How strong is our faith?

It's a time of testing our faith for sure. We've all been without jobs for almost 4 months now. The savings is gone and we're living off of the income from our Monavie business. It's growing more and more, and we get paid every week now, but it's not quite to budget just yet.

The Word says God knows what we need. He clothes the flowers of the field so beautifully and they only live a brief time - so how much more will he clothe us? It says the birds don't worry about where they'll find shelter, food or water - so why should we? - God loves us and will provide for us too. It says He has plans for us - not plans to harm us, but plans to give us a hope and a future. So we need to remain strong in our faith, even when circumstances bring fear. The Word also says to fear not, for God is with us. So why do we doubt? Why do we react to just what we see with our eyes? God's promises are there for those that believe.

God may decide to bring a temporary opportunity to Tim to get us through until our business is going full-steam ahead and we see duplication of our efforts from our team. He may also decide to NOT bring another opportunity to stretch our faith and to show how much He CAN do for us, that we'd be provided for in a way that can only be from His hand and not our own efforts, for His glory. That's the way that would excite me the most. For my loving Father to step in, make Himself known in such a tangible way, again reminding us how much we mean to Him.

How strong is our faith?

A New Church, A New Adventure

One of the hardest parts about moving is having to find a new church. It was such a blessing to be reunited with my friends at Mountain Valley, that leaving them again was very difficult.

On top of that, we've moved to where most of the churches are LDS (Mormon) or Catholic. Nothing wrong with either of those, except that they're not in line with how I choose to worship. The non-denominational churches here are few and far between, and they're extremely small, some are held in single-wide trailers.

I was fortunate enough to have found White Mountain Bible Church online before we moved. I listened to a few of their sermons on the internet, read their beliefs, and checked out their bulletin for the types of things available and events they host. It may be the closest thing to a fit for our family.

We took a while to get acclimated before going to check it out in person. (Actually, we went there at Christmas while visiting up here but that doesn't count, it's not a "normal" service.) We've been watching MVC's online videos in the meantime.

Anyway, 2 weeks ago there was an elder giving the sermon. Last week the brand new speaking pastor there made his debut - and he's from Scottsdale Bible! Practically neighbors of MVC and the same church that hosted many of our Eastside Explorers homeschool group's events. Pastor Randy and his wife Tammy are in the same transition and "culture shock" that we are, so we may turn out to become good friends. Once the fall starts, the Sunday school classes for both kids and adults will be starting back up. Hopefully the boys will find friends in the teen group there. Jordan should find friends among all the pre-teen girls we've seen there already.

The message was challenging and they aren't a seeker church. Their intent is to grow and equip Christ followers to go into the world and make a positive difference in humility. It may turn out to be great for us at this point in our adventure. I don't think I can take Tues. mornings off for a Ladies Bible Study this year, but we're starting a small group here at the house around Sept. (at least that's the plan). We'll see how that goes too.

This coming Sunday, we'll be blessed to be among our church family at Mountain Valley once again while in the Phoenix area. It's always good to come home.

Choices

Choices...they can be so difficult sometimes. Someone dear to me made a decision today that either way, would affect the rest of her life. One choice may lead to a lifetime of happiness, or condemn her to pain and suffering. The other may spare her hurt later on, but she may be plagued with "what if" for the rest of her life - or it may turn out to be the lesser of two evils. It's so hard to choose the right path when neither seems like a great choice.

Not only do I hurt for her, but even worse, I can relate to what she's dealing with. I had a similar experience recently and it tore me up inside. If I take path 1, the logical decision, I may be doomed to a lifetime of reliving the same hurts over and over. If I take path 2, the emotional choice, THAT pain may be even worse and ultimately, will turn out to be the worst choice.

How do you know? What do you do? Unfortunately, the one suffering today doesn't have a relationship with Jesus, so she doesn't have that small still voice, that "intuition", that gentle nudging from the Holy Spirit to guide her. It's days like this that I stop and realize how thankful I am for my faith. Without it, life would be such a mess for me. I would act more impulsively. I may retaliate and hurt someone else and go "too far". Usually, people who act without thinking or wisdom end up leaving a trail of disaster (and hurt people) in their wake. I don't want to be like that. I try time and time again to help my dear one understand what Jesus has to offer, but she doesn't want to listen...so I'm not sure how to help except to pray for her, her situation, and those involved.

I also realized today just how different I've become because of my faith. I probably would've made the same decision she did today had I not had my faith to guide me. I came so close. And it would've been so awful. And every day I hope and pray that I made the right choice, that I'll never have to go through the pain again that caused that crossroads. Knowing God has a plan for my life, a purpose in all of it, and that He loves me even when I can't see it - it keeps me going, on the right path, growing and learning every day.

I pray the rewards of a good choice are what I'll find at the end of the path I chose. And I pray the same for the one who hurts so badly tonight that I also love so much.

I'm so blessed even amidst a crisis.

Here we are, under the most financial stress we've ever endured. Many of our friends and family are under those same pressures, but God is really keeping us safe and protected through this. I see couples at the end of their rope with each other (it's really money pressure they're stressed with, not each other). I see people losing their homes wondering where they'll stay. I hear stories of families having to live long-term in their RVs or even their cars, with no idea if/when they'll be able to get into real shelter.

God has arranged things so that many blessings are coming from this. We'll be moving out of the city and into a place where we can focus on our family instead of a crazy (sales) work schedule, we'll all have more room after being so cramped in 1000sf for so long with no yard. We'll be able to finally have meals together as a family. We'll be able to breath fresh, clean air, drink clean water and help Tim's parents grow an organic garden (I hope). We're actually taking a giant step forward in this whole process, and I think it'll be great for the kids to be so close to their grandparents.

Moving with a few months of expenses saved up, we'll be able to explore the option for Tim to start his own business so he can control his own schedule. We're thinking maybe a computer consultant, but we'll see.

All I know, is that this COULD have been the worst thing to happen to us, but instead, God has provided a way, a place, the security, the right circumstances, the best timing, and He's got a plan for us. Not a plan to harm us, but plans for us to succeed. We're so blessed, even amidst a crisis.

Waiting for answers

What do you do when you're at a crossroads moment? We're about to make some major financial and life decisions that could either free us forever, or be the worst mistake in our lives. Trouble is, I don't know which is the right way to go.

I've prayed, I've paused to wait for God to answer me, and I've prayed for Him to direct Tim's decisions. I've learned that my job is to be supportive of my husband either way, and in obeying God's command regarding that, I can trust He'll handle the details from there.

I've also learned over the last 20 years when to listen to that voice inside that won't let me rest. If I'd listened to it all along, lots of things would be different. I sometimes make my concerns known, but I don't always act "loudly" enough that others change direction. It's a weird kind of thing, really. The way Tim & I describe it is that sometimes "I just know things". Call it discernent, maybe wisdom from God, maybe it's a spiritual gift of prophecy (others saw that in me WAY before I ever would have). All I know is that I've got a very restless spirit lately but I have to wait on answers, for God's timing, for Him to reveal His will and direction - through Tim, not me.

I'm all for waiting. I understand from experience that patience with God is a must. The hard part is knowing what my role is. I think our plans were purposely stalled to give us more time to think through the situation at hand. I just pray we're open to hear the advice we seek, even if it's opposite from what we think and can see for options.

I believe we were also given an amazing gift from above, but fear kept us from acting on it. I've heard many times that if you don't act on God's gifts, he'll take them away and give them to someone brave and courageous and trusting enough to use them. My biggest fear is that He's done that, and I pray for a second chance. I pray it's not too late to do something God purposed for us. This coupled with the other big decisions we're making is why I'm up typing this at 2:30 in the morning!

God has ALWAYS proven Himself to be faithful and trustworthy in the end. So for now, I continue to pray, be supportive of Tim during the decision-making process, and I'm waiting for answers.

Trusting God

Over the last 6 months or so, I've developed high blood pressure. Not just a little over the goal of 120/80. Not "pre-hypertension". Just full-blown, hypertension. I've had readings over 140/99! I've had lab work done. My cholesterol is perfect, my other numbers are well into the normal range, I have no other issues causing the hypertension except my constant state of stress. My pressure spikes at the drop of a hat lately, and my body can't get it to come down like it's supposed to. The first medication failed, so the doctor doubled the dosage and I felt like IT was going to kill me. I'm on prescription #3 in 60 days and still have unexplained spikes.

You know what I'm learning from it? To let go of things that maybe really were my responsibility before, but I'm trusting God to take care of it now.

I've had to trust God in spite of financial difficulties, trouble raising teenagers, having an already-full schedule but adding a part-time job anyway, stress from problems in the lives of friends and family that I care about, and so much more.

The lines of an old song about God are: You give and take away. Growing up in a house without faith, knowing only what a few years of Catholic training taught me, I thought that meant although God gives blessings, don't complain when you lose something he takes back/away. Now I'm finding a new meaning...Not only does He give blessings, but He's also powerful enough to take away - stress, problems, worry, unnecessary negative feelings, resentment over injustices, and so much more!

I recently read the book The Shack that came out a few years ago. It was a #1 best-seller, if you haven't heard of it. Some people loved it because the fictional story helps the reader understand God and His nature better. Others hated it because they felt it wasn't done in a way true to the Bible. I loved it. It's fiction, it's not supposed to be taken as literally the truth about God's nature from the Bible's evidence. Anyway, it really helped me see God as the loving Father who hurts when we, His children, are suffering. I understood that - logically, but when things weren't going right, I had a habit of thinking, "Ok, so what did I do wrong? Or what am I NOT doing, that God had to let this happen?" What a bad way to live.

I believe now, whole-heartedly, that God is just like us in our own parenting. We hurt when our kids get hurt. Although trusting God doesn't mean I won't have any problems anymore, it does mean that some will go away, some will still come but He'll see me through, and if worst comes to worst and I don't survive something, I'll still be comforted knowing I'll be delivered into His arms for all eternity.

Trust is about me letting go; remembering that this life and all its problems are temporary. It's about trusting that God has a plan, even if I can't see how it'll all work out. He's helping me find new answers - and hopefully this new path will help me lower my blood pressure by finally letting go of the stress of trying to manage it all.

Since the switch...

We made a decision about a week ago to return to our old church. My earlier posts from last year reveal just how devastated leaving was for me and how strongly I believed it was the wrong move - but I'm called to submit to Tim's leading for our household, and I believe it did help him grow in the mean time where maybe he wouldn't have without the change. Anyway, I firmly believe(d) that if we returned, so would God's blessings, something I've felt was removed for over a year and a half now since we left.

In just the past week, here's a list of blessings we've received:

-Tim was on a dry spell, not selling anything. He sold something the day we decided to go back to our old church.

- I ended up picking up extra shifts at work to help us provide a Christmas for our kids and to get last month's mortgage paid.

- Tim and I were able to discuss some things in our relationship that need changing and it was done in love, with understanding, and in agreement to work on them.

- I earned double what I expected on my extra shift this week.

- Tim and Adam haven't had a fight over anything since the decision was made. Adam's been more helpful, more respectful, and has restrained his attitudes. He's finally coming out of his dark funk of depression he's chosen to stay in for almost a year.

- People in our business are giving us more positive responses, people on our team are doing tastings without us now - we all just need to stay more consistent for results to kick in.

- I "found" an extra $70 in the checkbook I didn't realize we had.

- Something I wanted to get someone for a gift was too expensive, but they needed it, and I managed to be at the right place at the right time to find it for literally, ONE-FIFTH of its normal price.

- The joy and peace I've lived without for a year and a half has returned in full force!

- Lots of my stress-induced aches, pains and conditions are declining and/or have disappeared.

All this within a week or so of making the right decision to go where God wills us to be, for HIS purposes, to help others with gifts He's given us to build up His people.

Praise God for his mercy, forgiveness, love and elaborate giving. You can't out-give God!

What a Mighty God We Serve

Here I was all concerned about dealing with past issues...worried about being told "it's in the past, just let it go". God stepped in and created a safe environment to voice my thoughts, apologize for my own shortcomings and mistakes, and express my intent for a better future in certain relationships.

God protected the situation, kept things peaceful, gave me strength, softened the other people's hearts, and made it a positive outcome with His blessings.

What a mighty God we serve!

Dealing with the Past

What a week it's been. I've had lots of good things happen, I feel great new changes beginning to point me in the right direction, I'm finally on the right path again. However, I believe for this leg of my journey I'm going to have to deal with some stuff from the past.

We usually tend to keep things in, stuff them down, and hope they go away. Why do we all think that will work? Is it because we think we're "strong enough" to handle doing that? Is it something we were taught growing up? Is it our coping mechanism? Why don't we handle issues as they come, then move forward in a positive way? I know why...it's hard.

Jesus said if you're about to give your gift at the altar and remember there's something not right between you and your brother (or friend, or spouse, or sibling, or parent, etc.), then put down your offering, make amends, then return to give your best to God.

Doesn't it make more sense His way? When we hold onto past hurts, it does affect us, whether we'd like to admit it or not. We end up holding back our best from that person, or letting anger/hurt/resentment bother us when we're alone, or in the middle of the night. It affects our perception of the other person's motives. And we end up in worse shape than if we'd just handled it - good or bad. At least then it'd be over with, and you could put it behind you.

I'm finding I've got a few things that I need to fix. I know some of them are things I've said or done to others. (Believe me, the guilt on those is practically non-stop.) But a few are hurts I've encountered at the hands of others, too. I'm ready to be the best I can be, and do all I can to fix the future by dealing with the past. I don't have anger or hatred toward anyone at this point in my life. I've forgiven it all. I'm just ready to be useful to God and to do that, I believe I have to have a heart without resentment, or bad memories between others and myself.

With God's leading, and the love of Jesus, I know this too will be accomplished.

Recycling the Pain

This past weekend, we returned to our former church (where I'm still very actively involved). The message was called "Recycling the Pain". The message was about re-living past hurts and struggles because sharing your story with others will bring them hope, solutions, and help. Tim shared the struggles he/we faced 4 1/2 years ago. It wasn't easy to admit your sins in front of a few hundred people - but he was open, and honest, and gave God the credit for his 100% success in overcoming, and I'm so proud of him for that. All I had to do was explain how I felt as we went through it, and how God changed my perception to create a whole new future I never would've had today. I pray those who heard the message (or listen to it on the church's website) will be helped in some way by us re-living our worst season of life.

If I know you, and you want to hear it, leave me a message and I'll tell you where you can hear it. If I don't know you, just understand that you have things you've been through that can help others too...just be willing to share; you will be richly rewarded.

Be Careful...it knows what scares you.

This is a memorable line from a movie; I'm pretty sure it's from Poltergeist back in the early 80s. It still applies today.

Here I am, it's a typical Saturday. The kids are playing outside with friends, my oldest worked for most of the afternoon, Tim's at work, as usual, and I've finished housework and school planning for the week. I find myself sad, for no reason, so I go to God and ask why.

Without saying things I shouldn't here, let's just say that I hate Tim's job. I'm thankful he has one since we still need him to have one - and I'm thankful because there are worse ones out there than his - but I still hate it. We're going to miss church together tomorrow, just as we're in the process of trying to restructure our lives to purposefully put God at the center to get out of some bad circumstances. Out of the lots of stores he could be sent to tomorrow, he's at the one store I wish he didn't have to go to, ever. Because of a meeting, he'll even be there early and will work til closing.

I've prayed that we could eliminate his job with passive income for years, but it hasn't been willed for us just yet.

All that to say this...the enemy knows what scares you.

When you try to pray more, he makes things go wrong so you ask, "What's the use?"
When you try to do God's will, he causes old issues to pop up and distract you.
When you try to bring your family together, he'll cause a child to act out in a bad
way, or to get into trouble that requires attention and strife.
When you try to strengthen your marriage, he'll bring temptation and bad thoughts
to you or your spouse.
When you try to let go and trust God in all things, he'll harrass you with doubt and
fear and depression, until you feel sick to your stomach.
And when you're trying to make things in your life better, stronger, and holier,
he'll send you sadness, and bring up past hurts, disappointments, broken
trust, forgotten promises, and keep you replaying bad moments of the past.

That's when you need to run to God, run to the father, ask Him to hold you safe in His arms where the enemy can't touch you. That's when you need to pray for peace that surpasses all understanding. That's when you need to summon the power of Christ in you, deny the schemes of the enemy, acknowlege his lies, and demand he leave you.

Remember, in Christ, He's strong when you're weak. You've been given all authority over the enemy. You CAN defeat the enemy in the name of Christ.

I hope this helps someone besides me at their time of need.

A Wonderful Husband

Over the past 4 1/2 years, I've really seen my husband change for the better and I needed to share that. He quit drinking, quit some other serious bad habits, he no longer yells uncontrollably over little things, he's willing to talk reasonably with our teenagers, and he's becoming a more Godly man all the time. What made the change? He surrendered. He made the choice to surrender control, trust in the power of the Holy Spirit to deliver him through temptations, and he decided to let go of the control struggle over his life. He's a lot more laid back regarding God's handling our circumstances.

One of the things I'm really proud of right now is the way he's consuming great books both in print and on audio files & cds. He's putting good stuff in and getting good stuff out. He's growing in wisdom and maturity, and he's learning to be less selfish, less focused on being the center of everyone's world. He's making the important things really matter most. And I couldn't be more proud of him.

He's finally becoming the man I always knew he had inside of him - the one God created him to be...the leader of our home and our family that we've so desperately needed all these years...I can see it coming, and I really respect him for it.

Striving for the Center of His Will

This will be short and to the point. I've missed dwelling in the presence of my Father, at the center of His will for my life. I'm running back to find that place that He prepared for me. I know it'll look different than it did last time, but that's okay. I'm different now...not necessarily stronger - I'm not sure how much fight left I have in me, to be honest. I'm not stronger in my faith - I never doubted God's sovereignty in the last year's circumstances. I'm not more withdrawn, well, maybe I am. I'm concerned because He doesn't supercede our wills, and I'm afraid of another imposing their will on me.

All I know is that when I find that place, NOTHING will move me ever again. When I find "Home", I'm unpacking and staying for good. There's nothing in this world that can ever compare to the feeling when you're in the center of His will. I won't lose it again, and I'll get there again soon.

Books to Get Our Family Where We Belong

This summer I've had time to read for a change - and even Tim has been reading good, positive stuff too. Together we've decided there's a few books we'll be reading for us, and a few we'll incorporate by reading out loud and discussing as a family. We know what we want of and from our children, but don't always figure out how to get there. We're hoping these will help:

Tim's reading Boundaries in Marriage - one of my all-time favorite books
We'll both read Simon Says by Chuck Goetschel
We'll discuss as a family Do Hard Things by Alex & Brett Harris
We'll discuss as a family Leadership and Self-Deception by The Arbinger Institute

Our hope is to develop not only in our kids, but also in ourselves, a sense of getting past fears to do what needs to be done, to pursue our calling, to make the world a better place, and to take as many people with us on the journey as possible. Fear has stopped all of us long enough. It's our time to win.

Checking in...

It's not that I haven't been here to post. I just haven't found anything more important to say than the lessons I learned from the Boundaries in Marriage book.

Freedom in Boundaries

The last year has been really hard, but finally I've had a breakthrough. I'm sure I covered it all in previous posts, but the new part of the equation is Boundaries. I seeked counsel from someone I trust for Godly advice, and he's far enough from knowing me that he could still be objective if I was off base. He suggested a few things to help me heal and move forward, but also he suggested I read a book titled "Boundaries in Marriage".
This is a great book. It's not about putting up walls to shut others out, it's not about being stubborn about your own opinions, and it's not about setting boundaries to fix nor control others. It's simply a book about setting my own boundaries on my own actions, attitudes, behaviors, choices, actions, and reactions. The surprising thing is that instead of barriers to make me feel more confined, I'm finding that this is God's design, especially in marriage (which mine is better than most already), and I'm finding more freedom than I ever have before.
I'm still learning, and I have to check my true, deep-down motives before I set up a boundary - but I'm getting the hang of it. It's been very freeing and I think it'll be good for my husband too. It'll give him freedom to choose how he interacts without me without feeling like he picked the "wrong" choice, or feel guilty. Just as I'm in charge of myself, he'll be in control of himself, and we both can find freedom to choose the things we truly have charge over.
Last week, I was able to decide where I'm headed, and that I won't stop til I get there. I can once again aim for the center of God's will for my life. It may be a different place than it was the last time I found myself there. It may look strange compared to last time. But I CAN find it again and live my life intentionally, on purpose, free to pursue all God created me to be, serving where HE dictates. And now, nothing will be able to take it away from me.
For that, I thank my mentor in this situation, and I praise God for His wisdom and design for His children. And that He makes His will for my life known to me - then provides the help I need to get there.
I'm truly blessed...and I am FREE !!!!!

How do you find JOY again?

It's been a rough 12 months. I've had to do a bad job at homeschooling my kids for most of this school year, had to find a job with no qualifications, after finding the job it shut down unexpectedly, our finances are the worst they've been in years, our business is growing but a lot slower than it should be with the numbers of people we've got - they just aren't doing anything lately, my cousin's awaiting biopsy results the doctor wanted to discuss ASAP, we just lost Tim's grandmother, and the last 4 out of 4 mini-vacations I planned didn't happen. On top of that, I've been taken from my only secure place, my home church, and replanted to a new huge one where I don't know anyone and they aren't as friendly in practice as the head staff would like to think. The bible study I joined to fit in was not very organized or connected - to each other, nor the church as a whole. I'm ready for a vacation!

So how do I find that JOY again? That JOY that only comes from the Lord? I can deal with being contented with what I have, thankful for the little we do have, and appreciate the blessings I've already received, but it's not the same as true JOY.

I've gone through an extensive restart, a long, detailed confession, an on-my-knees begging for positive changes, and everything leads down a path of sorrow, fear or just plain inactivity. I don't know what else to do.

I pray for a renewing in my spirit. I've been asking for Jesus to speak to me - and for me to hear it. I feel like I'm in a box where I can see God moving around me, but I'm not allowed to participate in any of it.

My greatest JOY came from sharing with others (every week) all that God is, and does, and promises, and wants to do for us. I don't think I'll find that JOY again until I find a new forum to do that again. Praising Him was the only thing that really brought me JOY unlike anything else this world has to offer.

Lessons from Isaiah

I've read my bible many times before, but I guess I never read ALL of Isaiah. In January I read Isaiah and really got to know the heart of God. We are still living like the Israelites, us, the modern new believers - I'm not talking about the non-believers. We know right from wrong, but somehow we always tend to say the wrong thing, pick on or insult each other, judge each other (I hate that one!), do selfish things, argue because of ego, the list goes on and on.

God tried so hard to reach out to His people. He begged them to return. He told them He was jealous but would forgive them. He promised them the world, and beyond! Still they insist that their way was better, they were right, He was wrong. They didn't want to be restricted by rules, even rules that would keep them safe, protected and lead to an amazing journey beside God. We haven't learned anything in all these centuries, have we?

We still chase false idols today. Maybe we don't bow to a statue of gold or wood, or cry out a false-god's name, or throw our children into a fire to appease an unseen god but look what we DO still do:

We neglect our families for money to buy TOYS, big-screen tv's, newer cars, bigger houses we know we can't afford, take trips we can't pay cash for, eating out several times a week, it goes on and on. Meanwhile, wives are raising the kids as single-parents, kids have awful, if any, relationships with their fathers, it's an emotional train wreck.

We also seek to be seen as powerful, or better than the guy next to us, or richer than the neighbor, or smarter than our co-worker. We put on such a front that the truth eats us alive. We become so stressed about trying to keep up appearances, our health suffers. Not to mention that we eat packaged garbage, full of chemicals, loaded with poisons and toxins - as if the pollution we breath isn't enough! That's the health train wreck.

When we've over-spent, and the economy tanks like it has, we find ourselves laid off, our in jeopardy of it, family and friends are suffering around us and we haven't saved up enough to help them. Many are losing their home, waiting so long for benefits they can't buy necessary medications, or even food. It's the financial train wreck.

So what did I learn? God wants us to stop this ridiculous life we've created for ourselves. Be real, admit our shortcomings, be humble, and return to Him. He's promised us life in abundance here on earth, and an afterlife beyond anything our human minds can possibly imagine...if we only trust in Him, accept Jesus as Lord of our lives, doing things the way He would, letting go of the smoke and mirrors show. Only then can we find true happiness and find the truth, the secret to living a life of peace and hope, the truth that truly sets you free. Free to be who you are. Free to be all you were meant to be. Free to have the close relationships you desire. Free to let go of the things that kept us miserable and chained.

Have you talked to God today? He's listening, He loves you, and He wants you beside Him.

Esther? Joseph? You decide...

Last week an odd thing happened. The place I work shut down and I'm back home with the kids, at least for now, but without the money we need. I'm trying to figure out the purpose in all this - why did I get hired there? why did it shut down? what was I supposed to learn? was my husband supposed to learn something? here's the best I can figure:

I needed to re-learn the value of money and paying cash for everything. Both of us had become used to buying things on credit instead of delaying our wants. Yes, 90% of the charges were necessary, like having to buy gas to get to work, or getting our vehicle registrations done, etc., but the other 10% was stuff that wasn't really necessary. Now I know better.

I needed to appreciate my time with my kids, my freedom to pick my schedule, the freedom to do what needs to be done without having to destroy my body at a job. I needed to know how stressed life could make me so I can appreciate every single day at home now.

I know God wants us to build our own business, and He's truly blessed us beyond our efforts so far, so I believe the job was to protect me from someplace worse - since I obeyed and submitted to getting a job - and then it was shut down to close that door since it wasn't God's plan for how we were to get out of debt in the first place. I believe God has told us what to do, and if we try our own way, or my husband's way, the answer is "No, I won't bless that". Succeeding would mean we'd be helping too many others to selfishly refuse to do it.

I also think it was an eye-opener to health issues I have but I've been ignoring. Having the job really brought some of them out and now I know I need to be thinking preventatively before it's too late.

Half my friends think I've spent the last 6 months living like Esther, obeying and submitting to another's will (my husband's), and God blessed it, and I was there for a reason or to touch another's life (like the friend there who's also in our business now), or to be an example to the bible study ladies how to obey in difficult circumstances. I believed what I was being forced to do was outside of God's will, but I obeyed and prayed, and now I've been saved and delivered (so far).

The other half think I've lived like Joseph. I was sold into slavery (the job) and kept from my family, but stayed faithful to God, changed my heart, humbly asked God to be in charge of my life, and in the end, I was returned to my family, better for the experience.

Whatever the reasons, it doesn't matter. All that matters now is that I'm better for it, but never want to go through it again. I'd rather learn all I should've from it and put it all behind me. I just hope my husband can do the same.

I Need a Change of Perspective

I've been struggling for the past few months, but the last week in particular. I've always been a goal-setter, a list-maker, striving to become better, willing to change. I have a hard time understanding people who are happy to just let life happen to them. I don't think they mean to be that way, necessarily. But do they realize that if they don't plan their path, then they end up wherever life takes them? Problems don't solve themselves. Relationships don't grow on their own. Finances don't fix themselves.

I've got someone I care about who just seems to be going through the motions of life without any real willingness to do anything different. This person has a family counting on them to direct the path, to lead them spiritually, to bring hope and encouragement into their family's lives, yet the outward appearances say, "nah, it's too hard, I'm only going to do what I feel like doing and nothing more".

I don't know how to help this person, but it's ruining our relationship. They've become so closed off, so de-motivated, they have nothing positive to put into our friendship/relationship, and seems only interested in doing things together when it helps them get what they want. It's really been hard for me, I don't know who to talk to about it, so as usual, I come to my heavenly Father asking for the only thing I can ask for: a change of perspective.

Dear Father,
You know my internal and emotional struggles in this relationship. You know I want to deepen it, yet I'm fighting this losing battle alone. It's brough resentment and hurt and I need you to fix it. It's not something I believe I can fix myself. I need you to change my perspective. Help me see this person's strengths, appreciate the little things, and see them through your eyes. Help me to see my own part in the problems between us and work on whatever I can do to improve the situation. I believe you brought this person to me for a reason, remove my thoughts of giving up and walking away from this. Rekindle the fun we've had, remind me of all the reasons this is a good relationship, and help me to find peace instead of loneliness and frustration. I turn it all over to you in the name of Jesus,
Amen

***note: the next morning, I woke up and all of these feelings were gone, the resentment, the frustration, the anger, all of it. God works so fast! I felt an amazing peace regarding this situation - like the bible says - a peace that surpasses all understanding.