it, so as usual, I come to my heavenly Father asking for the only thing I can ask for: a change of perspective.

Dear Father,
You know my internal and emotional struggles in this relationship. You know I want to deepen it, yet I'm fighting this losing battle alone. It's brough resentment and hurt and I need you to fix it. It's not something I believe I can fix myself. I need you to change my perspective. Help me see this person's strengths, appreciate the little things, and see them through your eyes. Help me to see my own part in the problems between us and work on whatever I can do to improve the situation. I believe you brought this person to me for a reason, remove my thoughts of giving up and walking away from this. Rekindle the fun we've had, remind me of all the reasons this is a good relationship, and help me to find peace instead of loneliness and frustration. I turn it all over to you in the name of Jesus,
Amen

***note: the next morning, I woke up and all of these feelings were gone, the resentment, the frustration, the anger, all of it. God works so fast! I felt an amazing peace regarding this situation - like the bible says - a peace that surpasses all understanding.

I'm Going to Miss Them So Much!

Today was our Ladies' Bible Study's annual Christmas party. Every year we get together before Christmas at our usual time, everyone brings something for a brunch, we all bring a wrapped ornament for an exchange, usually one of our ladies sings, or Tina plays her harp for us, and we either play a game, or share something interesting, etc.

This year is especially sad for me since I have to leave this group in about 8 weeks. Tim moved our family to another church (and it really is a good church and the kids like it). But after 4 months or so, I still haven't connected with a single woman there. I tried checking out small groups - nothing fits Tim's schedule, I tried the scrapbooking group - they took a few months off so I couldn't go. I thought about the Ladies' Wed. night bible study but that'd mean Adam would have to quit the High School teen boys' bible study - and I don't want that. I tried meeting people in the bookstore, cafeteria, bathroom, courtyard...I'm just not able to connect. Their Tues. Ladies' bible study is my last chance to make friends. I didn't choose this change, it was chosen for me, but I'm trying to make the best of it.

The Mountain Valley ladies are truly amazing women. We've discovered a community-building method we can't explain, but it's special and unique. We're closer than family, we've all been through so much together, we're connected in a way I've never been connected to any other girl or woman in my life, and our group is constantly growing and thriving. I'm going to miss the ladies.

I can't begin to name names because so many will be forgotten if I try to list them, so I won't, but I have found I'll miss each woman for a different reason. They've all brought so much into my life - more than they know. It's so humbling to have them give me cards that say how I've changed their lives - if only they knew THEIR role they've played. I'm who I am today because my heart is made up of pieces they've all given me. I love them and I'll miss them so much.

We Begin the Advent Season

I've seen advent wreaths in church but never really understood them. This year I decided to find out more.

The 4 candles represent the 4 weeks until Christmas, beginning the Sunday after Thanksgiving. I also read it may represent the 400 years of waiting between the last time God speaks to his people in the book of Malachi and the birth of Jesus, beginning the New Testament. There's usually 3 purple candles and 1 pink, with a white candle in the center, although I find that isn't always the case, but it's the most popular display. Each Sunday of Advent one candle is lit.

The first candle celebrates HOPE. Hope of a savior, bringing light into a dark world, and our being that light of hope for others, especially this time of year when many are alone and burdened.

The second candle represents PEACE. It's lit as we remember that we were promised a savior 400 years earlier, and we have peace through him. It's a peace we find no where else, especially in the midst of life's storms.

The third candle is the pink JOY candle. It's a reminder of the joy the birth of Jesus brought, the joy of his message that we can be saved from an eternity of despair, that God made a way for us to be forgiven so we can live forever with him in Heaven instead of separated from Him because of our sins.

The fourth candle, called the LOVE candle, is lit as a reminder of the love God showed by creating a sacrifice in our place, and for the love Jesus had in accepting to be that sacrifice so we can have eternal life.

On Christmas Eve, or Christmas Day, all 4 candles are lit along with the center's white candle representing Jesus. It's to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior.

Note: During the 4 weeks, there are readings you can read together as a family every day, either gathered together in the morning, or in the evening, say at dinnertime. Those can be found online.

It's a great reminder to stay focused on the real meaning and message behind Christmas. It's great to give gifts to appreciate and love those we care about, but it shouldn't be about who got what and how much someone spent on us. We could never give a greater gift than Jesus gave, nor can we out-spend what God gave in sacrificing His only son, to watch him suffer and die while innocent. But now we can have eternal life through simply accepting this gift of Jesus, who died in our place, so that our sins are atoned, or paid for, and we can be re-made fit to live in the presence of God forever.

Merry Christmas Everyone.

Life is hard, sometimes...

Life is so hard sometimes. You do all you can do, make the best decisions you can, work as hard as you physically can, and follow the golden rule to the best of your ability - but what about when that's not enough?

I know we live in a fallen world, we're imperfect people, sinners at heart, and I don't expect life to be a piece of cake, but...there ARE a few things I expect:

Do what you say you'll do
Follow through with plans if failing to do so wreaks havoc on others' lives
Tell the truth
If it's your responsibility, then DO IT, don't wait for someone else to do it
Don't be so self-absorbed, be aware of the needs of those around you
It's not always all about you
If those around you are working like crazy, pitch in and help
Quit making excuses and blaming others
Stop asking others to do things you aren't willing to do yourself
If you aren't perfect, then quit criticizing others
If you mess up, own up to it, don't lie about it

My intentions are to encourage, help, teach, guide, and be responsible, but sometimes others just don't want to play along. I often miss the mark - actually daily - but His mercies are new every morning, and it's up to me to at least TRY to be better tomorrow than I was today.

November...Finally!!!

I love November 1st. It's the end of the Halloween season (which we don't celebrate). We're so happy to see the gross and inappropriate humor gone for another year. It's so different from when I was little. We had plastic masks and costumes, we knew our neighbors, no one worried about tainted treats and it wasn't an evening known as a sexual predator's paradise. Seriously, that's all I kept reading about in the headlines for the past few days - it's just sick. I'm all for Harvest Parties to bring in the holiday season, or costume parties with taste, but I realized driving around last night, the line between who's in costume and who's "just dressed that way" is blurring.

November 1st also brings in the Holiday Season. People are nicer, more patient, and most are thinking of others for a change. I love that everywhere you go you see words like JOY and PEACE. I love the candlelights.

This year, due to our finances, and limited space, we probably won't be able to put up our tree. In the past, we had our old, cloth sofa and the loveseat would move into the storage room. This year, we were blessed with gently used leather furniture from our friends. We don't want to put a leather loveseat out to get wrecked, so we're out of room for a tree. Also, there's no money for gifts, but I think it'll be okay. We'll work on making and baking gifts for each other and for friends & family. For the first time, the kids'll have to focus on others instead of which video game or system they want.

We're working on a big family gift in lieu of lots of little presents. If all works out, it could be the best gift we've ever given to ourselves and our kids. I think this year will be a blessing in disguise when a lack of money means our events and activities will revolve around free events at local churches and through the neighboring cities. I'll look for lights to drive by, plays to attend, parades, displays and carolers.

I'm glad the holiday season is finally here - I'm really looking forward to the simplicity of this year - and the cooler weather!

You Are My Strong Tower

What an awful week this has been! I don't want to re-hash it all here, in fact I've asked God to remove the emotions from all the events and to help me to stop replaying the conversations over in my mind. I have never been so drained, tired, hurt, felt used, felt taken advantage of, disappointed, shocked at others' insensitivities, well...you get the point.

In all this, I've drawn closer to God and He truly is my Strong Tower, my Protector, My Safe Haven, My Father. He loves me more than anyone else here on earth ever could. He has plans for me (and you) better than I could've ever imagined. He gives me strength. He brings me peace. He makes me strong when I'm emotionally weak.

I need to hide for a while. Someplace safe, quiet, where no one can disturb me. God can be that place if I seek His help, trust Him with everything, and submit to His will.

When you need to get away too - seek your Strong Tower of refuge.

We begin at the beginning...

This Tuesday I begin teaching our Ladies' Bible Study group. We'll be learning about the book of Genesis, where it all began. I'm not entirely sure what I'll do, say or teach. I just have confidence that God will use this time to say what He wants and hopefully, He'll stop me from saying what He doesn't want me to say.

I have a few goals in mind:

1. Teach the ladies that they CAN, in fact, pray out loud. Even if it's just one sentence.

2. Give the ladies a foundation of Genesis, to know the characters and events, but even more so, to teach them to see the heart of God towards man: his love, mercy, grace, faithfulness, and final authority of all.

3. To begin to grow a sort of apprentice in the process. I became "the teacher" of the group only because our former spiritual teacher left our study and someone needed to step up. I didn't realize I was growing into that role - I just woke up one Tuesday morning, opened my mouth, and God's wisdom fell out. He gets all the credit for the good - I take all responsibility for the bad where words missed the mark. Someday I won't be in that study, so I hope to seek out a new leader for the ladies I love so much, not that I'm a leader, but I allow God to lead through me at His convenience without any resistance from me. Time to grow the next one.

4. I can't wait to show them how often Jesus is mentioned in Genesis, not by name, but how God planned his life from the very foundations of the world so we could be with God for all eternity - yeah, He loves us THAT MUCH.

I approach this task with excitement, hope, enthusiasm, but most of all, humility. It's God's call - His leading.

By the way, did I mention the curriculum we're using, He gave to me through inspiration years ago?

Pray for our success.

Trusting is so hard sometimes.

I'm learning to take one day at a time when it comes to being a working Mom instead of a full-time homeschooling Mom. Last night I went to the local homeschool support group and it was really hard. They listed out all the events for the year and with the exception of a few night events, most take place during the day. It hit me that I've lost the freedom to plan for anything at all. I don't want to help my kids to participate in a Spelling Bee, Talent Show, History Fair, Science Fair - just to find out after months of hard work that I have to work and all their effort is wasted. The get-togethers, the sports and gym classes, they all take place during the day. With my ever-changing schedule, I don't know how to plan for it. I can't ask for a dozen dates off this school year. That's not fair to everyone else.

All I can do is trust God to take something that's gone so wrong and turn it into something good. Trusting and waiting is just so hard when every day is so long to me and so short to God.

Who God is to Me

God/Jesus is my:

Father - Protector - Defender - Warrior - Savior - Guiding Light - Beacon - Safety - Shield - Rock - Foundation - Peace - "Slayer of Dragons" - Deliverer - Counselor - Advisor - Mentor - Teacher - Center - Moral Compass - Escape - Love - Friend - Brother - Encourager - Healer - Miracle Worker - Strength - Unchanging Lord over all...

Who is he to you?

I stayed silent til I was ready.

I haven't been on this blog for a month and it was on purpose. I've had an upsetting, difficult month, and I knew I couldn't write anything positive yet. I've been angry at myself, at my husband, at my circumstances, and for a brief time, yes, I was mad at God too.

A few weeks ago I came home from a particularly difficult day at Bible Study. So many of my friends are hurting so badly and I wish I could do more to help them. I also found out some really bad news concerning a loved one that I again was powerless to help. That same day my husband informs me that I have to go to work. I'm not afraid of work, but the thought of not being able to homeschool my three kids just broke my heart. I didn't eat or sleep for a week. I also have to lose a limb before I cry, yet I was up bawling my eyes out in the middle of the night just thinking of not being able to sit around the table teaching my kids. How in the world would I be able to do all I do, introduce a brand new curriculum, keep my oldest on track for college with complete transcripts, and hold down a job on top of all the other things I do?

I was mad at God for letting it come to this (at first). How could He give me a calling so strong and obvious for homeschooling, and then let us fall into such hard times financially that I couldn't do what He called me to do? I teach, run the house, I'm writing a bible study to share (which I'll teach), and then there's the kids' activities - and now a job? When is it enough? Why do I have to be the one to keep adding on to my to-do lists when Tim only has his 1 job to worry about? Why is everything else my responsibility? I'm a help-meet to my husband? It feels like I'm his entire staff! I read to drop the unimportant busy activities to focus on only the true callings of God - then I'm forced to NOT do that?

God is merciful. He hears our prayers. He knows our needs. He feels our pain. He calms our fears. God found me the perfect job (the only one out of dozens I tried and the only one that didn't even consider NOT hiring me). I have a job where I can teach my kids for 2 hours every morning I have to work, I'm home by suppertime, I get my Tuesdays off for Bible Study and important things, and I don't have to work Sunday mornings so I can go to church. I can start with just 3 days a week and not have to increase to 4 or 5 until the kids and I are into the swing of things academically. It's in a peaceful, low-stress environment (a Victorian tea house, of all places!), and I can earn more there than working hourly somewhere else.

I'm still disappointed, but also owning my share of the responsibility for our finances. I'm sure there were purchases I made I didn't need to make. I probably spent money on the kids that wasn't necessary. I probably used credit cards when I could've used cash - or should've waited. Also, God gave us a wonderful, inexpensive business opportunity to grow our finances but Tim & I didn't give it all the effort we maybe could have. We let time slip by without persistent, consistent effort, so we haven't got the results we could have had by now - and we could've avoided having me go to work.

So now it's up to us to make some real changes. We're going to give more, save more, invest more, and pay cash for everything, buying nothing we don't need. My hope is that by the end of the year, we'll be ahead of our bills enough that I won't have to work anymore. My biggest fear is that while I'm now busy 7 days a week on stuff, Tim doesn't change anything, doesn't get our business to grow, we're dependent on my income, and I'm now stuck in the workforce when I should be home with my children.

I guess it's okay to not know the future, but to know without a doubt that God's in charge, He has a plan, and He loves me more than anyone else. He won't do something to harm me, but it's okay for Him to stretch us.

Bowing to Christ's Authority

What a great bible study lesson we had yesterday. Beth Moore was saying how we lose our peace when we try to be in control of everything, getting frustrated because we really can't control circumstances, or other people, or events. She said as we bow to the authority of Jesus, our peace increases - who couldn't use that?

A direct connection. The more I'm willing to bow to the authority of Jesus, the more I will find and have his peace that surpasses all understanding? How great is that! I've felt that kind of peace a few times in my life: peace when doctors were saying my 1st pregnancy was ectopic and I had to end my baby's life (I didn't, God performed a miracle, he's 14 and almost never been sick in his life), peace when dealing with a loved one's addictions that were destroying our relationship (that family member was miraculously cured after 20+ years of struggling), peace when there was no money coming to pay bills that were coming due (unexpected money from past transactions showed up), and so many more.....

The important thing I took away from the lesson was that God doesn't FIX the circumstances and THAT gives us peace. He doesn't calm the storm so we feel safe. He shows us peace in the MIDDLE of the storm, it rages all around us, yet we feel calm, safe and confident that whatever happens, it's for the best to serve His purposes.

It often seems unfair when a loved one is sick, or dies, but God can turn anything bad into something good - whether it restores broken relationships, teaches others to be less selfish and more of a servant, brings us closer to Himself in the process; He knows what He's doing. Bow to his authority today and feel His peace in your own life.

God Bless.

Re-writing my Genesis curriculum

I'm re-writing a curriculum I wrote for my kids on the book of Genesis. Even non-Christians know lots of this book: Adam & Eve, Noah, Joseph and his coat of many colors, etc.

Since I've written it, I've had many requests to "upgrade" it to an adult version of a Bible Study. I love the prospect of accomplishing that! I started to overhaul it about a year or more ago, but it wasn't the right time. Now I'm on Chapter 20 and what I call Phase I, is going well. Phase I will be using software to go behind the scenes and come up with background info, geographical references, definitions, and questions to ask. Phase II will involve word studies (using bible dictionaries) and cross-referencing with other bible verses to illustrate or reinforce points of importance. Phase III will be putting it into a usable format, whether it's to be taught in front of a class with students' worksheets, or in a simplified book-type format, or if I buy binder paper and supplies at Office Max and create actual books.

Once it's done, we'll test it out with some of the ladies from my Bible study group at church. They'll help me find my errors, fill in gaps I left, trouble shoot rough spots or unclear points, and tell me if it makes sense, flows smoothly, etc.

If it passes the testing phase, I'd like to try to publish it. Maybe I could sell it as an eBook, or sell it to local churches to try, or something. I think in addition to teaching, I've always wanted to be a writer. Since I only have about a dozen or less devotionals I've "received", I can't really make a book unless I make each one a weekly chapter with a character focus, like a 12 weeks to happiness or something.

I guess I'll just keep plugging away discovering God's treasures in His Word, and trust Him to deciding what to do with it all.

An amazing dream...

I often ask God for dreams because that's a language He and I speak. He gives me a dream for direction, or to answer a question, or as a warning, and then He gives me the gift to interpret His meaning of it, and I can "get it".

Early this morning I awoke briefly and asked God for a dream to show me what I should be doing, or what He has for me to do for His purposes. I fell back to sleep and had this dream (I'll leave out the non-essential details):

I dreamed I was in a play/film with my boys (they take drama). The moms helped out by being extras. I'd been visiting with relatives and arrived on the set late. I was the only one who hadn't seen the script, so I had no idea what was coming next, where to go, where to be, what lines I may have had, etc.

I was told the film was called "The Return of Don Quixote" (no idea why). I knew in my dream I'd met whoever played Quixote when our group filmed the first Quixote movie/play, but at the moment, I didn't recall who it was.

Next I'm in a scene with the other moms. We're on a schoolbus that gets overturned by a tornado. I don't know what to do, so I wait for a cue from someone, just trying to quietly not do the wrong thing. Suddenly, Don Quixote and his men come to help us out and I see it's Patrick Stewart! Now, in my mind, he would represent someone in authority, the one in charge, the star of the show, the captain of the Enterprise in Star Trek and well as in the Moby Dick movie, leader of the XMen.

Jump to the next scene. I'm on a stool sitting, again not knowing what I should be doing, so I wait for Patrick to give me clues. He takes me by both hands, pulls me off to the side where we quickly exchange friendly greetings with a smile and a few kind words, then...He begins to give me clues, almost in riddle form. Then he asks me, "Now, why do you think I said that to you?" and he waits for me to figure out why, what to do next, etc. He led me like this step-by-step through the scene.

Now here's my interpretation: It appears the message is that I don't need to read the whole script (know the future) to know what's next or how it turns out. I only need to listen to what God has to say. He may appear to be sometimes talking in riddles as I read through the scriptures, but if I just wait, and meditate on what he's saying, figure out WHY he's saying it, finding the intentions behind the words, I can get through things one step at a time. I'll be following very closely in his footsteps, on the correct path He's chosen for me. I couldn't just look around me (at the other moms) to see what they were doing. They had their own things to do. I had to take my directions from the one in charge, a dear friend whom I love to be with.

God is so good. Once again, we spoke and He taught me through a dream. It's our "Love Language".

He Gives and Takes Away

Today at church we were singing "Blessed Be Your Name" and the lyrics I'd heard so many times before really hit me. I never really thought about it, but when they say He gives and takes away I always pictured it meaning that although God gives us many blessings, he also takes things away and we have to be thankful for those times too. Although I believe that to be true, today the words meant God also takes away...the bad. He takes away medical conditions, He takes away addictions, He takes away the bad people in our lives that are in the way of His plans for us, He takes away the jobs that would harm us, He takes away pain when we're hurting inside,......

What a paradigm shift. Instead of only focusing on having to be obedient and thankful in the bad times, or disappointments, or unexpected tragedies of life, I know can sing that song with a whole new perspective and joy from within. Although my singing is nothing to be proud of, I know my Father in Heaven will accept the praise just the same.

I hope you find your joy in Him today too.

Question to ask myself:

Q. Am I using my abilities well to serve others?

A. I believe my spiritual gifts are encouragement/exhortation and teaching. I use those in homeschooling my kids, leading our groups during ladies bible study, and encourage my friends at every opportunity - realizing I may be the only nice person they run into that day, so I better make our encounter count. I've been told by my peers in our small group that they believe I also possess the gift of prophecy. No, I don't mean like a prophet who tells the future, but one who receives information without having to hear or see it, the "behind the scenes" stuff that helps give the right advice. People bring me problems they don't know how to solve, and often I get a sense that something else is going on they aren't aware of, or that God has a message for them that they'll hear through something I say, or a story I tell, or in something I've experienced. So if those are my gifts, yes I'm using them. I guess the real question is if I'm using them to serve enough others?

I've been feeling lately that I have so many friends with so many problems that prayer isn't enough. I want to help beyond just a dozen people or so. I don't think I need to lead millions or be a public speaker or anything, although I would if I felt God really wanted me to do it. But I feel like it may be time to expand my circle of influence. I'm going to spend the next few months trying to reach out to more strangers, people put in my path, neighbors I don't know, maybe even show up to a few events to meet new people. I have a new drive to really help people heal, especially spiritually, and give them hope again. I just don't know how to find them or to help them find me. I'm not a counselor, nor do I want to become one, but I would like to be someone who either writes for others' benefit, or speaks to women that need hope, or be the neighbor that people can trust, I want my life to count for something...to have left the people I've met in better shape than they were when I first met them.

My journey of belief

I've learned over the years that God puts us through different seasons in our life. I've had seasons of teaching a co-op class, seasons of rest, seasons of just being close to Him, sensing His peace, seasons of joy and excitement, etc.

I knew it was time for a new season when I started my latest Bible Study, but I believe I'm beginning to see what it is. I think I'm entering a season to grow my belief. I don't mean belief in God, or faith; I mean a season of believing God CAN break me of my bad habits, he CAN get us a home that fits our growing family, He CAN get us out of debt (with our hearts right and a consistent effort), and He CAN help my family grow closer together.

Without a vision, the people perish...
My follow-up statement: With a vision, the people flourish!

Praise God for His do-overs every morning!

Enslaved to Rightousness

We started our new ladies' bible study recently. We're working through the Fruits of the Spirit with Beth Moore. I'm very excited about it and we're not even through the first week! I'm intrigued about the possibility of being "enslaved to rightousness" instead of being enslaved to sin. There are a few areas of my life that still make me feel weak, guilty and hopeless - but now, I really do believe I'll learn to master those too by finally being able to do it in Jesus' strength. I've seen first hand that the power of Jesus can break addictions, bad habits, and change hardened hearts - so this too is possible for me.

I've memorized our main theme's verse in Galatians 5:22-23 - But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. I've always had trouble memorizing scripture word-for-word, or if I could, remembering exactly where to find it. This is my first real memorization and it was hard since it has so many nouns and they have to be in a particular order. This small success also gives me hope that it's my time to really be touched and to grow in the Holy Spirit.

I can't wait to see where this journey leads!

Proper Questions

Good afternoon. I "stole" today's entry from the blog of someone I consider a mentor(www.chrisbrady.typepad.com) because these are the very questions I've been asking myself lately as I strive to be a Servant Leader. The following questions are the Proper Questions we should be asking ourselves if we are to make a difference. There are many you can ask, but here are a few:

1. Who am I going to serve today?

2. What steps am I going to take toward my dream today?

3. What is my purpose in life?

4. What special skills has God given me that point me to my purpose?

5. What activities make me "come alive?"

6. What dreams or achievements can I think about and focus upon to get myself excited about achievement?

7. What kind of legacy am I leaving with the way I am living my life each day?

8. What is the highest picture I can generate in my mind's eye of the kind of person God is fashioning me into for His glory?

9. Am I making the most of my gifts and time?

10. Ten years from today, what would I wish I had been doing?

30 Days to Live

What would you do if you had 30 days to live? Would you spend it working overtime? Watching hours of TV after work? Worrying about having the latest, greatest "stuff"? Would you put off making that call to an old friend? Would you spend it on your hobbies with buddies instead of spending it with your family? Would you put off wondering if your afterlife is secure?

How would you finish this sentence to someone you love?:

"What I really want you to know is....."

As for me, if I had 30 days to live, I think I would find a way to get my husband home for those 30 days (without having to go to work). Then we'd play sports with the kids, go camping, work in a trip or two to see my long-distance relatives, and write out what I do so the rest of the family can have things go smoothly once I'm gone.

I'd be very persistent with my loved ones about the seriousness of belief in Christ paying the penalty for their sins so they could have eternal life in God's presence. I'd scrapbook pages and pages for my kids telling them all my favorite moments with them, why each is special to me, my hopes and dreams for them, and what's really important in life. I'd spend every moment possibly with my husband, telling him all the reasons I love and respect him, making sure he understood I have no regrets or unforgiveness or disappointment in him - he's my hero for so many reasons.

I'd teach another relative to run my family's blog so the long-distance relatives can all stay as close as we are now, even closer. I'd throw a big Bon Voyage party for my friends, letting them each know how they individually impacted my life, what I learned from them, and why they're special.

I'd put off laundry, dishes, floors, worrying, and anything else that steals precious time.

I'd make sure the kids had another family to work with so they can finish their homeschool education.

And I might even take time to pet the housecat :-)

What would you do?

Easter Thoughts

Not much to say here, it all went into my diary, But I couldn't let Easter go without saying something.

Remember this weekend what the holiday's all about. Not the candy, the clothes, to egg-hunts...but about a miracle. Jesus rose from the dead, proving all he'd said before that was true. Our sins could now be forgiven by trusting that he paid the price for our sins already. We now have fellowship and are part of God's family. We are Jesus' brothers and sisters now. Don't forget to thank Jesus for his sacrifice and God for providing it while we were still sinners. Celebrate the day, with family, and rejoicing, and hope, and peace, and confidence that there's a God in Heaven who loves you so much, He was willing to die for you.

God Bless and Happy Easter

Beauty from Ashes

This is a copy of my 7th Devotional:

We recently drove home from up North by way of the forest. As I gazed out the window, I was half-listening to a Christian music CD, it hit me ...
The Rodeo-Chedesky fire wiped out every living thing for so many acres, how could it ever be something other than a field of black soot and ash? I was saddened by the stark remains of burned trees stretching up to the sky for as far as the eye could see. Then God gave me an epiphany, my eyes fell to the ground where new green life was again forming a forest, beautiful and hand-planted by the Creator Himself.
My first understanding was the similarities between the forest and our lives. Many of us had to go through an ordeal by fire to find the true nature of God. We had to burn away the "dead wood" so he could prune us back for an amazing time of growth in our future. We left behind some family members, some old friends, some bad habits that made up our comfort zones, and in return, God gave us His light, and living water, so we could grow better and stronger than before. A changed being.
My next phase of understanding brought me to realize that now we're that new life but yet, we still live among the dying or dead spirits. The sadness I felt for the empty, naked trees reminded me of the deeply hurting people we see all around us every day who don't know how to regain strength and life. Only when we, the new creations in Christ, join together can we help the forest to become green again. Only if we allow God to use us to touch others can we stand among the living.

Dear Heavenly Father,
It always amazes us how you use the simplest, everyday things in our life to teach us new lessons. We don't want to be just the few greens on the forest floor. We know you love everyone as your own, even if they don't know or understand that. They need you just as we did and still do. Help us to allow you to prune us back, so we can grow and bring new life to a barren world. Amen

Living Each Day

Recently, a friend's blog posted a video of Randy Pausch during his interview on Oprah. He's a man dying of pancreatic cancer, with just a few months to live. He's a college professor with a wife and three little kids under the age of five. The video highlights a talk he gave as a final exit speech on living. He's not sad, or bitter, or angry about what he's been dealt with because he's always lived his life to the fullest. His speech has been the #1 most downloaded clip off YouTube (at least I think that's what Oprah said). Do a search for him, or read it on my friend's blog at www.orrinwoodward.blogharbor.com - just go down a few entries to the one titled "Randy Pausch". It's about 20 min. long, but it cuts out the commercials. It's SOOOOOO worth your time.

What a great reminder of how we're meant to live. May you be blessed by his inspiration.

You have to give to receive...

Have you ever heard that before? You have to give to receive. I grew up with my grandmother telling me it's better to give than to receive, but not I HAD to give to receive.

Today I called a friend of mine who lives 3000 miles away. Actually, she's more than a friend. She's been my best friend all through childhood, my teen years, and into my adult years until I got married. We've been through everything together, weddings, funerals, ex-everythings, apartments, cars, you name it. Her parents were foster parents, and although I wasn't a ward of the state, I spent many years in and out of their home so they were my foster parents, too.

Anyway, I called her mainly because we try to talk every weekend, but more deeply than that, I needed to call her. She means the world to me, always has, even during the years where we lost touch. (Life happens too fast and time slips away.)

I told her I feel energized when I'm helping others and since I'd been in the house the past few days, I felt useless and bored. Okay, so maybe I said something like, "I live such a boring life!" but you get the idea.

My friend can handle herself and anything else that comes along without me, and do just fine, she's that kind of dynamic person. I'm so proud of the woman she grew up to be. But by just listening to her, hearing her voice, I was able to find a few things to say to encourage her. This really energized me. My whole mood lifted and I felt like I was in a better place when we hung up. I didn't feel good about myself, that's not what this is about...I felt better becuase she was happier. Because I felt God was able to use me to bring laughter to her day where it wasn't there before. I felt I was living my purpose.

With my new feeling of revitalization, I realized how separated I felt when I wasn't fulfilling a purpose - just drifting along through life. I now believe I've reached a new peak, a next step in my journey: I NEED to give (to others)in order to receive (a blessed heart, sense of purpose, fulfillment).

May you be blessed by something here and make it yours.

Seasons of Life

One of the things I've learned over the past few years is that life is made up of seasons, and just like it says in Ecclesiastes 3, there is a time for everything under the sun.

I was recently in a season of simplicity. I fixed my schedule so I'm not too busy anymore. I let go of the things that were simply just "busy" events. I learned that it's okay for me to rest on Sundays (football season helped). I'm okay with sleeping til 8am now, where for almost 40 years I habitually got up between 5:30 and 7:00am - only to crash on the couch by 3 in the afternoon.

My current season is an answer to prayer for direction. I planned on taking off this study. I wondered if the ladies would be better off without my talking, or "a story for everything". I stepped up when the group's last bible scholar left, to fill a need. I wondered if someone else would fill the role if I stepped back. I prayed for wisdom to see if my Tuesdays are already too busy, and if I should take one study off. My answer was an overwhelming NO! The 6 week study was broken out to 12 weeks so it wouldn't be too much homework for me. Ladies asked if I'd be back because they needed to learn from what I allowed God to work and do through me. I know full-well that anything I've given to the ladies is ALL from God. HE is the teacher, I'm merely and humbly just His messenger.

My next season should be exciting. I believe it'll hold moving to a new home, reaching out to new neighbors, especially unchurched teens nearby, starting a tutoring Co-Op Center from my home, and the most exciting thing to me is that I think Tim & I are being called to start a small group from our new home for the new ladies at bible study and their husbands. Of course, we'd open it for anyone, but having a solid connection long enough for God to really move and change in their life is what's needed in most cases - so we'd welcome the singles, dating couples, and married couples. I'm looking forward to it.

Leadership

"Leadership". What does that make you think of when you hear it? Just another buzz word? Control over others? Having others to do things that are "beneath" you? or do you think of Jesus, the greatest king who ever walked the earth, yet served others, drawing people to himself, which gave him influence with them (not manipulation), to therefore change the world!?

I had the unique priviledge yesterday to sit in on a seminar where the speakers are people I know a lot about. I've heard so many of their stories before that they're like part of the family now. The two of them spoke on leadership. Here are just a few of the major highlights:

Don't give up the GREAT for the "good-of-the-day", don't settle.
The only formula for lasting success is Dream + Struggle = Victory.
A leader lifts others up, edifies with respect, and has his/her ego in check.
Don't criticize, condemn or complain; instead, accept, approve and appreciate.
If the person you're telling the story to isn't part of the problem or the solution,
you're just gossiping.
Assume good intent in others.
Minimize the faults of others.
Focus only on what you can control or help change.
When you grow in preparedness, opportunities will find YOU.
Keep the Main Thing the Main Thing - therefore, HAVE a main thing!
Ask yourself the question "What would people say is MY main thing?", and would you be proud of that?
Leaders are life-long learners.
When something bad happens, and you realize everything happens for a reason, ask yourself first, "What can I learn from this?" and second, "What doors open when others are closed?".

I've noticed since following Biblical principles, and taking advice from mentors like the speakers on Saturday, and their business partners - who I actually did get to meet this past summer, I'm beginning to see God bringing new people into my circle of concern. I've got new friends I've just made in the last 6 months or so, and some I will become friends with in the next 6 months. I need to grow and be prepared in case opportunity, namely God, finds me to give them what they need. It may be an uplifting word, a black-and-white solution without emotions to cloud the waters, a shoulder to cry on, a friend to pray for them, or just someone to be there with them through a hard time.

I sometimes feel like Moses when God told him to tell Pharoah to free the Hebrews. I feel like "Who am I? Nobody, and full of flaws". But do I really want God to give that opportunity to someone else because I said "No"? What a blessing I'd miss out on...to bring glory to the One who gives me EVERYTHING!

Leadership? I don't feel worthy...but SIGN ME UP !!!

Where would I be?...

This week in my bible study we had an interesting question: Where would you be if God hadn't stepped into your life? Or changed your life? Or protected you through the years? Wow! What a question...

As for me, I would've spent my life with "victim mentality" because of my childhood. I wouldn't have had my friend Sue's Mom, and my friend Michelle's parents to watch over and guide me to stay on the right path. They showed me what a "home" should look like when my house was falling apart all the time.

I would've joined an ex-boyfriend in doing drugs instead of kicking him and his bad habits to the curb! I'd be bailing him out, hanging out with drug-addicts, thinking it's normal.

I might have ended up pregnant at 16 or 17, quitting school.

I might have allowed another jerk of an ex-boyfriend to steal my self-esteem permanantly.

I wouldn't have had the amazing, wonderful life I have now with Tim. He's been everything to me here on earth since the day we started dating - another God story for another time. But he was SENT to me immediately after I called to God on my knees for a better life, the one He had for me all along.

I wouldn't have the deep friendships and support I have now.

And maybe worst of all...I'd still be shoveling snow, freezing in New England!

Kicked Out of the Nest

Recently the small bible study group I've belonged to has had a time of restructuring. Two of our former leaders and dearest couples have had to step out of group, to follow what God's telling them is a priority right now. That's left the two of us wondering what it is we should be doing. Should we continue to meet with the remaining members? Do something with just one other couple from the group? Do something that just me and my husband start? So many questions, but really, just one answer. Let me explain.

I feel like it's a time to get kicked out of the nest. I joined this group back in early spring 2005.
I was in a weird place. I was trying to grow, had some stuff at home to deal with, was trying to let go of my bad childhood, be real and honest, and become a woman of God without the phony, showy personna.

This group has been together through trials, tragedies, fears, feelings of hopelessness, and defeats. But we've also been together through victories, joys, healings, newfound hope, direction, and celebrations. We were together when we needed each other. And now it's time for us to begin new projects to help other people.

Although we may not have all the answers to our questions, the answer is the same. It's time for us to create a place, or several places, for new believers to come during their trials, defeats, and fears - to be lifted up, brought before the throne of the Almighty, and learn what they need to then pay it forward for others in the future.

Small Victories

I attended a seminar on Saturday and one of the speakers' main points was to experience small victories, which will help you achieve your big goals in the future. I asked myself, "How can I apply this to my faith?" Here's a few suggestions:

1. Reading God's word - I want to read the entire bible eventually. I started a reading program where I read 1 chapter a day. If that's too big, read 1 Proverb daily, every day, for a whole month. A small victory now will mean more confidence to reach the next biggest goal in the future.

2. Praying daily - I want to take time to pray for my friends and family every day but the list is so long, it seems too time consuming. I decided to pick say, 5 friends and 3 family members to pray each day. By the end of the week, I'll have prayed for all of them, and the most important ones, I'll do more than once. That's more than I get around to praying for now, right?

3. Using my spiritual gifts and talents - I want to use them for the benefit of OTHERS. If I know they're telling right from wrong, encouragement, and teaching, I could use them to increase the quality of my homeschooling with my kids. I could offer to lead the next bible study or small group at church. I could open up to neighbors, or friends I'm not that close too yet, or take time to help out a relative I haven't yet.

Start each day asking what things I want to accomplish TODAY. Taking it one day at a time will get us further at the end of a week, a month, or a year, than not planning at all.

Life is Hard

You know, I used to tell people I'd pray for them because it was kind of a short list. Now it's such a long list that it takes a long time to get through it now. I wonder if it's just because I have more friends, or if it's just that life is getting harder. The bible says at the end of times it'll be like birthing pains. To me, that sounds like it builds and builds, getting more and more painful. This HAS to be it, right?

In one week, I could easily find myself praying for 50 people! Financial hardship, marital problems, a dying, unsaved relative, a friend in a major accident, the loss of a loved one, a job lost, addictions, abuse, the list goes on and on.

What can we do about it? As followers of Christ it's up to us to stand in the gap between God and the evils of this world. It's time we come together in prayer to make a real difference in the world. It's time we voted for the candidate that we believe obeys God's laws, not just the one promising the best free ride (and NOT the one who looks the best!).

God's word says He's present wherever 2 or more are gathered in His name. So it's time to gather, to pray, to fight the battle you can't see, the wage war against the enemy who orchestrates temptations, poor choices, hardships and mistreatment of others. Let's stand up for those who can't stand alone.

Let's take back our holy ground! We've been empowered in the name of Jesus. We CAN tell the enemy to flee, bind him from interfering, so let's do all we can - grab your armor and swords! - the world needs prayer warriors!

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

Have you ever watched the show? I've heard so many criticisms of the show but you know what? How is it a bad thing to help a deserving family live in a safer home and maybe pay off some of their bills? My heart just breaks for almost every family they show. They go through losing family members, major accidents and traumas, been devastated by life or choices of another that they had no control over, or are in the process of healing knowing they have a very real possibility of dying in the near future.

How I wish I had the ability to step into someone's life and change their world for the better. After all, isn't that what Jesus did for those he met? To step in and make a way out of circumstances, to bring light into a dark situation, that's the adventure I'd love to be on.

Extreme Makeover: Spiritual Edition?

What's Holding You Back?

I'm reading Captivating by Stasi Eldridge and came upon a part in the book that really made me think. She talks about how words, whether ours or others, can hold us back, or keep us paralyzed for years. Many of us had rough childhoods, or a bad relationship, or never got the affirmation we should have growing up. We either had someone tell us we weren't good enough, or strong enough, or grown-up enough, or they declared that we had a major weakness. For others of us, we were under a controlling person for years and we vowed to never let anyone else do that again (and we end up being controlling ourselves), or that we'd be the best (overachiever), you know what I mean, right?

Words are powerful. What we, or others, tell our brain - it believes us - good or bad. If we agree with the derrogatory statements others put on us, or we tell our brains how "it's going to be from now own" or "never again", it will do whatever it takes to support that.

Now, not only did my book talk about this, but also I caught Beth Moore on TV yesterday talking about the same thing. She mentioned being paralyzed by the enemy because of our believing lies.

To further confirm this, I also recently found a friend dealing with the same thing.

Here's what you need to do to move forward, to stop letting words hold you back anymore:

Renounce this "curse" in the name of Jesus. Demand that the enemy has no power in this area any longer. Ask God to come in and remove those words. Give Him free reign in all areas that have been touched by this. In the name of Jesus, pray His blood over your life for protection and healing.

Then give God praise and thanks and hold on for the exciting, wonderful future and the plans he has for you (Jeremiah 29:11).

Prayer for the New Year

Dear Heavenly Father, as I look back on this past year, I see so many times where you revealed yourself, protected me and my loved ones, kept your promises, and provided for my needs.
I know you are the Alpha and the Omega, so not only are you the One who Begins a good work in me, but You also are the One who wishes to finish a good work in me. Lord, I pray if I've kept you out of any area of my life, or if my selfish desires have stood in the way of your will, I now give you permission to enter, grow and change all areas of my life, in order for you to complete the good work you started in me.
Father, I pray for patience while waiting for you to answer my prayers and your plans to be revealed. I pray for a more sensitive heart, that I would feel pity, and grace, and forgiveness towards others in the coming year. I also ask for your provision on my household. You are a father who knows how to give good gifts to your children. I thank you that through Jesus' sacrifice, I am now counted among your children. I ask you to provide for my material needs in order that I would not be distracted by them, and can focus on trust and peace in you, instead. I pray that you'd help me to use the gifts, abilities and talents you've given me in the new year for your glory and to lift up the body of believers, as well as reach out to those who maybe haven't learned to follow Christ yet.
Bless the work of my hands, the words of my mouth, and the thoughts I have. May they learn to be under your authority for both my benefit and your glory.
I end this prayer with thanks and praise and worship and honor to you Heavenly Father. Thank you for all you've already done, and for allowing me the opportunity to present my requests to you, and to have the confidence to entrust it all to you in the New Year.
In Jesus Name,
Amen.

Christmas Miracle Number Two!!!

The same night our "Christmas Angel" came anonymously, my husband also returned home with unbelievable news: two of the older women at his work had already gone out and bought gifts for our family! They didn't do it for everyone, and there's no reason they should've picked us, but they did. I can only guess that God called them to do this and they responded to His nudgings.

They bought our family toys, sports balls, grocery gift cards, cash gift cards, gifts for our home, and even an old-fashioned curved walking stick like pictures of St. Nick's from an earlier era, complete with a red ribbon and jingle bells on it.

I can never say enough how much God provides, and He rewards our efforts, and He cares about our desires - in many cases, He put them there.

So as we enter the New Year, just remember to trust Him for all your needs, trust Him with your family, your provision, your safety, your health and your heart. He loves you like no other!

God Bless You.

A Christmas Angel - Miracles DO still happen!

(Dec.23rd): Just yesterday I was thinking, "how are we going to pay the mortgage, and the kids need clothes, and it's going to be our smallest Christmas ever." But, I'm always the first to stand up in front of a crowd and tell them not to worry about financial hardship - God will provide, somehow.

Money really DOES fall from the sky when God's involved, and others allow Him to speak through them. Here's what happened:

It was about 6:30 pm (give or take) Sunday night. There was a loud knock at our metal screen door. I was sitting right by the door, so I was there to open the door within 2 or 3 seconds. No one was there. I went to turn on our motion-sensitive light, but it wasn't working. I went to open the screen door and noticed there were 2 packages on the ground with our family's name on them, and an envelope. I thought, "how nice, someone thought of us" and I opened the card hoping it was a letter signed by the generous giver. I opened the envelope and in it was $500 in cash and a $500 gift card from Target!!! I couldn't believe it! I ran to the patio to look for a person, or car leaving, or something - but no one was there. It was in less than 60 seconds! I went in the patio door and by the time I got in the house, my husband came home in the front door. I asked him if he saw anyone out there and he said there was no one out there. We won't open the gifts til it's time, but I believe if God blesses you, you give Him all the credit. So I'm doing that with this entry (and we both emailed everyone on our email lists), and if you happen to know who may have had a part in this, please, pass on our thanks, and our love, and our true, true appreciation for such a remarkable and timely gift. We now can pay our mortgage, get the things we need, and our kids will have a great Christmas. We love all of you.

May you be blessed and encouraged by this,

Captivating

A few years ago I went through the book and workbook called Captivating by Stasi (and husband John) Eldridge. It's the "hers" book that compliments Wild at Heart for "him".
I first went through it right after a major heartache - and it definitely shows in my answers in the workbook.

I'd like to think I'm older and wiser now, closer to God than before, more aware of all He created me to be. Still, I find myself re-living the same hurt feelings as I read through the book, but at least now, the feelings seem more distant. Last time, they were raw, exposed.

I think I'm gearing up for another challenge, a positive change, an opportunity to be great by God's power and direction - if He so chooses. I plan on being a good listener, student and willing to follow Him to the ends of the earth, if need be.

I need to be swept up in an adventure. My life has seemed so boring for the last few years. I'm ready for whatever God has planned because it's HIS plan, and according to Jeremiah 29:11, He knows the plans he has for me, not plans to harm me, but plans to prosper me. In His Name I trust.

Blue Like Jazz

I just finished reading a book my dear friend loaned to me. It's called Blue Like Jazz, and it's written by Donald Miller. What a great book! It's about a regular guy, living his life, trying to figure out what Christianity is. He knows it's supposed to be different from "religion", he tries to figure out what God wants from us, what our role is, and who Jesus is.

The book reads quick - even with my busy schedule I was done in just a few days. It's written like diary or journal entries, so no section is too long, great if you only have a few minutes here and there to read.

I "get" what Christianity is, I know I'm saved, I understand what it means to be a Christ-follower, I feel that God the Father is 100% my "Dad", in every way possible. I appreciate His gift of Jesus, I appreciate the sacrifice Jesus made for us, I understand what an atoning sacrifice is, but I still struggle with what type of relationship I'm supposed to have with Jesus. Let me explain:

If God is my father and he says not to pray to anyone but him, why do so many Christians pray to Jesus directly? I feel like it's wrong when I do it. I pray to God, but ask through Jesus, in Jesus' name, not on my own merit or right. I see Jesus as a mentor, and a friend, but I really long for the romance, the falling in love with Jesus that I hear and sing about. I long for the passion of who Jesus is, and how deep his love for me really is, to sink in. I want that heart-stirring emotion.

I live my life very logically, with very little emotion, everything in black & white - so I'd like my Spiritual life to be so much more.

Recipe for Man-made Manna

Hi, this obviously won't be miraculous or probably taste like "the bread of angels", but what a great opportunity to explain to our kids, grandkids, spouses, family or friends about God's provision?

Man-Made Manna Recipe:

225 gr. cake quality matzo flour, sifted
2 tsp. dried coriander leaves
1/2 C boiling water
1 T. sesame oil (plus extra to brush on)
2 T. honey

1. Resift the flour with the coriander. Place mixture in a bowl and make a well in the center. Into this pour 1/2 cup boiling water and the sesame oil. Mix into a dough and knead until smooth and elastic. Divide into 12 portions.

2. Roll first portion into a 10 cm circle and brush with a little sesame oil. Roll out 2nd portion and cover the 1st. Roll both portions out again to make a 15 cm "sandwich". Continue to do this with each portion so you end up with 6 "sandwiches" rolled out.

3. Heat a heavy skillet without oil on medium, and fry the pancake-like sandwiches one at a time, turning once to both sides are cooked. (*Important: keep skillet moving, like making old-fashioned popcorn, so it doesn't stick.)

4. When all are cooked, separate each sandwich back into 12 portions. Spread each pancake with a little bit of honey and fold in half, then half again making a wedge. Serve immediately.

Finding My Purpose

For the last two or three weeks I've been struggling with something. I've known for a long time that I'm supposed to be on "an adventure" of sorts, a quest, a mission, a purpose. Although I know I'm getting closer to that purpose every day, and I know I'm on the right path, I still feel there's something MORE I'm supposed to be doing.

I've also noticed recently that I've become a counselor of sorts to other Christians on their journey. I know my Spiritual Gifts are Encouragement, Teaching, and Discernment, so I know that's kind of how they all come together, but when I made the realization that being a helper for others to stay on the path, or to choose between two seemingly good paths, I got cold feet.

I've been helping friends and family this way for years, but now I see it in a different light. It's no longer just a casual, "Let me tell you what I'd do based on what the Bible says and my experience..." Now I feel the responsibility that I have to be God's voice in the matter. I feel like Moses willing to serve a mighty God, but scared that I'll mess up. All kinds of doubts came to mind: what if I'm wrong? do I really know ALL the bible says on that subject? what if I can't help them? how do I know what's right if I never dealt with that problem before? and so many more!

Then God spoke to me through 2 friends and a dream.

The two friends, at different times, in different circumstances said that we can be used in our weaknesses because that's where he can prove how strong He is. And all will know He can do and speak and help, in SPITE of me and my faults.

I've also been dreaming for 20 years of being back in school. It happens almost every week it seems. I'm always either late for class, or can't find my schedule, or can't remember my locker combination, but I'm so eager to be in class as a student. Sometimes the people there are current friends, sometimes they're from high school, sometimes they're strangers. A few nights ago, the dream changed. I was running late for work because I got out of class late and I said to the 2 or 3 people there, "I can't keep going to school AND work, it's just not working." Then one of the people said, "Why are you still here going to classes? How long ago did you get your diploma and graduate?" In the dream I went to answer that it'd been about 5, no wait, 10, 15? Oh my gosh! it'd been 20 years and I was still hanging around the school halls. The realization hit me IN MY DREAM that it was time to stop trying to hide by being in the the safe role of a student. It was time to enter the bigger world (work) and become the teacher. When I woke up, I immediately knew what it meant. I'd been hiding for years worried I wasn't good enough (must be that Type A, overachiever personality). It's time to step out in faith and trust God to give me the students, the wisdom, the discernment and the encouragement to help His children. I have a new peace about it. Instead of being stressed over the demands on me, I welcome the chance to serve God...and now those precious souls seeking answers are coming to me almost daily for advice. In His Service, I humbly accept my role, and my purpose.