Although emotionally I don't feel appreciative and thankful, logically, I still know that I have a lot to be thankful for. Here's just a partial list:
1. I know I'm saved for all eternity because of the sacrifice Jesus made in my place to pay the penalty for all the sins I've ever committed, as well as those I will commit in the future. My sentence for what I've done has been paid by Him and because of that, I will spend eternity with Jesus instead of suffering.
2. #1 is available for every single person on earth, and I'll get to see my husband, children, and other loved ones in Heaven for all time (those who accept Jesus' gift and sacrifice and chose to let Him be Lord of their lives.)
3. In spite of recent health issues, I'm still relatively healthy compared to so many other people. Cancer is everywhere - especially in my family - so not having been diagnosed with any as of yet is a reason to be thankful.
4. I have been married to the same man for almost 20 years, practically unheard of these days. It's not always easy, and there have been times in the past when I wanted to call it quits, but we got through those times, and even at his worst, Tim is still better than so many others out there. I know that some days I wonder which is easier, being married or being single again with no one to answer to, and the answer is always the same - married to Tim is better, and deep-down, I know we'll be together forever.
5. I have 3 great kids. Being cooped up in the same house 24/7 with no money to do anything fun together is so hard most of the time, but all 3 are teenagers, none smoke, drink, take drugs, or choose to make really bad decisions. I'm blessed to have such wonderful kids, and I accept them where they're at today.
6. It's been hard accepting help from the state to supplement our grocery bill, it's something I never planned on having to do as an adult, but I'm very thankful for the opportunity to feed my family and not watch them go hungry. I try to be the very best steward of the limited resources we do have, spending as little as possible without any waste. I'm thankful we can eat 3 meals a day, and have snacks, when so many right here in Concho can't.
7. Even though it's hard living with my husband's parents, and always having reminders that it's not our house, I am thankful we have a place to live. I still resent Tim making us 3 (us 2 plus Adam) quit 3 good-paying jobs to move here where there's no jobs, no money, no opportunity, and a huge drug problem - I am thankful we live indoors, it's a home with lots of space, and we have wood and heaters to keep warm this winter. We may not have anywhere to go to get some privacy or quiet alone time, but we have lots of square feet to spread out. It beats living in a 1000 sf trailer out here like most families are doing.
8. Although I doubt I'll ever find a church home like Mountain Valley again, I am happy we're at First Baptist in Show Low. There's people similar to our age, they're friendly, there's at least some kind of youth group, we do fun activities every few months, the messages are thought-provoking, but most of all - the Sunday School (and Wed. night studies) bring about real change. They are helping me grow to be more Christ-like, so I am happy for that.
9. Tim has a job. It may not be 40 hours, nor enough to live on, but it's something. We'll be able to keep our auto insurance, phones, and put gas in the car to go to church and grocery shopping. It isn't much, in fact it's the least we've ever lived on, but it beats being unemployed - like so many are having to deal with - especially now around Christmas.
10. I see so many people dealing with tragedies, loss of a loved one, losing a child unexpectedly, losing a spouse, watching relatives suffering with cancer, and so much more. I'm thankful that our family hasn't had to endure such horrific tragedies. We're not better or more special than any other family, so to have been spared things like this, that makes us blessed, and for that, I am truly thankful.
- perhaps in the next few days, I'll list off other little things to be thankful for - and maybe, just maybe, if I make it a daily attitude, the feelings of thankfulness and being content where I'm at will overcome the depression and resentment that I'm trying so hard to get rid of. I'm not perfect, just human, trying to get better every day. I'm not there yet, but at least I'm in the process and moving forward.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thanksgiving - mixed feelings - the Why of it all.
I have tried to be the encourager to so many over the years, it's something I really work at, but now I think I need one of my own. Today is Thanksgiving. I logically have so much to be thankful for, yet deep down, hidden far beneath the surface, I'm having trouble feeling thankful. Maybe if I talk this out it'll reveal a solution, or better perspective.
This year started so full of hope. Tim & I still had a growing Monavie business that was self-supporting, he had just started working with his father in a new and up-coming text media company that promised more money and freedom than any job. We made plans for travel, to get into a house of our own, to have money to send Adam to college - at least his first semester of community college. And to be able to do something besides spend every day in this cold house all winter, bored and too broke to go to town.
The first 3 or 4 months went well. Money was coming in, things were happening, we were visiting the valley every now and then, we even got to have a full week in the valley for Spring Break! It was a great time, then it all started to unravel around May.
Tim had a new focus and gave up on Monavie, so it died back to almost nothing. I just want to point out that the company is great, the products are all they claim and more, the leadership in place is tremendous, it's US that failed, not the venture.
Then things went sour with his new "boss" (not Dad). They had to part ways and the company's owner turned out to be a person who over promises and under delivers. The software platform became unreliable, as did support. So over the summer, they both quit pursuing this new business, and all our hopes of a home, travel, freedom, and stability was gone, thrown away. I stepped up and started cooking and baking things to sell at our tiny little farmer's market so we didn't lose our auto insurance and phones, but even that would come to an end in the fall.
Around fall, Tim realized that his fears are too big to own a business. He won't talk to strangers, won't do outside sales, and won't call to follow-up because he's afraid they'll quit. Every opportunity God's given us to grow, and become a success, Tim has let fears stop us and he decides his family will just have to settle for less and less, end of story. Well, after losing our home, having to declare bankruptcy, using up all savings and 401K plans, and now having no income - how much less does he think we can deal with? He finally decided to look for a job.
Fortunately, God rewards faithfulness. We never stopped tithing no matter how little we had. When Tim applied for ANY shift, ANY time, ANY days of the week, Walmart hired him for seasonal help, 3rd shift. After a few weeks of hard work, he stood out, and got hired as a full-time, non-seasonal employee. Sounds happy, right? Wrong. Seasonal workers get 40 hrs. a week. Full-time gets cut to 36 so there's no benefits to pay. We finally start to think MAYBE we can earn enough to get our own place, move closer to town, work and church, not have to dump most of his paycheck into the gas tank - and we get another hit. So, Tim pursues a possibility to take a test and some online classes through work so he can become a dept. manager in electronics. So does that pan out? It's never a yes or no - always some kind of "holding pattern". He's told yes, but has to test on company time - then they won't give him the time off the floor to take it - so no change, hours and pay are still cut, and now a bigger percentage of his check is for gas.
Did I mention that during all this, Cancer has ravaged my friends and family? I lost my Grandmother in October, my great-uncle (my favorite relative on that side) is dying of it, my Grandmother's sister is battling a brain tumor, my aunt has breast cancer, my cousin and sister both have pre-cancerous results show up every few months, my other aunt is also sick, and I've already lost an aunt, uncle and grandparent to cancer.
Oh yeah, and I'm getting tested for glaucoma next week because I can't read well anymore because my left eye has gone permanently blurry - while I battle hypertension, adrenal exhaustion, and high blood pressure from all this stress. My waking bp is high, even after a restful night of sleep!
This is my WHY I have trouble feeling thankful. I sit here reading on Facebook how thankful everyone is and tears just start falling. I've spent the last 18 months losing financial stability, friends, family, a purpose, ability to get out of the house, my vision, my health, but...I really do WANT to feel thankful and grateful, because I know things could be SO much worse. I'll write about that later.
This year started so full of hope. Tim & I still had a growing Monavie business that was self-supporting, he had just started working with his father in a new and up-coming text media company that promised more money and freedom than any job. We made plans for travel, to get into a house of our own, to have money to send Adam to college - at least his first semester of community college. And to be able to do something besides spend every day in this cold house all winter, bored and too broke to go to town.
The first 3 or 4 months went well. Money was coming in, things were happening, we were visiting the valley every now and then, we even got to have a full week in the valley for Spring Break! It was a great time, then it all started to unravel around May.
Tim had a new focus and gave up on Monavie, so it died back to almost nothing. I just want to point out that the company is great, the products are all they claim and more, the leadership in place is tremendous, it's US that failed, not the venture.
Then things went sour with his new "boss" (not Dad). They had to part ways and the company's owner turned out to be a person who over promises and under delivers. The software platform became unreliable, as did support. So over the summer, they both quit pursuing this new business, and all our hopes of a home, travel, freedom, and stability was gone, thrown away. I stepped up and started cooking and baking things to sell at our tiny little farmer's market so we didn't lose our auto insurance and phones, but even that would come to an end in the fall.
Around fall, Tim realized that his fears are too big to own a business. He won't talk to strangers, won't do outside sales, and won't call to follow-up because he's afraid they'll quit. Every opportunity God's given us to grow, and become a success, Tim has let fears stop us and he decides his family will just have to settle for less and less, end of story. Well, after losing our home, having to declare bankruptcy, using up all savings and 401K plans, and now having no income - how much less does he think we can deal with? He finally decided to look for a job.
Fortunately, God rewards faithfulness. We never stopped tithing no matter how little we had. When Tim applied for ANY shift, ANY time, ANY days of the week, Walmart hired him for seasonal help, 3rd shift. After a few weeks of hard work, he stood out, and got hired as a full-time, non-seasonal employee. Sounds happy, right? Wrong. Seasonal workers get 40 hrs. a week. Full-time gets cut to 36 so there's no benefits to pay. We finally start to think MAYBE we can earn enough to get our own place, move closer to town, work and church, not have to dump most of his paycheck into the gas tank - and we get another hit. So, Tim pursues a possibility to take a test and some online classes through work so he can become a dept. manager in electronics. So does that pan out? It's never a yes or no - always some kind of "holding pattern". He's told yes, but has to test on company time - then they won't give him the time off the floor to take it - so no change, hours and pay are still cut, and now a bigger percentage of his check is for gas.
Did I mention that during all this, Cancer has ravaged my friends and family? I lost my Grandmother in October, my great-uncle (my favorite relative on that side) is dying of it, my Grandmother's sister is battling a brain tumor, my aunt has breast cancer, my cousin and sister both have pre-cancerous results show up every few months, my other aunt is also sick, and I've already lost an aunt, uncle and grandparent to cancer.
Oh yeah, and I'm getting tested for glaucoma next week because I can't read well anymore because my left eye has gone permanently blurry - while I battle hypertension, adrenal exhaustion, and high blood pressure from all this stress. My waking bp is high, even after a restful night of sleep!
This is my WHY I have trouble feeling thankful. I sit here reading on Facebook how thankful everyone is and tears just start falling. I've spent the last 18 months losing financial stability, friends, family, a purpose, ability to get out of the house, my vision, my health, but...I really do WANT to feel thankful and grateful, because I know things could be SO much worse. I'll write about that later.
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