Air1 radio's "Club Awesome" Dance Party

We love listening to Air1 radio. It's a Christian alternative station. It plays the kind of music I like to listen to without the bad themes and lyrics to worry about. Online they even have channels to pick from to hear all rock, alternative, pop, new music, rap, even Christmas music. You just have to go to www.air1.com. About a month ago, one of the afternoon DJs, Brant Hanson, decided to create "Club Awesome" dance parties in a few select locations. He, along with Producer Sherrie, Seventh Time Down, Manafest, and KJ52 went on tour to meet the fans. Our location was the last night of the tour and we had a great time! It started with Brant at the front door high-fiving everyone as they walked into the FREE event. They had all kinds of nachos they were serving at the door, but we wanted to get close to the stage, so we didn't let the nachos distract us from our mission. There was a DJ to get things going in the beginning, then it kicked off with Brant & Sherrie on stage. Brant is a self-proclaimed nerd, so he came out complete with thick glasses, plaid jacket, and a bow tie. He attracts the odd crowd that loves the Lord, but doesn't quite fit in with the "popular crowds". Jordan has an obsession with this guy that makes her like his number one fan. That "misfit toy" quality that she has about her makes her drawn to Brant's acceptance of others like himself, and it's that very characteristic of Jordan's that makes her so wonderfully unique in my eyes. We also brought Logan because he's always been a party looking for a place to happen. In just a couple of hours, he met a new friend, met two girls (one who asked for his number), met both Brant & Sherrie, ran into a friend's family, and danced Gangnam style which impressed those standing around him. Even though the bands weren't anyone he listens to normally, he did know a few of their songs, appreciated their talents, and enjoyed the show. He had a great time too. As for me? I had a great time. It's been years (literally) since I did ANYTHING in a large crowd of people with such a party (yet safe) atmosphere. In my younger days, I loved being around concerts, bands, dance parties, and loud music. After two years of isolation in the mountains and trying to adjust to a new life here in the Valley, last night was a much-needed night out. I danced, sang, and really enjoyed KJ52, an older guy who's show involves him, a DJ, and a drummer. He infuses his show with both new material, current songs he's written & performed, as well as mixing in lots of 80s and 90s songs and dances. What a great time. Club Awesome also had a mission. They partnered with www.cure.org to help raise money for children born with deformities like severe club foot. These kids are outcasts in their village, taunted and called names for being cursed by the local gods, according to their fellow villagers. These poor kids can't even walk, let alone run or play in most cases. I don't know exactly how much they raised, but they said for the price of a laptop, a child can have a one-time, successful surgery. They told a story of one boy who was called a monster in his village because of his birth defect. After receiving surgery through CURE, he now can be like the other kids and proved that there is a God who heals that's above all other gods that were believed to have cursed him, making him in-curable. His new nickname from the village is "Miracle". Hopefully, Club Awesome raised enough money for several more children to have this opportunity. To read more, go to CURE's website and read about the kids. God Bless.

Progress Update

Last week I was beginning to understand that I should just let go. I don't have to struggle so hard to do everything I should in my own strength, and I'll just end up failing if I try that. Instead I gave everything over to Jesus. I asked Him to be in control, as master and Lord of my life, my heart, my mind, my body, my thoughts, my words, my work, my finances, my relationships, my home, everything. So far, the past week seems to hold less stress than I was experiencing before that decision. I'm sleeping a little better. I'm more calm during the day. I even find that I'm making better choices with hardly any trouble at all, since I'm not struggling with controlling my self-control, if that makes sense. It's easier to stop a train of thought that's not positive and productive. It's easier to say no to temptations. It's easier to be more understanding and forgiving with people. It's easier to not think about the things we don't have yet and focus on how many actual needs are met daily. It's just been a much easier time going through my day to day routine. I like who I am when Jesus is the Lord of my life, and I get to just be the servant and friend. The pressure is off, things turn out better, and the guilt and fears that were holding me back seem to also be minimized. My new theme song is Draw the Line by Disciple (do a YouTube search for it, with lyrics). It's going to be a great next leg of my Spiritual journey. May your journey be filled with peace and joy too.

Not in my own strength

This week's lesson seems to be that I don't have to try to do everything in my own strength. Logically, I know this. I know my sins are forgiven, but I still have the responsibility to work towards being more like Jesus every day. I know I'm not who I used to be, but I'm not who I will become either (yet). The over-achiever in me kicks in every so often and riddles me with guilt over all the places I fall short. I know that's a trick of the enemy to keep me focused on self, and to keep me from being more productive in God's kingdom. But sometimes, it's easy to forget that and focus on what I know I should be doing. I'm learning to let go of all the "shoulds" in my life. We're told to read our bible every day, to pray throughout the day, to only think about things that are pure, holy, righteous, etc., to put others first, not to judge others' actions or words, to not be idle, etc. This week, I've come across the same message in several places (which is usually God telling me something I'm missing is important, so pay attention). That message says that Jesus wants to work in us and through us. We simply CAN'T live out the best Christian life in our own strength - so why do we try so hard to do that? We know our faith isn't about works, yet society has taught us that it's all about the doing, the getting things done, achieving more, and there lies the struggle. So this week, I begin a journey down a new path. I'm letting go of the stress, the guilt, the mental war in my head, over what I haven't done or what I'm not doing every single day. This week, I let go. I let Jesus have total authority to clean up the inside of my head and my heart. To clean the slate of the past. To show me what it means to rest and abide in him, trusting that just by being close to Him, I'll grow, and change, and my heart will lean towards those things we're told to do - naturally, out of love for Him. From now on, I won't be asking for Jesus to help me do things I think I should be doing, even if they really are good things. Instead, I'll ask Jesus what He's doing, and ask if I can help Him. I become the servant as it should be. Maybe then I'll find that peace that surpasses all understanding and that deep, abiding joy. Free from guilt. Free from consuming thoughts of self. Free from stress of the "have to". Free to be what He wants me to be, and free to live His purposes. May you be blessed this week too.

I Found My Answer (for now)...

In my last post, I was wondering what the bible said about women working outside the home. It led me down 2 totally opposing paths. One set of writings was coming from the point of view that says a woman's calling while she has children is to be and take care of the home. She should not feel guilty about finding ways to make money "from home". They use both the examples in Titus 2 and Proverbs 31. They quote that biblically, women were in charge or running the home while the men worked in the fields, or in town, or outside the home - and they were responsible for the education/teaching of the children, especially in growing their faith. The other set, oddly enough, quoted the very same 2 places in the bible, and said that the bible doesn't "specifically say a woman CAN'T work outside the home." And went into the what if questions: What if the kids are grown? What if she has no kids? What if the husband is ill and can't work? What about single Moms? etc. I have to say, the second set sounded a little off in my spirit because of the wording I kept running across. It reminded me of the garden of Eden where the serpent says, "Did God REALLY say that?" - using semantics and just enough truth to seem like a loophole. I also have to admit, group two dealt with issues from a more modern, worldly perspective, where we can't all just raise sheep and cattle from home. And living in a tent in a field isn't always an option to avoid working and paying the going rental rates. I ended up still unclear...then God brought something to my attention. I recently re-read a book called Chasing Daylight by Erwin McManus. In his book he wrote about how to figure out what we're called to do or not to do. Sometimes we're called but not right now. He suggested doing whatever you can to not get in God's way of blessing something. For example, if you think you're supposed to me a missionary in Africa, get your passport up to date, maybe take a few basic classes about it, put your name in with a missionary agency, then see if God blesses it. Staying home, keeping the idea to yourself, and never putting your name, desire, and application out there can't necessarily stop the power of God from making it happen - but doesn't it make sense that He probably won't arrange for a stranger to happen to knock on your door and ask if you "know anyone looking to go to Africa"? Makes sense, right? So I took that advice and here's what I did. I did research and found ways to make money from home. I've signed up to earn money doing surveys, reading emails from companies, and product testing. I also signed up and applied for temporary jobs in my area for product demos, merchandising displays, etc. - they're one day jobs that major companies hire out - so my name's in their file. I also have a little in some penny stocks I've studied, understand, believe in, and found highly recommended by experts. I also applied for a part-time job at a small, nearby, large chain mini-supermarket that pays more than most. Lastly, I continued introducing new people to my home-based business. Now I've put myself "out there" for God to decide what to bless and what to not bless. If he finds a way to put my limited-experience application to the top of the list for an interview, I will follow through knowing under normal circumstances, many applicants should be a lot more qualified than I am. If I never get called, and the home-based ideas pay off - then God will again get the glory and credit for that. I really don't have a strong opinion either way if I feel peace in my spirit that God is leading the way. I'll follow Him anywhere He leads, no matter what.

Discernment can be elusive.

Discernment: Discernment means to be able to distinguish between right and wrong, good and evil. It is having a logical, judicial ability to think through issues. It is the ability to “discern” whether a saying, teaching, doctrine, written word, or event is good or evil; true or false; and if the source, meaning or intentions are of God, the person or Satanic deception. There is an ability to “read between the lines” and get to the truth of an issue. The“gut” tells them when something doesn’t seem to be right. There is an urgency to pray and ask for wisdom. Usually, I do okay with this, but right now, not so much. So many issues are spiritually black and white for me, biblically sound advice to others has been a gifting I've received in the past, but lately... My big decision is about working outside the home. I want to help out because we need just a bit more than we can comfortably save and have Tim earn. We can't control what jobs he gets, how it lays out during the week to make or miss payroll deadlines, etc. I'd be happy to help out part-time so we don't have to put off things like when the kids need clothes, get haircuts, or when our grocery budget for the house is only $50/week - with 3 teenagers. Fortunately, I do amazing with coupons and that $50 gets us about $100 worth of food. Here's the thing...I was called (against my will and better judgement, in the beginning) to stop working and raise my children. Then my call became to homeschool all 3 at my husband's request. He decided with 100% certainty that he wanted me home to teach them. I spent the last 15 years doing just that, and I know without a doubt that is my first and most important calling above all else right now. I only have another 3 1/2 years to go and I'll be done forever. In the past, my husband decided to try to send me to work a few times. I excelled, got promoted quickly, got raises, made great money (mostly waitressing at tea houses). But somehow, I knew it was wrong for me, that my job willed by God was to be home with the children He entrusted to me. The results? The first job had to close their doors due to the bad economy. The second job, just when I was told I was going to earn more in a week going full-time than I was making in a month part-time, my husband moved us to the middle of nowhere and I had to quit. They had to close their doors shortly after, and yes, I think they would've stayed open if I had stayed because many of the end decisions would have been very different. Then more recently I was told I needed to look for a job again, and the car started leaking and having problems we couldn't afford to fix. Finally, most recently, my health became a reason not to work - even to the point where I thought I had ovarian cancer and the doctor expected those results too. God intervened and cured that problem - He's so amazing! - and now the conversation is reopened. I haven't "fixed" the original health issue and can't afford to anytime soon, it's over $1000 to have a 40% chance of fixing it, and that may be only temporary. It just seems that every time I consider working, something bad happens, or my husband's paycheck get cut in half, or worse. I'm afraid to look because the car might die, or something equally as bad. Then when I decide to stop looking and decide staying home is God's will - almost immediately, problems clear up, my health improves, the car stops showing signs of leaking and breaking, my husband's checks almost double in size, and we get caught up again. But am I reading too much into normal circumstances? Is it just ME that doesn't want to work, or is it really GOD showing me over and over that it's not HIS will for me, only my husband's feelings of financial insecurity in a depressed economy? I pray and seek answers from God - but discernment is something I need right now (especially with Christmas coming so soon). I welcome any comments, insights, and advice - as long as it comes from a biblical perspective. Any thoughts?

A Month of Silence

I've been in about a month of silence, but now it's over. About 8 weeks ago, my doctor requested an ultrasound and happened to discover that I had a complex ovarian cyst that was 9 cm long. When we compared the symptoms that I'd been accumulating over the past few months, all of them (5 or 6) are typically signs of ovarian cancer. The "complex" part of a cyst means that there's a mass within it that's not liquid, it's solid. Knowing I didn't have endometriosis, nor fibroids, I was very concerned. I had to face the realistic possibility that I'd be told I had cancer - and what would I do with that? The waiting was 7 weeks. That's when the 2nd ultrasound was to be scheduled to see if the cyst grew (which would indicate fast-growing cancer), stayed the same - then we'd have to repeat expensive ultrasounds over the course of the next year to monitor it, or if it had begun to slowly shrink and resolve itself. For those 7 weeks, I didn't tell anyone. I didn't want them to worry if it turned out to be nothing. I also didn't want to share the news until I really had thought it through, searched my heart, and discovered where I'd go from here, regardless of the outcome. If it resolved itself, great. I could move on with my life with just a minimal procedure to fix another issue and be done. My strength and energy levels would rise and my pain, cramping, and food issues would probably subside. If it stayed the same, I'd continue in silence with only my household, my mother, and in-laws having any indication what was going on. I'm learning to wait to see what God will do. Waiting isn't easy for any of us, so it's a good lesson. If it turned out to be the worst-case scenario and I had cancer, I actually think I was ready. I discussed with Tim what I was prepared to do and not do, what type of treatments I do and don't believe in, and what good could come from it. Deep down, I felt that even if I was found with cancer, God would eventually heal it. He'd put me in some very unique circumstances and circles to just crash and burn it all so quickly. I also decided that I would bring my children, family, and friends along the journey with me so they could see what faith, trust, hope, and miracles look like. I decided that I would use this situation to reach others and bring God all the glory. I decided what in my schedule would stay and what would be let go. I decided to re-prioritize my life to be sure I was doing the important, not just the urgent. I decided to do what I felt was most important to me and to God. Not just do what everyone else expected me to do and accomplish. It was a great time of quiet, self-reflection. I'm glad Tim's on the road for 3 weeks at a time during this process too. It makes it easier to find the alone time needed to think and plan without daily influence that may not be exactly what I'm wanting to do. Friday was my 2nd ultrasound, 7 weeks from the first one. The best I could hope for was that it had begun to shrink, at least a percentage of it, large enough to know that it would eventually resolve itself. Imagine my shock when my doctor's assistant called and said, "the cyst has resolved itself". Not it's resolvING, not it was shrinking, it has already resolved itself - past tense! She said it's gone, and I won't require any further treatment regarding it or my ovaries in the foreseeable future! Was it a miracle? Maybe. Was it a test? Possibly. Was it a gift to force me to take time to think through my life? Absolutely! I'm very thankful today to know I don't have cancer growing inside me (a real possibility with it being so prevalent on all sides of my family), but I'm also very thankful for the opportunity to learn just how much I trust God and can let Him take care of my life without worry. I fully expected the worst case, yet there was no fear. I know where I'm going and felt blessed to have the opportunity if I would be taking part in a miracle that I really believed He'd do in my body. As a side note, the only thing I did differently during those 7 weeks was drink more Monavie - that superfood, antioxidant-rich health beverage I was blessed with a few years ago. It's got an ingredient called Wellmune (www.wellmune.com)that's been found very effective in the healing & prevention of certain "things". Symptoms kept me from eating properly, sleeping well, exercising, etc. So whether I was healed by God supernaturally, or by His bringing Monavie into my world, it doesn't matter. Either way, I'm healed, I'm healthier, I'm blessed, and I'm at peace. A month of silence is over. I give God all the glory for watching over me, protecting me, and helping me spend the second half of my life living for HIS purposes. Living on-purpose.

What Season Are You In?

I have seen that things in life are so changing, that we don't often get to dwell in a place of safety and security for very long. This is especially true in the Christian walk. Many times we find ourselves in a season. I've had many seasons. Here's just a few to explain what I mean:

A season where I had to work while trying to homeschool 3 kids - but that season ended, twice, by the place having to close down and by us moving away.

A season where we lost our home, had to move in with my in-laws, without much hope of things getting better, and bearing the guilt of being a burden to others - that season ended when God rearranged everything in our world and lined up a chain of events to help us move, find a new career, and a home greater than we could've afforded.

A season of struggles with our teenagers, all 3 of them at different times - but this too made its way around the circle as each grew in maturity, responsibility, and each developed a new outlook.

A season of strengthening our marriage, including a church gift of sending us to a marriage retreat at precisely the right time to change our direction.

A season of being in the exact center of God's will, where everything came together to bring Him glory, and every thing I did brought me joy and peace, while serving others to fill their needs.

So as you can see, bad or good, we live in seasons when we follow God. What season are you in? Is it one of struggles? One of peace? One of sadness? One of incredible blessings flowing? One of fear? One of overcoming and achieving your goals? One of rest from the storms of life? One of a new adventure and you're not quite sure how it'll turn out yet? Whatever your season, embrace it. Know that God has a plan and a purpose for you. Trust that He hasn't forgotten about you, and He's preparing the way ahead for you. Find contentment in the small blessings you're receiving day to day. Take on that spirit of thankfulness. Appreciate what you have rather than be let down over what you wish you were handed in life. Once you can determine the season you're in, make peace with it. Either enjoy the ride - or else, know that this too shall pass - and then you'll enter a new season that can be even better.

May you be blessed with protection, joy, comfort, provision, better health, and love. Have a great week, Dear One.

Appreciating the Little Things

Every so often, life fades into the background just long enough for me to see what's going on in and around me. Today, I'm in a place of appreciation and thankfulness. I know, many times we read something like that and think, "What do I have to be thankful for? If you only knew what I was going through." Let me tell you some of the things I can appreciate and see if any are things you too can be thankful for.

1. I have a lot of friends dealing with cancer right now. Who doesn't, these days, right? I'm thankful that they have the gift of knowing every day counts, and they often use them to grow their relationships with those closest to them. I can appreciate the struggles I haven't had to endure so far. If your one of those people struggling with cancer yourself, hear me when I say I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It isn't fair. I pray for your healing and if that doesn't happen, I pray you have time to be a blessing and receive blessings from relationships that matter most to you. If you're standing by having to watch someone go through it wishing you could take it from them instead, you're a wonderful part of their world that can make things easier on them just knowing how much you care. I don't know what my future holds, but I appreciate every day I have to connect with people. Life is short, make the very best of what you've got.

2. I also have lots of friends who've recently lost family members. Some to old age, some to sickness, some to unexpected accidents. My heart is heavy for them. I can't fix the world, I can't undo the harshness of this life, but I'm thankful for both what I've been spared so far, and also for what I can do to be there for those friends. What about you? Is there someone around you that needs a hug? That's lonely? That could use some help running errands or helping out with kids? Can you prepare some meals to make their life a little easier? What can be done to ease the suffering just a bit? I appreciate being able to bring a little light into someone's dark world. If you're the one who's recently lost someone, again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Let people know how they can help. Let them. Not only will it be a blessing to you, but it'll bless them by allowing this chance to serve you. We weren't made to suffer alone.

3. So many divorces today. I'd love to say that Christians don't have to worry about that, but sadly, the statistics show that people who claim to follow the Bible's teachings aren't significantly lower than those who live life as their own god. It happens to people every day. My own marriage hasn't always been perfect, but it has been worth it. I didn't give up when I thought I would. I didn't quit when it seemed easier to do that. Instead, I've been blessed with a God, friends, and family that have surrounded me when I needed it, even though many of them didn't know it. I appreciate that God always seems to arrange things to grow my marriage and closeness with my spouse. Is he trying to reach out to you? Or someone you love? Is he trying to bring a season of reconciliation? If so, trust him to carry you through the tough storms. You're not alone.

4. On a lighter note, there's many less-serious things on my mind that I'm also thankful for - things I appreciate in my life. Do any of these sound familiar?

I made it through another day. I have a place to sleep indoors. I ate today, more than once. I have a choice of what to wear today because I have the privilege of owning more than one outfit. I have great kids that aren't perfect, but they're great kids. I paid the bills on time. This wasn't always possible - but it was this time. I have a car that runs so I'm not having to walk, or take buses and cabs everywhere. I have family that loves and supports me. I have friends that are always there for me and I can be there for them. I have a great home church and even a great home-away-from-home church with wonderful friends that have been closer than family at times. I have two arms, two legs, a working mind, I can breathe on my own, I can see all God's creation around me, I can hear the voices of those I love - or a great piece of music, I have at least one person in my world that cares for me, and even if I lost all of that - I have a loving God, who sent His Son to save me for all eternity. One who loves me in spite of my failures. A loving Father who's always there for me, waiting to spend time with me, anxious to love me unconditionally - and so do you. For that, if that was ALL I had, I'm truly appreciative and thankful.

What do you have to be thankful for today?

Sometimes It's Overwhelming

Sometimes, I feel my responsibilities can be so overwhelming. I have two teenagers to homeschool, and I know I've only got another 2 and 4 years to finish training up in the way they should go before they're 18 and out in the real world, and that's such a dangerous place these days. Having watched my 18 year old turn from a lifetime of teachings to follow "truth" as he sees it, based on nothing but peer pressure and Facebook postings, I worry. He still tries to live a life of right vs wrong himself, but he's lost that line between the two. He believes that if enough people are doing something (more likely, if the MEDIA SAYS a majority of people are doing or feeling something), then it's now okay. Morality is based on popular vote, I guess. Church and faith aren't important when you plan on living a long life - you have decades to have fun, then when you're old and in the hospital, you can start worrying about faith. It's so overwhelming to try to teach your children to hang onto biblical truths. They'd much rather be accepted, not stand out.

Anyway, so I'm teaching my youngest about being content. I have her reading through a book with me that I read recently and really enjoyed. It helped me focus on all God does for us and to have a better attitude, yet through my daughter's eyes, it's only about contentment - and until this book - I never realized just what a stronghold discontent had on her. She's spent the past few weeks struggling with materialism on the border of mild hoarding issues. Not that she buys stuff, most of it's given to her, but that she can't let go of things - even when they hold no significance to her. I watched her struggle to clean her room, fighting to give away things that weren't given to her by anyone special, didn't belong to anyone she really knew, no attachment other than it was "her stuff". She's also battled with walking around in stores and malls. I had no idea the struggle inside her because, as she put it, "it's so depressing going there because I want everything I see." Who would've guessed that was going on in the life of a girl that grew up in a single-income family that's always struggled to have just enough to pay the bills? We've never had extra money to blow on just "stuff", but I guess through the generosity of others, she has had more than her share of collections - like Strawberry Shortcake, Littlest Pet Shop, Barbie things, etc. She's trying so hard to break free of the materialism. I've become very proud of her for choosing to turn her life around and follow Christ more closely than ever before. She's in the beginning stages of making her faith her own. Watching the struggle as her Mom can be overwhelming.

Then there's my middle child. Enough said? Such a wonderful, helpful, loving, hopeful spirit in him - yet he struggles with his faith to make it his own, too. He battles his ego, his "look at me" attitudes that seem to be more popular with middle children. (Think Peter and Jan Brady on the Brady Bunch.) He's made recent decisions to explore and grow his faith as well. We're doing a study together called The Me I Want to Be by John Ortberg. We're only on Chapter 4 in the book and through the first DVD session, but it's already turning out to be a great study for him. Hopefully, he'll find out it's okay to be who he is instead of constantly trying to become what he thinks he should be, or who he wished he could be, or even who others want him to be. The acceptance factor in this study is wonderful, and seems to be meeting him right where he's at. Although I see him growing more spiritually mature, the worry that it'll "stick" after watching his older brother's backsliding is also overwhelming.

My husband...what a wonderful man he is. He's living a very lonely, difficult life right now as an over-the-road flatbed driver because he was out of options to make enough of a living to afford a home for us. We're only renting for now, which is actually more expensive than ownership, but until we get back on our feet from a financial hit 2 years ago - it's the best we can do. He's away from family, friends, church, bible study, and fellowship most of the time now. He manages to make it home for church about every 3rd weekend. We're thankful for that, but it can't be easy. I know he'd rather sleep at home, in his own bed, enjoying the home he's working to provide. Thinking about how long it may be before he's able to take a similar job driving where he can be home at night, or even just more often...that's overwhelming, too.

Lastly, there's me. I have a huge responsibility ahead. I'll be leading the Women's evening bible study at our church in just a few weeks, yet I just found out it was going to be my total responsibility for it all. At first it was going to be a partnership with one or two other women. Now it's up to me. I enjoy the challenge and I'm thankful for the opportunity to serve the women of our church that can't make the day study. It's just that I take this as a big responsibility. I want to select just the right study, topic, format, night of the week, and frequency that God wants for the women he'll bring to this group. I want to help them where they're at. I can only guess it'll be a group of women who work (since they can't be at the day study), not too young (because they'd need to be home in the evening with their small children), and not too old (many don't drive at night). It's only a guess, but I'm thinking maybe, just maybe, it'll be a group of working women, with very busy lives, lots of demands, struggling to be workers, Mom's, managers of their homes, wives, and followers of Christ. They may fall between 30 and 50 years old. Coming in from so many different walks of life, at different points on their journey, I don't know what they'll need. That's VERY overwhelming. Picking just the right thing to spark a fire in their spirit. I know that's ultimately God's job to do that, not mine, but I feel the responsibility to make this work for them. If it bombs, they may not return to anything like this for a long time, if ever. I've been in prayer and deep thought over this all week, and will continue to do so, hoping for just the right study to be revealed to me by the weekend. I know God can give me wisdom and discernment in this, but still, I don't take it lightly. It's also overwhelming.

Father, I need your help. There's so many things I'm feeling pressure to teach, and do, and be. I feel for my husband in his struggles to. I know you've already seen and planned how all these things turn out. I pray now for wisdom and discernment to sort through all that's before me and choose what YOU want for the lives of everyone involved. Give me the right words and thoughts to complete your work in the lives of others. Stop me from leading anyone down paths other than what you would have planned for them. Reveal to me the true, most important purposes in each situation. I ask you to bring as many women to the study as you know can benefit from it. Help me to be a friend and sister alongside the women, a helpmate and best friend to my husband during his trying times, a mentor to my kids during their times of learning more about you and their faith, and help me deepen my own understanding and relationship with your son, Jesus, as all this comes about. Thank you for the opportunities and responsibilities you've given me to serve your people for your glory - never my own. May you be honored and glorified by all I do. I pray everyone involved will be drawn closer to you. Thank you in advance, In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Giving thanks for all the miracles of just past 7 years.

This seems to be a year of 3's and 7's for me. I picked up my faith journal where I've been writing down prayer needs & requests, as well as answered prayers, needs that were met, and absolute miracles. It's been just about 7 years since I started it. There's never going to be enough time or space here to list them all, but I want to give you an idea of just how much I've witnessed God moving in my life and in those I care about for the past 7 years. I'll try as best I can to keep people's anonymity:

2005 - J's daughter sober for 18 days in a row for the 1st time in years (was into drugs, excessive drinking, was in jail, often homeless, now she's clean, sober, working, has her own place, and is also back in school. Complete miracle on this one!), A. tried for a baby & had 2 miscarriages, hoping to get pregnant (now has 4 children!), T. thought for sure her 2 daughters would never speak to her again after divorcing their father & moving out of state. (since then, totally restored relationships), our kids were being bullied by the next door neighbor's kids - within 30 days, the couple split up & she moved out with her 4 kids, D's mission trip to Guatemala - over 3800 accepted Jesus in just about a 2 week time span!, prayed for C's friend who's 12 year old had cancer - tests returned negative suddenly & gaining his strength back!, My Aunt was fighting cancer, then 1st tests back said she was cancer-free, needed money & a buyer came out of nowhere to purchase our old, unwanted camper,

2006 - prayed for a friend's return to God after husband walked out, returned to church & got baptized!, needed a car & found a $25,000 van for just $13,000 still on the lot, new!, mother needs to move out of a falling apart mobile home (circumstances arranged themselves so she could move to FL and even get paid for the trailer she left behind), a friend's son was in a serious accident that left him with severe brain damage - healed faster than expected and now is just fine, a friend's Dad was dying and never wanted to hear about being "born again" - was saved just before he died through his daughter-in-law!, Relatives I've been trying to find for over 15 years suddenly and accidentally, I was put in touch with them again!, a friend's truck was stolen - found quickly and not a lot of damage to it, still driving it,

2007 - I got bit by a brown recluse spider and it went necrotic instantly - no insurance/no money - prayed and it got better in 3 days by itself, no longer black or even red skin!, a friend lost her husband unexpectedly just 3 days before giving birth to their 8th child! God provided for them with home construction help, money, healing for her and the kids, a healthy birth for #8, and so much more! my migraines & scleroderma miraculously healed,

2008 - spiritual curse broken over a friend through our small group praying over her, my sister's results showed "pre-cancerous cells" then after prayer, re-testing showed negative!, this year our business really grew and we were able to make up for income loss happening at my husband's job, friends separated, but after lots of prayer, they reconciled, he went to counseling, and now 4 years later, their marriage is strong, had a "cash" Christmas,

2009 - I was very disturbed when I was forced to go to work, lots of bad came from that, but in January, the place had to shut down and I was allowed to come home again, cousin told he had thyroid cancer - then it suddenly disappeared!,

2010 - a very sick person at church was thought to have MRSA & a very bad staff infection - healed, no MRSA, church needed to raise $5K for the Africa Hope Center, but raised $18K, my middle child got baptized!, cousin's baby born way too early, lots of life-threatening issues - now years later, she's perfectly normal, son found a job even though under difficult circumstances,

2011 - Pastor's daughter had a life-threatening health issue that almost took her life, but she made a full recovery!, with no jobs available to me or my husband and being 35 miles from the nearest city, God found ways to provide for our needs every month, saw a friend leave a destructive, hurtful, selfish marriage partner & now she's the happiest she's ever been, a friend's son was hit by a car & had 4 broken vertebrae, home & okay quicker than expected, no money for curriculum, and people GAVE me their old stuff as well as found amazing deals so I got $500 worth for under $100, husband found a job!, after almost calling it quits myself, our marriage was healed, restored, and strengthened - best now it's ever been, my sister's mother-in-law has been healed of cancer, had severe vision problems but eyes got better on their own,

2012 - husband got opportunity for free career-changing school, new job, we moved back to our friends & better weather, got a great home to rent from a friend for way less than market value to help us get on our feet again, 2 friends in car accidents, both are okay now, tax refund was enough for moving expenses/moving in expenses, blessed with an unexpected 5 day trip with husband, company-paid, during his training, husband just missed a tornado in TX by about 2 hours!, son got 75% tuition covered for drama class - can work it off, and it's not over yet!!!

Is This Goodbye to our Freedom of Speech?

In light of today being "support Chick-Fil-A" day, I thought I'd just pour out what's been on my mind. Are people really so blind to our constitutional rights being taken away?

Everyone's in a frenzy because the CEO of Chick-Fil-A said that personally, he believes in traditional family values, which would include marriage as being between a man and a woman. He also said those values are why they're closed on Sundays. Not to mandate their employees go to church, but so they have the freedom to do so without work interference. So that they can have time with their families one day a week. What was supposed to be a positive comment has been spun and twisted and the media's spent all week stirring up trouble saying that Chick-Fil-A and it's owners are using "hate speech" and that they're not showing their Christian values if they don't accept and embrace the gay lifestyle. WHAT????!!! Even my 18 year old, who I raised to think for himself, fell for the media lies and thought the owner had come forward and actually said he hates gays. When I tried to explain what was said, in what context, it sounded so foreign to what "everyone else" was saying, he assumed because the lies were louder and in print, they must be the truth.

Yes, the bible says to hate the sin and love the person - but that is very different from saying Christians are supposed to embrace the unnatural relationships of the gay lifestyle! In fact, it's God himself, who CREATED the concept of marriage in the first place, that called it unnatural for a to lay with a man or a woman to lay with a woman. Christians are not supposed to support and donate to causes that fight for that. On the flip side, I wouldn't expect a gay bar owner to say he despises that lifestlyle and give money to organizations that fight for traditional family values either. I wouldn't attack him for being a "hater" over it. I'm so tired of one side standing up for their beliefs and being called every bad name imaginable, yet when "the other side" - regardless of who they are - disagrees, they're supposed to be looked at as if they're superheroes saving the world from corruption. People have the right to free speech and to believe as they choose without the government telling them how they are allowed to talk and believe. They can't mandate a government religion - but isn't that what they're doing? The mayors of 3 major cities are using their government position to forbid free enterprise (by not allowing Chick-Fil-A to open a single location in their district) because they personally disagree with a person's (the CEO) personal belief based on their own religion. It doesn't get more unconstitutional than that! And by the way, Rosanne Barr, who no one's heard from in ten years or more, using profanity saying people who eat there "deserve to die of cancer" doesn't make me change my mind. It just makes me see what a low-class, drama queen she really is with no idea what's constitutional and what's just plain inflammatory propaganda. As for me and my household, we'll be supporting Chick-Fil-A today, thank you.

Shmita: The 7th or sabbath year

The sabbath year is the 7th year cycle that the Hebrews were to celebrate. During that year, the land and all agricultural activity was forbidden (and they were in an agricultural society). Any related work to improve the land or crops wasn't allowed, however, you were allowed to do what was necessary to prevent damage or harm - like watering, weeding, mowing, etc., just not planting, plowing, and harvesting. Also, any fruit that grew "on its own" that year was allowed to be picked by anyone.

Another part of this rest involved debts and loans. Personal debts due at the end of that year were forgiven and nullified. Those who had become slaves to repay loans or debts were set free at the end of that year too. The book of Leviticus promises a bountiful harvest to those who faithfully observe the shmita, it's a test of faith.

Here are some references if you're interested in reading more:

Exodus 23:10 - 11
Leviticus 25:20-22
Deuteronomy 31:10-13
Jeremiah 34:13-14
Nehemiah 10:32
2 Chronicles 36:20-21
2 Kings 19:20-30

I feel like this is our Shmita for our family. We've worked harder than usual the past few years, been through awful struggles, and got to the point where there was no where left to go but up. The worst of our struggles began in 2005, exactly 7 years ago...see where I'm going with this? It started with a life-changing discovery that threatened to break our family apart, then a time of being closer than ever to God (which always brings attacks & temptations by the enemy), then struggles over doing what's necessary to survive, submitting to my husband's insistence that I had to go to work - yet knowing my true, God-given purpose was to be a full-time, stay-at-home, homeschooling Mom to our 3 kids at very important times in their lives. It's been 6 years of financial struggles. The more hours we put in, the more other things beyond our control happened to cause us to earn less and less. Then we lost our house, and we had to go through bankruptcy - something I never thought I'd have to go through. But then came 2012.

This year, Tim was willing to do things way beyond his comfort zone to change careers, and
we had things fall into place that couldn't have happened any other way but by divine intervention. Things like finding our new home for the best price imaginable. I felt that God was telling me that this year, there would be a time of rest for our family and He brought me to places in the bible (and sermons, and books, etc.) where this Sabbath rest was discussed. I had sort of remembered hearing something about it, but never thought of it in today's terms.

I believe that after years of major struggles, we were found faithful. During this time of one calamity after another, my faith grew, my peace increased, I let go of control (as if it was mine in the first place), Tim grew in his faith, we were faithful in tithing even when we didn't have enough to buy food or pay bills - yet God was faithful to provide in those times. During the past 6 years, I attended Bible Study, grew in our small group, Tim attended several men's bible studies, I was absolutely blessed by God's Holy Spirit to write a few devotionals, talk in groups about His faithfulness to us, write a Genesis study that I got to teach to 50 women, our marriage grew closer, bad habits were broken, and last fall, Tim & I even renewed our vows at a marriage retreat. God must have been at least a little pleased with our response to the troubles thrown our way, because He's got us in a season of peace and blessing and trust. I haven't been this at peace since I found myself at the center of His will many years ago. God is so good.

What will the rest of this year hold? I don't know, but for the first time in my life, I'm not concerned about it. I can't control it, I don't know the whole picture, but I know that God knows it, and that's enough. We still have unexpected weeks where the paycheck that should be $800 comes back at $400, Tim's truck breaks down, there's a week where there's nothing left for groceries, but you know what? God steps in and makes Himself known in those situations too. He'll give us a bigger than normal check the next week, Tim ends up getting paid for finishing the load plus get detention pay, and we win a free $10 worth of groceries at our favorite grocery store.

Everyone's in a different season, I know this, but what season is this for you? Have you had a year of rest in the past? Are you in your 6 year struggle? Are you ready for your own Shmita? I don't know God's plans for you, but if you read Jeremiah 29: 11, He knows the plans He has for you. Not plans to harm you, but plans to give you a hope and a future. God bless.

A Great Book to Prepare the Way

I'm in a holding pattern of sorts right now. I know I'll be launching into some great new stuff heading into fall, like being in, if not facilitating, a small group Bible Study.
But for right now, I'm in the preparation stages. I know, I've been here before. I'm at a new stage of learning who God is, where Jesus is in all this, and to renew my heart and mind before I begin the tasks I've been assigned. Part of this preparation includes a great book my friend Pam let me borrow. I have no idea what she thought I was asking for when I thought I was asking for suggestions regarding a certain topic of study for my homeschoolers - but as usual - God worked through Pam to get me what I needed. This book is called Calming My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow. I'm only half-way through it, but it's already making internal changes in me that I know I need before undertaking projects in this new chapter of my spiritual walk. Some of the topics include contentment where you're at, striving for heavenly, not earthly treasures, appreciating what you have, forgiveness, growing relationships, and more.

I think it's amazing how God can use someone who came from such a messed up background like I had. And it feels very reassuring to know that he finds ways to help me prepare for the assignments He gives me. I'm not confident in what I can do, but I'm very confident in what God can do, if I just remain open to His direction, trust His leading, and stay out of my own way (with fears and insecurities). He's allowed me to witness miracles, changed lives, and things that the word "coincidence" couldn't BEGIN to describe!

I may not know the whole plan, but I do know this: God has a plan. It's going to be for the best. And I'm happy to get to be a part of it, even if it's just one step at a time.

Feeling Truly Blessed

This week I have felt truly blessed. After a very rough couple of years, my life is in a place of rest. A place to reconnect with God's holy spirit, to appreciate His blessings and gifts in my life, and to strengthen my relationship with Jesus.

I've been taking time to list things I'm thankful for - and the list is over 100 items long already. Here's just a few of them:

palm trees, cool mornings, warm & sunny days, a home of our own, having Tim home for 5 days, family dinners, birds singing, green grass, having good kids (in spite of all of them being teenagers), access to so many healthy & organic food choices for my family, Tim's job being enough to pay our bills, friends I love, miracles I've seen, and so many more!

Take time to give thanks for what you have that's good in your life. If you're in a place where that's hard right now, write them down - even the littlest things.

Philippians 4:8
Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things.

Taking a breather

I'm just so thankful that God allows me to "take a breather" when I need one. I was super-busy when we first moved here, trying to get the house in order, the unnecessary stuff had to be stored in the shed, or thrown out, or donated to Goodwill. I had to be sure the kids finished up this year's homeschool stuff, and Tim was gone for a 2-week run (still has another week to go), so I had to learn to be a single parent to three very emotional teenagers while he's away. This weekend, I get to take a breather. I'll get a few chores done around here, but I'll get to spend some time with the kids, maybe watch a movie, do some cooking, enjoy church Sunday morning, and then plan out the next week. Trying to create a new schedule to keep the kids from being bored (yet again) seems to be a high priority right now. I like that although I believe I'm here to make a difference in the lives of new friends, neighbors & acquaintances, I get time to just rest, relax, and recharge first. I have such a hard time finding the happy medium between being too busy and bored. This time, living here in town, I plan on allowing God to dictate how, when, and where we spend our time. I'm not going to just jump into everything I can and hope God blesses my efforts. Instead, I'll learn to wait on His direction - to be sure I'm doing what HE wants me to be doing, not just what I happened to come across. My hope is that the next (and last) 4 years of our homeschooling journey will be wonderful, and my kids will grow into mature Christians who want to live a life of servant leadership for and to those around them. I pray to become a good example for them. I hope our marriage continues to grow stronger and closer in the process, in spite of Tim's new work schedule having him on the road most of the time. Only by obedience, trust, faithfulness, and prayer can I become what I was meant to become in order to fulfill my true purpose in this new season of my life. So what season are you in? What do you hope to do or become this year? What are you thankful for? I'd love to hear from you!

My Glorious!

If you aren't familiar with the song My Glorious by Delirious (or Chris Tomlin), the chorus reads:

God is bigger than the air I breathe, this world I'll leave.
God will save the day, and all will say, "My Glorious!"

How true those words are, and they hit me at 4 a.m. this morning.

If you've been following my regular blog, my last post here, or my Facebook page, you'll see we're moving back to civilization. It's been an incredible journey for me spiritually - from Thanksgiving til now, and it's not over yet. I went from miserable depression and loneliness, to the happiest I've been in a couple of years. And it's all because God stepped in, again.

Here's a quick overview to recap:
1. Thanksgiving Day I woke up feeling lonely, depressed about the loss of so many friends and having no family of my own, and no church family close enough to spend time with on a regular basis.
2. I asked God if He would be willing to step in and change things for us and I would agree to follow and trust, wherever those changes led.
3. God put a plan in motion that resulted in my husband's willingness to change careers, go back to school for a month (while working 3rd shift on his days off, 200 miles away, riding a motorcycle in 30 degree weather/rain/snow showers to save money), and a full scholarship/grant to pay for trucking school. This goes WAY against his normal comfort zone.
4. Of all the company's Tim was looking at to work for, God brought Roehl out of the woodwork for us. I prayed for him to shut down and block all the wrong opportunities and make HIS choice clear, and make that path wide open so we couldn't miss it.
5. Roehl turned out to offer the best pay, best home time, best family-friendly attitude, and shortest training schedule so Tim could start making money as a solo driver sooner.
6. God then turned these events into an opportunity to move back to the city where I now believe (and did 2 years ago as well), that we were never supposed to leave. I believe He brought us to Mesa for a purpose and leaving was Tim's plan, not God's.
7. A friend then blessed us with her and her husband's resources totally out of the blue by offering us an unbelievable deal on renting a home from them. We're getting a 1672 sf home, 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, wonderful yard, at the end of a cul-de-sac, just a few blocks from everything we need, for about 1/3 less than they could easily have rented it out for. Then they offered to totally remodel and renovate - new kitchen, new master bath, yard work, new tile, new paint throughout, the works. I pray God blesses everything they touch in a mighty way.

Then at 4 a.m. I realized just how personal this is getting, and how truly blessed we are with God handling our provision in the transition. Tim & I were talking today and trying to figure out how in the world we ended up with a small paycheck of about $150 when he shouldn't have actually received anything for the week after orientation. The company, through a series of "ball dropping" managed to turn his 1 day off before on-the-job training into 5 1/2 days of sitting, waiting, and not getting paid. Anyway, when we looked at the paystub online, we saw the company had put some reimbursements in his automatic deposit paycheck instead of on the usual reimbursement card like they had been doing. We couldn't figure out why those things were paid completely different than anything we'd seen before. Then at 4 a.m. it hit me! God once again was providing.

You see, we had our van renewal due the day after payday and needed about $100 for that, and we owed now $50 for tithing, since we didn't have the gas money to make it into town for church last week (due to some necessary trips in earlier in the week). Had the company not made what looks like a mistake, we wouldn't have had the money we needed to renew the one vehicle we drive everywhere and need to keep on the road legally. Any driving/auto related problems really can hurt Tim now that he's a commercial driver - driving w/o insurance, a ticket for going through red lights, accidents, they all hurt his career now. So I believe God stepped in, the company did something out of the ordinary, at just the right time, and we were able to pay the one bill that was due immediately and was very important.

I woke up out of a sound sleep and my very first thought was, "Oh! God did that! THAT'S why the company did something so strange!" Where else would that come from since I was sound asleep just moments before?

God will save the day, and I will say, "My Glorious!"

And it just keeps getting better!

Although I know God CAN do everything, I still don't think to "bother Him" with dumb little incidental things. I figure He's busy enough with all the really important stuff of the universe, so why bring up stuff that won't matter 5 years from now? But you know what? God comes through anyway, on stuff I wouldn't dream of or sometimes wouldn't DARE to ask for! Here's an example:

My kids have a running joke about my parking spaces at Wal-Mart. They're the busiest parking lot in any town we go to, and finding a space within a mile of the store can be a challenge. I would never ask God for a close parking space at Wal-Mart, it's an insignificant thing. Yet, no matter what day of the week or what time of day we go, I always manage to find a parking space in the first 3 spaces in one of the closest 2 or 3 rows near the door. I don't ask, it just happens. Even if there's no space available, as I'm approaching those spaces fully intending to drive by, one of the front 3 cars will back out and leave! It always amazes my kids, but I'm careful never to take credit for any of it.

So what did God do this time that was so incredible? Well, it's about our new house that we'll be renting in a few weeks. The agreement with my friend was that we would move into her rental at a more than fair price (almost cut in half what it could've been), and we would take it "as is" without expecting them to do anything to it except fix anything that was found to be actually broken.

Here's a quick bullet point of how it went:
- The previous owner is from the islands, that explains the flourescent blue on the walls, ceilings, and more - and the lime green walls too!
- The master bath is ugly, is that black mold or just dirt? Maybe I can bleach it.
- The rugs were ripped out and there's glue "squiggles" on the cement floors, but I love cement floors, it'll keep the house cooler in summer, so it's okay, we can sand the squiggles off.
- The boys room looks like a carnival tent! It's so dark red & dark blue that it looks like a black room in the middle of a sunny day. What's with the yellow stars painted on the floor? It looks like a baby nursery but it's an older teen guy room?

(These were just fleeting thoughts, but I agreed to "as is", so I didn't ask for anything except maybe a professional cleaning of the master bath. I was just so thankful to have found a place we could afford, love the neighborhood, and it's the last house on a cul-de-sac! I'll take it, and we'll worry about painting later!) I left feeling happy, excited about the move, and so thankful for such a wonderful friend to allow us such a great deal.

So I wasn't asking for anything. "As is" means without complaining, right? I've been telling everyone how good God is to take care of us so well by finding us this house so unexpectedly. I won't bother Him with asking for more, or improvements. I'll be content with what He's provided.

Then God proved His word to be true once again - He knows how to give good gifts and knows our needs before we even ask. Here's what God did for us:

- I get a call from my friend who owns the house, she says they're totally remodeling the master bath before we move in. As for paint, we'll think about the "carnival" room.

- A week later I find out they're redoing the whole house before we move in! New flooring throughout, new tile, new paint in all the rooms, a whole new kitchen with a new island! Updates in the 2nd bathroom, the works! I never could've imagined we'd receive such a wonderful surprise, that our new home would be SO PERFECT! God's blessings are so far beyond anything I could even dream of or hope for!

He is such a wonderful, loving Father. And we recognize it's only by His hand that all this has been possible, we appreciate it, and humbly give ourselves to Him to use any way He sees fit - to have us serve those He brings to our attention, for His glory. It's not confining to follow Christ - It's total freedom and joy!

Learning to Trust - again!

What a week of learning (or should I say re-learning) to trust in and rely on God and His provision!

1: We didn't get a payment we'd been planning & counting on that would be our grocery budget for the month. The day came and gone, the days kept passing w/o the payment, calls were made to no avail, and I began to panic. How would I feed the 5 of us when Tim's barely working 24 hours a week while in school for his CDL/career change?

2: We had to travel from the mountains to the Valley in the biggest snowstorm of the year. With only 2 ways to town, and one road closed to us, our 3 1/2 hour drive turned into a 7 hour nightmare! We were allowed to go 35 miles out of town before they stopped us and turned us back. That was $10 and 2 hours wasted. Then to buy chains - to be allowed to pass on the only other route - and now it's too late on a Sunday, the auto parts places were either closed or out of our popular size. We took another wasted hour to get to the far side of town to go to WalMart, only to find out that they returned the tire chains because...ready for this?...they're a "seasonal item" so by Mid-March they get sent back! The biggest storms hit our area in March/April every year! Anyway, we had to venture back to the other side of town only to find out the road was indeed still open, but the chain restriction had been taken off. More time & gas wasted.

3: The drive on route #2 had us driving behind some very inexperienced and scared drivers. Having grown up in New England, driving through an inch of snow over some ice is nothing new. But for those in front of us, most likely from Phoenix where it never snows, they drove literally, 12 miles per hour even when the roads were just damp with rain, not icy and with no standing snow on the road. Our 3 1/2 hour trip took us 7 hours.

4: We finally got to the hotel provided by my husband's new company at 10:30 Sunday night! My husband was going on just 2 hours sleep since he'd worked the last night of his 3rd shift overnight job the previous night. All we wanted to do was to go to bed, but guess what? They didn't have us in their computer, were totally (over)booked, sent us to another (dumpy) hotel nearby and we had to unexpectedly pay for it until the company reimburses it.

5: Lastly, (I hope), the next morning, my husband had to leave with the van to go to orientation at 7 a.m., had to check us out at 6:30 a.m. so he could submit the receipt for reimbursement, and the original hotel can't get me into a room until sometime between noon and 2 pm! So here I sit in the lobby, no privacy, but I guess at least I'm warm, have coffee available & can use a bathroom if I have to. I'm frustrated, but still thankful for what I DO have.

So why is this about learning to trust? Because every single step of this journey this week, I've briefly gone into a temporary state of panic. I've wanted to just break down and have a good cry to release the stress and frustration. But then I hear that still, small voice that tells me to Trust Him. He WILL provide. He knows my needs even before I ask. And maybe this experience is necessary to make me more sympathetic to others in the same predicament in the future?

Anyway, every single time I did all I could at my end, in my own strength. I didn't just wait for God to fix it. I was proactive as far as it was up to me. Then I stopped. Took a deep breath. Then I acknowledged God's sovereignty. I told Him I won't panic, I'll just relax and let go, trusting Him to unfold the next step - whatever that may be - even if the plan is different than I'd planned for. After that, I found myself more at peace. Less worried. And you know what happened? Each time, ONLY after that point of being at the end of my rope, and confession & acknowledgement - things changed.

My 45 minutes on hold paid off and finally the payment was disbursed so I could buy groceries with enough left over for the rest of the month too. The secondary route to the Valley lifted the tire chains restriction in time for us to get through. The long drive was at least a safe one, not one accident along the way, and no one plowed or slid into us, we didn't go off the road, it was a good time for Tim & I to realize that we enjoy being together even after 20 years of being married. The hotels in the area are almost all booked up because of baseball's spring training, yet we were able to find a room so late on a Sunday night, and it wasn't $100/night. And lastly, the hotel is ready to move me into our planned room as soon as they can, they're treating me very nicely, I got free breakfast, last night's room will be reimbursed, and the company will also be reimbursing us for the gas for the drive down.

God DID come through and provide in every single circumstance, and almost immediately once I stopped and just trusted in Him.

I'm learning to trust - again.

Dare to Believe!

Who would've imagined that just 90 days after my lowest point emotionally and spiritually, God could turn my whole life around?

Just 90 days later, God changed everything and made dreams come alive I didn't dare dream anymore.

1. First, Tim got inspired out of his own depression and frustration, to attend school to get his commercial drivers license (CDL). He was willing to try a brand new career in his late 30s. That's way beyond his usual comfort zone.

2. Because of our financial situation, he went looking for job help & answers and found out he qualified for a total grant to cover the cost of school - about $4000. We never could've saved up enough for him to do that while he worked at WalMart, even with our tax refund (which was 1/4 of what it was last year).

3. He was able to enroll almost immediately, and his work was understanding enough to allow him to work just 3 weekend nights each week and attend school over 200 miles away the rest of the time.

4. Friends stepped up to let Tim stay in Phoenix during his schooling so this could work.

5. The trucking school and the grant people convinced Tim that he'd need to work (and most likely live) in the Valley for at least a year to get experience, then he could basically choose the job he wanted (over-the-road, regional routes, dedicated routes, day driver where you're home at night). This was the opportunity I needed to break out of my depression! Being back in the Valley with the heat, sunshine, palm trees, excitement, friends, and home church...it's all I've wanted since we left almost 2 years ago.

6. With the kids still being homeschooled for another 4 years, moving them three times in 4 years would be too rough on them, so Tim agreed to move us to the Valley for the 4 years it'll take to get the kids through school. After that, they'll be 18 and can choose where to live for themselves. Tim wants to move back up here to Show Low after that, I know he hates the city, but at least we won't have to keep 3 teenagers busy anymore. Gas won't cost over $300/month because the only jobs are 35 miles away.

7. I get to re-engage with old church where we're members. I get to volunteer and be a part of helping them grow and reach out to the community once again. I'm so excited about that part, I can't hardly wait! I love Mountain Valley Church in Scottsdale!

8. I get to reconnect with so many friends I miss dearly.

9. Oh yeah, the money from driving will be the most we've seen in about 6 years!

God's given me more than I could've dared to ask for. More than I ever would've believed. He is good. He knows our hearts. He blesses those that follow, and obey Him. I trust God completely because He's proven Himself to me over and over. What a truly thankful, grateful heart He's developed in me over such a short period of time. Thank you, Lord.

Finding Time for God

It's so hard to understand why I can't find time in the day to be alone with God. I manage to make time for homeschooling, cleaning, running errands, doing research, entertainment, reading, and even sometimes I find time to scrapbook a few pages. I know there's lots of days when I feel bored too - so why is it so hard to find time for God? I think, for me at least, it's guilt brought on by the enemy.

When I was little, I wasn't brought up in a nurturing environment. Life was so crazy that everyone around me was probably in "survival mode" and couldn't really function well outside their own crisis. I always felt what I did wasn't good enough. If I got A's, I heard, "Why aren't they A-pluses?!" If I cooked, cleaned, read, babysat, earned Honors at school, made it into different clubs and organizations, whatever it was - it was never good enough.

As a young adult, I worked for a psychotic woman. If I ever dealt with someone who was truly bi-polar, it would've been her. She would lose things, then threaten or blame me for not being able to find them (even if she lost it at her house where I'd never been). No matter what I did, if things didn't go along 100% smoothly, it was my fault for "not taking responsibility." If other employees stole supplies, I was yelled at for not ordering enough the previous week and it was my fault we ran out. If she went to lunch, she'd return and be mad I either did or didn't tell people she was out of the office, depending on her mood.

Then I got married. I tried to be a great wife, doing what (I thought) was expected of me. I tried to be a great Mom and homeschooling teacher to our three kids. My husband provided for us so I could be with them, yet always seemed angry and resentful with me because he worked and I didn't. I ended up with way more than I could handle, doing lots I'd never had any experience doing, being told, "well I work and that's all I can do, I have to focus on that". Again, it was never enough. If I wasn't actively busy 24/7, I was made to feel guilty.

Now I find myself in my 40s still trying to please others. The first year living here, if I didn't stop doing everything that was important and purposed for my life to cut wood, or work in the garden, or spend hours on canning or preserving vegetables, or stacking wood - then it was implied that I didn't work as hard as everyone else.

If I did all that everyone would like to make my problem, who would educate and train up our children? Who would find new ways to bring income into the home? Who would balance the checkbook, schedule necessary errands, spend hours every week trying to save lots of money on groceries with so few resources available out here? pay the bills? do the cleaning? budget out what little we have to make sure there's enough for gas so Tim can get to work? and so many other things? And what about the things that are important to me? Reading for wisdom and skills? Bible Studies to become a better person, wife, and mother? Exercise that clears my mind, not clouds it? Scrapbooking to preserve the memories of our home before the kids are all gone? Planning with the kids for furthering their education and planning their future with them?

So with all that - how do I shut it all out for a little while every day so I can "sharpen the saw" as Dr. Covey calls it in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People? How do I get everything done I think I'm supposed to do, then do what's expected of me, then do what I'd like to get done, and still have time to rest in Him - WITHOUT GUILT? If I could learn to let go of all these expectations, and get back to just Him and me - without feeling like I should hurry it up to do something else, how much better would every day be? I would imagine it would be the most rewarding thing I could do. It would be the best foundation to build each day, week, month, year, and a lifetime upon. So how do I get rid of the guilt the enemy keeps bringing to mind when I try to make time for God? I guess it's going to have to be through prayer and persistence in the beginning. Maybe eventually it'll be through prayer and habit. The ultimate goal? For my alone time with God to be THE most important thing I do...period! No concerns about what the world says they need from me, nor what I feel I "should" be doing. I doubt Jesus felt guilty about leaving the sick, poor and others who needed him when it was time for him to get away in private to pray and be alone with his Father. I still have so much to learn from Him.