Waiting for answers

What do you do when you're at a crossroads moment? We're about to make some major financial and life decisions that could either free us forever, or be the worst mistake in our lives. Trouble is, I don't know which is the right way to go.

I've prayed, I've paused to wait for God to answer me, and I've prayed for Him to direct Tim's decisions. I've learned that my job is to be supportive of my husband either way, and in obeying God's command regarding that, I can trust He'll handle the details from there.

I've also learned over the last 20 years when to listen to that voice inside that won't let me rest. If I'd listened to it all along, lots of things would be different. I sometimes make my concerns known, but I don't always act "loudly" enough that others change direction. It's a weird kind of thing, really. The way Tim & I describe it is that sometimes "I just know things". Call it discernent, maybe wisdom from God, maybe it's a spiritual gift of prophecy (others saw that in me WAY before I ever would have). All I know is that I've got a very restless spirit lately but I have to wait on answers, for God's timing, for Him to reveal His will and direction - through Tim, not me.

I'm all for waiting. I understand from experience that patience with God is a must. The hard part is knowing what my role is. I think our plans were purposely stalled to give us more time to think through the situation at hand. I just pray we're open to hear the advice we seek, even if it's opposite from what we think and can see for options.

I believe we were also given an amazing gift from above, but fear kept us from acting on it. I've heard many times that if you don't act on God's gifts, he'll take them away and give them to someone brave and courageous and trusting enough to use them. My biggest fear is that He's done that, and I pray for a second chance. I pray it's not too late to do something God purposed for us. This coupled with the other big decisions we're making is why I'm up typing this at 2:30 in the morning!

God has ALWAYS proven Himself to be faithful and trustworthy in the end. So for now, I continue to pray, be supportive of Tim during the decision-making process, and I'm waiting for answers.

Trusting God

Over the last 6 months or so, I've developed high blood pressure. Not just a little over the goal of 120/80. Not "pre-hypertension". Just full-blown, hypertension. I've had readings over 140/99! I've had lab work done. My cholesterol is perfect, my other numbers are well into the normal range, I have no other issues causing the hypertension except my constant state of stress. My pressure spikes at the drop of a hat lately, and my body can't get it to come down like it's supposed to. The first medication failed, so the doctor doubled the dosage and I felt like IT was going to kill me. I'm on prescription #3 in 60 days and still have unexplained spikes.

You know what I'm learning from it? To let go of things that maybe really were my responsibility before, but I'm trusting God to take care of it now.

I've had to trust God in spite of financial difficulties, trouble raising teenagers, having an already-full schedule but adding a part-time job anyway, stress from problems in the lives of friends and family that I care about, and so much more.

The lines of an old song about God are: You give and take away. Growing up in a house without faith, knowing only what a few years of Catholic training taught me, I thought that meant although God gives blessings, don't complain when you lose something he takes back/away. Now I'm finding a new meaning...Not only does He give blessings, but He's also powerful enough to take away - stress, problems, worry, unnecessary negative feelings, resentment over injustices, and so much more!

I recently read the book The Shack that came out a few years ago. It was a #1 best-seller, if you haven't heard of it. Some people loved it because the fictional story helps the reader understand God and His nature better. Others hated it because they felt it wasn't done in a way true to the Bible. I loved it. It's fiction, it's not supposed to be taken as literally the truth about God's nature from the Bible's evidence. Anyway, it really helped me see God as the loving Father who hurts when we, His children, are suffering. I understood that - logically, but when things weren't going right, I had a habit of thinking, "Ok, so what did I do wrong? Or what am I NOT doing, that God had to let this happen?" What a bad way to live.

I believe now, whole-heartedly, that God is just like us in our own parenting. We hurt when our kids get hurt. Although trusting God doesn't mean I won't have any problems anymore, it does mean that some will go away, some will still come but He'll see me through, and if worst comes to worst and I don't survive something, I'll still be comforted knowing I'll be delivered into His arms for all eternity.

Trust is about me letting go; remembering that this life and all its problems are temporary. It's about trusting that God has a plan, even if I can't see how it'll all work out. He's helping me find new answers - and hopefully this new path will help me lower my blood pressure by finally letting go of the stress of trying to manage it all.