Logan had been approached a while back by a Marines recruiter. He had told us he was thinking about it in the spring, but he agreed to wait and give it more time. This fall, he really got prepared to take that step and become a Marine. No other branch considered. End of story. He called me while I was in a department store and basically said I had an hour to meet with the recruiter before he signed. Imagine how my heart sank! We've always been a patriotic family that supports the military, but now we're talking about MY son. I know when people say we should send in troops, those people are someone's children and my heart breaks for them. I understood how important this decision would be and asked him to wait just long enough to tell his father in person when he returned in 2 1/2 weeks rather than after the fact. Logan, being a mature, loving son, agreed.
In those weeks I agonized over all the what-ifs, what they would do to him, what it would do to his faith, how he'd handle having to perform tasks that were against his personal beliefs, and what he'd be like afterwards - what would happen to that perfect heart that God have given him? I didn't want to say anything to anyone that might accidentally say something on social media. That would not be a good way for Tim to find out. I was determined to go through it alone until his return out of respect for Tim. Also, if we told everyone, that would make it that much harder for Logan to change his mind (social pressure) if he realized it was a mistake to sign up.
I spent weeks crying, not sleeping, terrified. I didn't play "the Mom card" and smother him or his decision. I refused to use any type of manipulation. Because we have a great relationship, Logain and I were able to keep an on-going, open, honest, fair conversation on the topic the whole time. That certainly helped. As his Mom, I was afraid for him and what would might happen to him. As his friend, I wanted to be supportive in such a patriotic, selfless endeavor to protect our country. I thought of little else, night and day, every day, the whole time. I told just 2 other people so they could pray me through this and give me advice.
During this time, I prayed like crazy, but not how you'd expect. I wasn't praying for him to simply change his mind. That would be a temporary situation until the next time he got that feeling again to join. Instead, I prayed that God would give me a clear head and a sense of peace as I work through this with Him and Logan. I know God created Logan for a purpose. I know there are many paths to choose (free will and all that), but only ONE path that is THE purpose God created specifically for Logan - wired Logan exactly for that purpose - we just didn't know if this was it or not. I prayed that if it was the right path God had already chosen before Logan was ever born, then give me total peace and rest and even some joy in this. Help me to be and do what he needs from me. But if this path is NOT of God's plan, then put up serious roadblocks, close doors, and stop him in his tracks before it's too late.
Logan too prayed for guidance/direction, but of course, he had a biased opinion - still he was willing to listen. Logan and I disagreed about many dreams, signs, apparent roadblocks, but nothing was absolutely definitive. How much was us? How much was our interpretation of things? How much was the enemy? How much was God? Then Tim came home...
When we told him, he took it harder than we expected, especially since he's always been so PRO military. Like me, perspective had changed because now it wasn't just "the troops" it was our son. He went through the normal emotions: scared, worried, felt out of control, felt he needed to do something to stop him from making a huge mistake, got angry, but all in one weekend. I felt so bad for having him go through this. And of course, Logan had to deal with not only his own emotions, and trying not to worry/hurt me, but now how to handle this with his father.
Tim left to go back out on the road, Logan seemed to have made up his mind, I was feeling peace yet still feeling like this wasn't the right path, so it was quiet for a few day...then God.
I had seen the movie War Room recently, it's about prayer and its power. If you haven't seen it, you must. It was overtly a Christian movie on prayer yet topped the box office the first TWO weekends it opened nationwide. When does that ever happen?! Anyway, I'd told Logan about it, so when it eventually got to the discount theater a few months later, he wanted to go see it with me. We went Thanksgiving Eve. That's significant.
We returned and Logan asked me if I'd pray with him over his decision. I told him I would, but only if he was prepared to really accept whatever the results would be - all the time knowing this was my final, definitive stand on the issue too - if God said Yes, I must surrender to that. I secretly hoped God would stop Logan instead, though.
We prayed together for God to reveal if this decision was from Logan or God, God's plans, joining the military which we know is not a Christian organization, direction, and would it bring honor. Logan completely surrendered his will to whatever the Lord would choose to reveal and not question a definite answer. Then we opened the bible together randomly - yes randomly - without our own bias. He opened to a passage and I read it. It was about giving thanks to God before any requests are made. Remember this was Thanksgiving eve? Then I opened to a passage and Logan read it. The bible's subtitle said, "A prayer of Thanksgiving". Again, it seemed to be saying this was a perfectly timed passage, again it was on how God knows all, created all, and has given everyone and everything a purpose. That's why we came before him this night, after all. It was the 3rd and final passage that REALLY blew us away! I'm glad I wasn't the one to choose it!
Logan randomly opened to Isaiah 30. Verses 1 - 3 say this:
Do Not Go Down to Egypt
"Ah, stubborn children," declares the Lord, "who carry out a plan, but not mine,
who make an alliance, but not of my Spirit, that they may add sin to sin:
who set out to go down to Egypt without asking for my direction,
to take refuge in the protection of Pharaoh and to seek shelter in the shadow of Egypt!
Therefore shall the protection of Pharaoh turn to your shame,
and the shelter in the shadow of Egypt to your humiliation..."
How's THAT for specific, exact answer to questions we answered?! As soon as Logan read the words "stubborn children" he stopped, looked at me, and said he knew, felt it, that God was speaking directly to him in that moment. It says the alliance (signing/joining) is not of God's spirit, there would be sin added to sin, setting out w/o asking direction, taking refuge in a non-Godly ruler and nation (like the Marines/military), it will bring shame & humiliation...it couldn't have been clearer!
Logan in that moment knew this was not God's path for his life. He was a little disappointed, but said if it was the right thing, it would be a bigger deal to change his mind. He was almost surprised how easy it was to turn down the military to find a new path.
Praise God that He is still a loving God, a good Father, and has given us His Word to help us with the biggest, most important decisions of our lives. Thank God for who He is. Needless to say, we had a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
Believe God wants to help you. Listen for his answers. Come to Him with a heart and mind totally surrendered to whatever He decides. It can happen for you too.
